[ SECRET POST #5029 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5029 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 28 secrets from Secret Submission Post #719.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Advice sought

[(Anonymous)]

What is a good amount of venting?

Hey there folks, how's it going? I've run into a problem where I don't know what is a good amount to talk about my own problems with my friends? I have a couple of friends who talk about their problems/life often. However I'm reluctant to do the same due to negative and silent responses I've received recently with separate online folks.

I'm wondering if I'm doing myself harm by being closed off with my feelings, or missing out on the chance to connect with people? I'm trying to be cool and chill about things, but I'm also worried about if I'm being a bad friend by being silent.

Re: Advice sought

[(Anonymous)]

A good amount is it's not over taking your life and dominating all your conversations. If it's interfering with the quality of your life and you aren't talking about anything else, there is a problem.

It could be context when speaking with your friends? If you bring up your problems when they bring up theirs and they need you to listen, they might feel talked over and invalidated. Or you are trying to "one up" them.

If you're bringing up your problems at a completely different time and they aren't responding. Then, your friendship might be one way.

You don't have to be silent. You can try to give validation and hope. "This is hard, you've done hard things before. I believe in you." "Your feelings are valid. There's no wrong way to feel about things." "Do you need someone to listen? Or do you need help?" "That sounds tough, what do you want to do about it from here?" "What is your ideal outcome? Giving up is an option. Let's talk through them." "It's not fun to feel this way. Is there something we can do together you enjoy?" "You're important. You're valid. I care about you."

None of these responses require sharing your experiences or feelings and still let you connect to your friend and give them support in their time of need. And if they're good friends, they'll give you support in yours. There are times where you need to sit on your anxiety and fear for the sake of your friends who are also going through difficult times. No one should be each other's emotional support guru 100% of the time.

Also, therapy. Therapy is designed for airing out of your emotions, coming to terms and creating coping mechanisms. You can't let go of the problem without knowing what it is.

Hope this helps.

Re: Advice sought

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, this does help me a lot. :D I appreciate the example phrases too, because god knows sometimes I'm at a loss of what to say but without trying to dig into my own personal experiences, which are kinda like a lot and very little at the same time.

I think I'll be fine if I don't share my own experiences. It used to bother me at first, but I think some thoughts are better kept to myself as I try to process things first.

Re: Advice sought

[epicurean]

100% agree with anon up.

Also if you feel it's too much, you might want to write them down first as a way of venting. Then you can talk about it to your friends but also asking them advice on how to solve them, to maybe make them feel included in the conversation.

Re: Advice sought

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, I think this is great advice! I thankfully like to journal so I'll try to process my own thoughts first to sort out what might be good to mention, and what is simply too sharp and too much/needs more personal work first.

This probably wont help but-

[(Anonymous)]

Every relationship has a ebb and flow to it, everyone is unique and follows its own rhythm.

Assuming I read this correctly, you're talking about a hesitation you feel sharing your experiences with real life friends if only due to the lack of response you get online. Or am I wrong?
I ask because words are contextless when typed. There can only be so much inflection and emphasis through text. There's a chance that your online friends are misinterpreting the context or misunderstood the importance of what you said to them. Anon online interaction is significantly different from physical/knowledgeable online conversations if only because the RL have a physical representative of what they mean.

My advice it to start slow. They want to vent, so they may just want sympathy on their hardships, given you haven't discussed your own problems (or any others) they may see you as a safe and trustworthy confidant to talk to. I would allow them their sanctuary through me, offering what advice I could, but to stay aware of the way they present it to you. The more casual approach (or the relationship that you find most trustworthy) the more likely they hear you out similarly to the way you've done for them and everyone else.

Best way to start is to ask if you can tell them something, and depending on their response and how well you know them, you can gauge who your confidant should be. (though a non significant admission should be on hand for each individual, given to all who failed and decided to trust, just ask your significant questions to those who you believe will give you an honest answer)

Re: This probably wont help but-

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, lack of response has made me feel like maybe people are just going silently "what the fuck" at what I have to say. I live a harder life than what most people experience or are comfortable interacting with, so I'm thinking that maybe the issues are just too much to share. I think I'll be okay if my problems are just too intense to talk about. I was just concerned about if my decision to be closed off about my own self may come off even worse.

Thank you for hearing me out and offering your words of advice. I probably won't discuss my issues with folks, but I am considering what level of a relationship I want with folks. I do want to be close of course, but maybe I can just be supportive without having to give much info about my own bad, hard-to-talk-about situation as well.