fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5108 ]

[ SECRET POST #5108 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5108 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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02. https://i.imgur.com/le0aubb.jpg

No physical contact is a misery for me, but since I don't have a choice about that right now, I'm glad my imagination is supplying the rest.

The cutest picture!

Anyway I was thinking about this just today. At some point in life I moved on from relationships as they were more trouble than it was worth, and began to... not just devote myself to fandom as I always had but just accept that I am better suited for fandom as a "family life" experience than for a romance. Surely it gets a little "why can't I be normal? sob" sometimes, but most of the time I am SO MUCH MORE satisfied than I know I would be if I was still trying. I wish this was an option for more people, I guess. I wish society would just accept that not everyone fits the "romantic relationship, a child or two and a dog" lifestyle.

I wish people who are not suited for the "romantic relationship, a child or two and a dog" lifestyle would realise it before they have the child or two and make everyone miserable! And they seem to be the ones defending it hardest, because if they could just make everyone see it's compulsory, they'll feel better about having chosen it.

NAYRT--as someone who wants but will not have, barring, idk, divine intervention, a romantic relationship and kids (I might be able to get a dog at some point), normalizing not having that life is good even for people who want it.

Both as reassurance that their absence doesn't make life meaningless, for people like me who struggle to care for themselves sometimes and can't manage a romantic partnership or a decent life for hypothetical children, and to stop people who have partners and children from being awful and judgmental about people who don't have or want them.

AYRT - Agreed on this. But I don't think there should be a "right" or a "wrong" in ANY way. It's just a choice; some people like blue and others prefer red. Some like green, some... anyway. Some people want it and they may not be good at it, too. Some people are very suited but just don't want it. All of that should be okay IMO.

I feel this. I'm much happier when I don't have a boyfriend and can just imagine relationships with my favs.

Me, too! I'm kind of relieved to hear other people do this, too...

This is gratifying to see. I've always assumed I was odd to enjoy my imaginary relationships more than romantic relationships I've tried. Never missed the real relationships when things soured.

I get a lot (A LOT) of enjoyment and love out of shipping and thinking about my OTPs. And I know a romantic/sexual relationship would make me miserable, because I'd be trying to force myself to feel things I didn't. But at the same time, the older I've gotten the more I've realized that there is a certain illusory element to getting my romantic fulfillment purely from fantasy.

I can comfort myself with my OTP, and love my OTP, but they will never be there for me, comfort me, amuse me, bring me coffee when they're already up to get theirs, ask me what I want to watch on TV, text me that they just got off work, buy me a donut from the grocery store, go to the mall with me for no reason, say goodnight to me. It's not a relationship, it's not a real thing I'm building. It's real, in its way, but it's not...it doesn't hold water? It doesn't reaffirm my self-identity and existence in the way my (close but entirely appropriate) relationship with my father does, or the way a relationship with a life partner would, if that were something my brain knew how to engage in.

I very much accept that this is a YMMV thing. I guess some people really do just prefer to not have a life partner or life companions, and to predominantly keep their own company, and their fantasies are all they want. That's cool. That makes things easy. Good for them, genuinely. But otoh, I used to think I was that way, when in reality I was just young. It took a long time for the deficiencies of my personal, emotional system to make themselves known.

I used to wonder if I'd grow out of it... a few decades later, I'm thinking probably not (for me personally). Other people are stressful.

Cool. :) I wish I was the same. It would make everything a lot easier.

Honestly, this is how I feel. The only thing that worries me is that it's getting harder to find people around my age in fandom. I was already the "fandom mom" ten years ago, and I can foresee the day I'll be talking to someone my age because their child introduced them to it lol. (It just hasn't happened yet thankfully.)

Not OP - Yes, I agree with this. This is what I was talking about. Sometimes lately it does get kind of, uhh, I just wish I was able to do the thing most of my old classmates and work colleagues are doing now. Less about fitting in, more about having something meaningful. Unfortunately, I was very attached to my family and many people passed away too early. There weren't a lot of people to begin with, so... It does get lonely. Engaging in fandom distracts me from that, as it's a way to find people I can relate to (it's less people every year as I'm getting old, but...) and connect emotionally, have uncompromised fun with, share experiences, but also validate those fantasy feelings I am nurturing for characters and whatnot. It's not like they will suddenly come to life and bring me coffee, but it inspires me to create so at least I am out there drawing, writing, sometimes photographing or programming or whatnot, and building a nice hobbyist portfolio. Which, I find, suits me better as a "side endeavor" from the career-money-school routine than raising a child.

I agree. I used to angrily argue against opinions like yours until I reached the age, when having a child naturally is very hard and I realized that in a few years my family will be gone and there will be nobody left to replace it. My friends drifted apart after getting families of their own, and imagination can no longer keep me happy after weeks of not hearing a human voice asking me how my day has been. There's a reason why keeping prisoners in isolated cells is considered a form of torture. Humans are social animals, and a complete isolation is against our very nature. We don't realize this while we still have a mom and a dad we can call, but they won't be there forever.

Mercifully, as a woman I don't need a relationship to get pregnant and have kids, who will hopefully still be interested in giving me a call from time to time, once they reach adulthood.

I'm sorry you're going through this, anon. My parents are both still alive, and I'm very close (basically platonic life partners) with my dad. But. I'm scared about the future. And I don't see myself ever being in a situation, financially or psychologically, where I could handle being a single parent. And I'm 33 now, so it's not like I'm likely to turn shit around fast enough to be able to swing it.

Do you have any tips or insights or anything that has helped you at all?

I'm financially secure and planning to have in vitro in the near future so sorry, but I don't have any tips for someone in your situation. I can only hope that the AI will get better in the future and we will all be able to buy ourselves our personal robot friends.

NAYRT--see, I want kids (and a partner, but it's true I wouldn't technically need one to have kids, just a one night stand or two or some money, a visit to a sperm bank, and a turkey baster.)

But I don't have my life together enough to subject kids to joining it. Part of my desire for a partner is that I would have help raising hypothetical kids, but I also wouldn't want to subject a partner to the consequences of my mostly unmanaged mental illness and trauma.

I've got two elderly blood relatives left, and one close friend my own age who everyone insists is taking advantage of me (but without them I lose the last link to my childhood who at least kind of understands what fucked me up. It's exhausting to pretend like my life was normal and I just grew up a freak for no reason, but explaining even a fraction of what happened makes peoples' mouths hang open and often they back away.)

I have a non-blood relative cousin my own age but if something happened to me he has his own shit to deal with and I think he'd try, but I don't know that he could raise a kid either.

I can't have kids with zero social safety net. It wouldn't be fair to them to have them just so I wouldn't be alone. Pets are easier; they aren't traumatized if I wake up crying two weeks in a row, or don't have the energy to cook or clean house, so long as I feed them and pet them and clean up their poop. Children need more than that. Also I'm 37; having kids will only get riskier from here.

I'm also damaged because of my childhood, and before I healed enough to feel like I have a chance to form a somewhat working relationship, I got to the point where there aren't many singles my age left, who wouldn't be just as damaged as I am, and I just don't feel like I would be able to manage both my own damage, and my partner's.

Also, this may not be relevant to your situation, but I find that my mood is affected a lot by isolation. After spending some time with my relatives my mood improves drastically and I do get the energy to cook and clean, but after a period of loneliness I also fall into that dark pit. Hence why I feel like I would do well having a child around, and I would take good care of them. I don't aim to be a perfect parent, just better than my own parents were to me. But again, this may be different for you, so my advice would be for you to seek therapy, so that you can put your life together enough to give your potential kids a good care.

Still, you are 37, so it's unlikely that you're going to die before your children grow old enough to take care of themselves without your help. If you really want kids, there's still time to try.

AYRT--eh, I think therapy might help some? But I need friends who would step in if I broke a leg or was recovering from surgery (or COVID!) too. Either that, or enough money to hire a nanny and housekeeper and pay them really well. I'm finally at the point where I could pay for an unexpected root canal without going broke, but in the US childcare is a whole 'nother ballgame.

I couldn't leave kids to fend for themselves while I dealt with an emergency. Or even just went to work. To have kids responsibly, you have to have a supportive partner, or a big family, or lots of friends willing to help out, or lots of money, and ideally at least a couple of those things.

I do socialize at work and with relatives and honestly sometimes it helps and sometimes it just stresses me out more.

I think my inability to clean and stay organized has more to do with some combo of undiagnosed ADHD, autism, anxiety, and straight up brain damage than it does with depression and loneliness. That might improve with therapy and meds? But therapy and meds are also responsibilities that take time to stay on top of, like some kind of mental illness ouroboros. The last time I tried to get a therapy appointment, my provider was booked for three months out. They'd see me sooner if I was in crisis, but I have a house and job and don't drink, do drugs, self-harm (at least not physically) ... compared to people who get priority access, I'm doing great and my life is awesome. And that was before COVID. Now, just by virtue of not being sick, recovering, jobless, homeless, or hungry, I'm doing amazing in comparison to a ton of people.

But that still wouldn't make it okay for me to have kids to assuage my fears of dying alone. It would be cruel and fucked up to expect them to support me emotionally like peers, or treat them like they owed me something for parenting them.

I think having a partner, even one with their own issues (and everyone has issues) is less fraught than having kids, not more. After all, a partner can leave if you mistreat them or you turn out to be a bad fit, or grow apart. Children are dependent on you for everything in ways that a partner shouldn't be. It's one thing to be a single parent because you split with a partner, or they died, or you just can't be bothered with romance or sex. It's another to think that kids are less work and more easily managed than a partner. That's true of pets, but it's very much not true of children.

Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you.

I understand having reservations regarding having kids due to mental issues, but the claim that you can't have kids while being a working parent is absurd, and sounds more like an excuse not to have them. Maybe you just don't want kids after all?

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(Anonymous) - 2020-12-31 21:56 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2020-12-31 23:27 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2021-01-01 00:13 (UTC) - Expand

I'm in the same boat, anon, and I totally feel you on all of this.

One can be a single working parent. But I don't believe one can responsibly be a single, working, low-earning parent, unless they have a decent support system around them.

That might improve with therapy and meds? But therapy and meds are also responsibilities that take time to stay on top of, like some kind of mental illness ouroboros.

Oof, I felt this.

Same. I'm 41 and honestly am starting to find the idea of growing old alone scary now that it's no longer quite so theoretical (I don't feel or look old - thanks daily sunscreen use! - but my parents are getting old and it's reminding me that I am no longer so young). I don't expect to have kids at this point (I'm ambivalent about them and really not interested in trying to get pregnant in my 40s, although step kids or adopted kids, especially if they aren't babies, would be fine) but a partner would definitely be a benefit.

I'm with you, OP.
I've been single for many a year and am happy with my fandom and my faves. I'm not against getting a partner I just figure I don't want to push it and I've learned a long time ago that internet dating isn't for me.

I have an OC that I'm literally in love with. It feels like love and it's better than any relationship I will ever have in real life.

But I'm still the pathetic old maid in people's eyes. Even more pathetic for being in a relationship with an imaginary person, if they knew.

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