fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4846 ]

[ SECRET POST #4846 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4846 ⌋

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I don't know whether to break up with my girlfriend or not.

I got with her after my divorce from my cheating ex husband. I had a break down, and eventually had to send my 11 year old daughter away so I could go to a psych ward. When I started dating, I tried dating women and met my current girlfriend (I'm a woman).

I eventually got better mentally and want to get my daughter back. I've been with my girlfriend for two years now. We moved in together and are planning on one day getting married. I've started having my daughter stay with us more and my girlfriend is acting resentful. She doesn't like kids, doesn't want any, and doesn't want my daughter to live with us full time.

Is that it? Is that the end of the road for us?

I'm sorry, I have no one to turn to.

I know I'm just random Joe Shmoe on the Internet, but this sounds like a Come To Jesus situation? I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't accept my dog, much less my kid (if I had one). I mean, your kid is your kid for life. You know through experience that a spouse isn't necessarily for life.

I'm sorry I posted this in the wrong place.

Honestly, I'm going to say yes. As someone who doesn't want kids myself, it isn't fair to you, your girlfriend, our your daughter to keep things going as they are.

If you're girlfriend knows what she wants and knows she doesn't want children, she may eventually give in and agree to let your daughter live with you because she loves you. But she may always be resentful about it and you're daughter would feel that from her. You're daughter deserves to live in a home where everyone loves her, you deserve to have a partner who loves you're daughter like you do, and you're girlfriend deserves to live the childfree life she wants.

Sometimes love just isn't enough and personal needs just make being together longterm incompatible.

I'm truly sorry. I really am. I can't say I know for certain because I'm not you or you're girlfriend. But as someone who like you're girlfriend doesn't want kids, I personally feel like the best thing you can do for both her and you is to break up now. I wish she had the courage to do it for you because if it were me I would have done it because kids are a deal breaker for me.

+1 to all this

except the "you're"s, they're kinda hurting me

yours truly, anon

Sorry. Got into the Easter wine, so my grammer is slipping.

To be honest, you're probably the last person who should be criticizing anyone's grammar.

Agreed. As someone who also does not want kids, I too would be upset if the initial understanding had been that the kid was not going to be a significant part of the relationship. There's a pretty big difference between "having kid around for periods of time" versus "kid living with you two full time" and it sounds like that is ultimately going to make the two of you incompatible.

I honestly wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who had a kid in a first place. It is that much of a deal breaker for me. But that's on me to make it clear. And I side eye the girlfriend's mixed signals. Be up front and clear about the things you want and the things you need and which are which in a relationship. There are things you can compromise on and things you can't, and if something is this important to you, let the other person know before it gets this serious.

As another person who very much doesn't want kids, I agree with this. I mean, if they talked about it up front and OP stated that she definitely didn't want to ever have primary custody and residency of her child ever again, then I can see how that would be really frustrating for OP's partner. But I doubt OP ever made such a definite statement, because I doubt there are many parents who would make such a definite statement about the future of their relationship with their child.

So I'm much more inclined to side-eye the OP's girlfriend. I may not want kids, but I still understand that when someone has a child, you automatically expect that relationship to come first, regardless of the circumstances. I'm not saying "you have to put your child first ALWAYS or you're a bad person." But if you're in a relationship with a person who has a child, you should be aware that their relationship with their child may well supersede their relationship with you, and you have no business getting butthurt about that; it's just the way it goes.

The only question I have for OP is whether there's any chance her GF is merely concerned that OP won't be up to the challenge of full-residency parenthood. It doesn't sound like that's what her GF's issue with it is. But if that were the issue, then I think the GF's reservations would be much more understandable. If the GF's issue is just with not wanting a child around full-time, then I'd say yeah, I think it's probably better if this is the end of the line for you guys.

Yup, same, I do not like kids but I would never get so far in a relationship without making that clear and knowing if they want/have kids or not. I definitely wouldn't cause a rift in my SO relationship with their child because of it, I mean that's just shitty from all angles.

I think that really depends on the person. For instance, I don't want my own kids, but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone who had joint custody of a kid that we had for one or two weekends a month. I don't hate kids, I just don't want the 24/7 responsibility of having a child. So if someone I was interested in dating told me they had custody of their kid for a couple weekends per month, I would be fine with that.

What I wouldn't be fine with would be that suddenly changing to them having full custody of the kid.

It honestly sounds like you're not compatible, but before throwing the baby out with the bathwater, you need to sit her down and have a talk with her.

Let her know that whether or not you expect her to act like a step-parent to your child and exactly what that entails, and how obviously, you're not going to choose a spouse (or near-spouse) over your own child, and that this may be the end of the road for you guys if things carry on the way they've been.

I don't want kids, I've never really wanted them, but if I met someone who had a kid it would honestly depend on how much parenting they actually expected from me. If it boiled down to "back me up when I decide rules/punishments" and "be nice and treat them like a smaller roommate", I'd probably be find with that tbh.

And you need to decide if that could be enough for you if she's willing to agree to that bare minimum, or if you want her to be an involved Other Mother.

But basically. You need to talk to her about this. Be calm and reasonable but also lay it all out that this is a make or break point in your relationship, because your daughter is not going away.

It sounds like the end to me. There's a lot of small, negotiable stuff in relationships but "I have a kid" vs. "I don't want your kid" isn't one of them. I'm assuming that having your daughter in your life is non-negotiable to you, so there's only one option for your girlfriend - she can get on board, or if she doesn't want to, it's best if you break up now.

I can see where it's tempting to try and make things work, but unless your girlfriend agrees to make a sincere effort to try and be a united family, this is a non-starter.

When my best friend was a kid, his mother dated a string of guys who didn't want kids, wasn't interested in being a parental figure, and didn't even want him around. They didn't physically abuse him, but they acted much like you describe - resentful, and never wanted him to live with them full time. His mother chose to keep having these men in her life because she convinced herself that it was okay. It wasn't. It pretty much destroyed any potential for a relationship with her own son and he wants nothing to do with her.

You've been through a lot, and so has your daughter and she's just a kid. I'm sorry, but I think you owe it to her and to yourself to only be with people who love her and want her in their lives. Trying to force the situation won't do anyone any favors.

This.

Yeah, if she's purposefully making your relationship with your daughter difficult in her own selfishness (which is what it sounds like by your description) then break up with her. Never choose the one who makes you choose, they're always the one in the wrong when it comes to situations like this.

I'm sorry you had to go through with this, and I'm sorry your girlfriend is making things difficult between you and your daughter.

... how is the girlfriend being selfish? From the sound of it, the daughter wasn't in the picture when anon and the girlfriend started dating. It sounds like anon didn't decide she wanted to get the daughter back until after she and the girlfriend had been together for a while.

NAYRT - It doesn't matter if the daughter was in the picture when they started dating. The daughter is in the picture now. The only mature thing to do is to recognize that and respect it.

If the GF wants out, that's 100% fine. But trying to influence OP to have less of a relationship with her child is really not cool. Yes, it sucks when an unforeseen elements throws a wrench into the works of a relationship, but if that unforeseen element is someone's kid, then you pretty much just have to either accept how it's gonna be now, or break it off. Trying to negotiate on your own behalf is pretty much always going to be selfish if what you want conflicts with your partner's relationship with their child.

It's selfish to act outwardly resentful about a child living with her mother, in her own home. It's selfish to not want your partner's child to live full time in their own home. It's selfish to want to live with your partner, but want to exclude your partner's child from your partner's life. All of those things are selfish. The order in which it happened is irrelevant.

OP didn’t say she sent her kid away because she didn’t want her; she sent her away because she couldn’t take her daughter with her to a psych ward. Once OP got out and got her shit together enough to take care of her kid full time, she wanted her back. Kid probably missed her. OP didn’t sound like she changed her mind about not wanting her kid around, she’s just able to care for her again. Now if OP never told her GF “once I work all my shit out, I’m gonna try and get full custody of my daughter again,” that’s not cool. But GF hinting that it’s her or the kid is a dick move and the kid comes first.

You should talk to her directly about this.

If it comes to choosing between your girlfriend or your daughter, go with the daughter. You can always get another partner (easier said than done, I know) but you don't get to re-do having a relationship with your daughter.

I lived part-time in a home where my stepmother didn't want me around. My experience was different in that I was quite young when she moved in with my dad, and I felt very close to her until she had a baby on her own, and started trying to bully me out. I was 11 at the time, and having a parental figure suddenly make it very clear that I was unloved and unwanted gave me severe self-esteem issues that plagued me for all of high school. It also made me develop a behavioural pattern that checks all the boxes for avoidant personality disorder, which I didn't get past until well into my twenties, and which still has lingering tracks in my mid thirties.

I'd guess that your daughter is old enough for her to not ever be as tight with your girlfriend as I was to my once stepmother, but she's old enough to notice that she's unwanted, yet young enough to take it on herself, and not on the adult treating her wrongly. And are YOU prepared to share your life with a person who will treat a child badly because of her personal resentment?

If the choice is between your daugther and your girlfriend, then I can't make it for you. But if you suspect that your girlfriend might treat your daughter badly, then please don't let them live in the same home. It took more than a year before my dad realised that my stepmother abused me, because she never screamed or shunned me in front of him. What he noticed, was my change in behaviour - not hers.

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[ SECRET POST #4846 ]

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