[ SECRET POST #4795 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4795 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


Spoilers and CWs ahead!



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02. [SPOILERS for The Good Place]



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03. [SPOILERS for Sanditon]



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04. [SPOILERS for Guilded Age]



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05. [SPOILERS for Star Trek: Picard]



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06. [WARNING for discussion of rape]

[Graceling]


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07. [WARNING for discussion of substance abuse]



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08. [WARNING for discussion of sexual assault]



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09. [WARNING for discussion of abuse/assault]



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10. [WARNING for discussion of incest/underage/etc. Not the main topic but figured it might start discussion]
























Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #686.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

10. [WARNING for discussion of incest/underage/etc. Not the main topic but figured it might start discussion]
https://i.imgur.com/gu23HMV.png

[feotakahari]

I definitely don’t like the whole “18-year-olds are still children and need to be protected” thing.

[(Anonymous)]

But there's definitely a difference in power dynamics and emotional maturity in these cases due solely to where the younger person is in their lives.

To me, it would be one thing if a 38 year old and a 70 year old or a 28 year old and a 60 year old got together -the younger party has had time to emotionally mature themselves and fully form as their own person but someone who just became a technical adult, even with the hardest life or the most mature personality/mindset, could not match someone so much older than them and be suitable for a partnership so much older.

[(Anonymous)]

Exactly.

I'm sure some will argue that there are exceptions, that so-and-so is an old soul or has always been mature for their age, but I don't think it's good to pretend that there aren't issues the younger the person is, and the wider the age gap is.

[(Anonymous)]

"Mature for their age" skeeves me out so much, given how many times it's been used against teenagers.

[(Anonymous)]

and i don't like the 'well they're full adults now, toss them out into the world and let them suffer' thing either.

18 year olds aren't kids, but they're still young and figuring themselves out, acting like they don't need any guidance at all is completely ridiculous yet very common sentiment i see touted in various online spaces. as if being 18 somehow makes you magically understand the entire world and how it works the moment you hit that number.

[(Anonymous)]

That...doesn't seem remotely like what feotakahari was saying. There are, in fact, other options besides infantilizing people or treating them with a callous lack of concern and empathy.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, that’s the thing for me. I’m quite put off by people trying to deny legal young adults the right to make their own choices, even when those choices seem…not so good.

Like, I very much understand being concerned/scared for a young person in this kind of situation. I have much younger cousins (both het girls, if that makes any difference to anyone) who are eighteen and nineteen right now. I love them both, and if one of them started dating a middle-aged man I would definitely be concerned. But I would also accept their right to make that choice, and wouldn’t try to get in the way--at least until such time as I’d been given a concrete reason to believe the relationship was genuinely harming them.

[(Anonymous)]

Considering the human brain isn't fully developed at 18 that doesn't make them mature adults either.

[tabaqui]

Same, OP. People are not cookie-cutter, you can't say 'this is like this no matter what' and then blanket-label everyone and everything with that opinion.

[(Anonymous)]

IRL I know people who are a happy, devoted married couple of almost thirty years, with two kids. They're absolutely incredible people.

They met when she was 22 and he was almost 50.

It does happen.

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds a lot like my parents. My mom was 25 and my dad was 40-something when they met. They've been married for 30+ years and I'll fight anyone who has a problem with their age gap.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm 42 and my fiancee is 26. She was 17 when we first met. Didn't date for a few years, until A) I was no longer married and B) she no longer worked under me.

[(Anonymous)]

The other two stories above are about devoted couples and you thought you'd add a 'chucked my wife for a younger piece of ass' one in huh? Ugh.

[(Anonymous)]

For me the context matters greatly.

A 30 year old happening to fall for an 18 year old and it's the first time this has occurred for the 30 year old? A little odd to me, but not something that would immediately set-off warning bells(I'd probably still vet the individual heavily though, just to be safe).

But a 30 year old who has dated no one BUT 18 year olds? No, that's a huge fucking red flag and I would absolutely try to stop someone like that getting anywhere NEAR any 18 year old. That's not someone looking for an equal partner, that's someone looking for a victim to dupe.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreed.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

But a 30 year old who has dated no one BUT 18 year olds? No, that's a huge fucking red flag and I would absolutely try to stop someone like that getting anywhere NEAR any 18 year old. That's not someone looking for an equal partner, that's someone looking for a victim to dupe.

I generally agree with this. I definitely agree that it's a massive redflag and I would feel pretty safe in assuming that person was Bad News.

Even in this situation, though, I think I'd feel the need to be very careful how I approached it - presuming I was a person in the 18-year-old's life who might have some influence over them. Would I want to discourage or obstruct their relationship with this bad-news person? Absolutely. But I would also want to be as respectful of the eighteen-year-old's autonomy as I could be.

I definitely would not "condone" the relationship in this case. Which is to say I would not in any way promote it or treat it as a positive.

But in the end, I think I'd probably end up taking more of a highly watchful, "I'm always here if you need help or support," "please for the love of god be careful" approach. Because what else is there to do? Give the young person an ultimatum? Cut them off? Yeah, that's gonna go real well.

[(Anonymous)]

I hate age gaps in fandom, but I would not care at all about it happening in real life.

[(Anonymous)]

I agree. I've met 18-year-olds who have had their lives together better than a lot of people almost twice their age and people in their 30s who weren't emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship at all. It's not as cut-and-dried as jus being entirely based on age.

[(Anonymous)]

Picking any age as the defining point of "Now you're an adult and can be trusted to make decisions for yourself" is largely pointless because people mature at different rates. When I was eighteen, I was a moron. I know someone who was running a household at fourteen without missing a beat. I also know a forty-two year old who shouldn't be allowed outside without supervision.

As a general rule, it's not a great idea for an eighteen year old to date a forty-something, but if we're looking at an actual real life couple? They could very easily be an exception to that rule depending on the individuals involved.

[(Anonymous)]

This. I have friends who are nearing 30 who make me wonder how they even survive in the wild because they are just SO BAD at being adults, and then there's my coworker who I thought was 27 or 28 until she told me she was actually 20. She's very poised and mature and has been living on her own since she was 18, so she comes across as being much older than she actually is. I wouldn't even bat an eye if she started dating someone older - in fact, I think that would probably be a better fit for her maturity-wise than most other people her age.

I agree.

[(Anonymous)]

I think that unless you have reason to believe someone is being harmed, what goes on between two (or more) consenting adults (without anything that would call that consent into question) is none of my concern. Some people are more mature and responsible and sometimes that is proportionally related to age, but sometimes it really isn't. And I don't like it when people disregard other people's agency because something makes them uncomfortable.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Well said!

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt

Thanks!

Re: I agree.

[(Anonymous)]

+1