fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5336 ]

[ SECRET POST #5336 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5336 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Venting ahead, proceed at your own risk.

Hey, it's me again, feel free to scroll I just need to dump my feelings somewhere out of the way.

So shit keeps going wrong against the background of my being a hoarder with other mental health issues.

I gave up yesterday as a bad job because my period hit like being steamrollered, but not before finding out something chewed through more sink pipes when I went to repair them and found a leak I didn't have parts to fix.

Then at 1 am or so something went ping off the back of my fridge, shot across the room, knocked my replacement food processor (old one died last week) off the counter, and fridge coolant started leaking out making a noise like a teakettle about to explode.

I unplugged the fridge and decamped to my only sort of friend's house with my cat so we wouldn't asphyxiate, and left the doors open so the freon or whatever would dissipate. (Sorry, ozone layer.)

It started pouring rain early this morning. We need any rain we can get, so that was nice. But...

When I checked this morning, I my already hoarder house had mud and broken eggs on the floor courtesy of a wet possum coming in and knocking an egg carton off the counter and potted plants off kitchen shelves, plus the fridge defrosting.

I filled one big black trash bin with most of the fridge and freezer contents. I want to cook some stuff before it goes bad so it'll take up less space in friend's fridge (and I owe her food anyway) but I don't know if all the freon is gone and it's super dangerous around flames including my gas stove.

I need a new oven so if I get things clean I guess I can order both and live off beans and ramen for months.

My friend is mad at me for making a big deal about something simple like cleaning my hoarder heap and getting a new fridge, but I already wiped myself out mentally just clearing the fridge out and I'm not even done. It'd take me a week of effort to clean everything even if I took off work and my brain worked like a normal person's.

I have horrible anxiety about phone calls, handymen, and letting strangers into my house. My friend pays no rent on condition that she replace any appliances that need it and pay for basic repairs, but while she might reimburse me, she won't actually help with hiring or ordering or cleaning because it's my problem and I should just get over myself and deal with it.

She's right, but I think I'd rather fight a bear bare-handed.

I have a three day weekend starting Friday so I guess I know how I'll be spending it. Now to scrub egg mud off my kitchen floor.

Same anon--made broccoli soup. Saw The Green Knight at the movie theater because I needed a mental break, but it was bleaker than I was expecting. Not sure it helped me relax. Friend disliked the slow pace, I didn't mind but wish the ending was more hopeful.

Gonna brush my teeth and conk out. Still have at least one bag of fridge contents to toss but I'll do that in the morning when I'm not so tired I'm basically drunk without fun or alcohol.

Barring any more emergency fuckups I'll go to work tomorrow and ask for Tuesday off to clean more.

Oops just found an injured(? Idk it couldn't seem to fly but it's wings seem okay) dragonfly and put it out on the rushes in my half barrel pond, hope it lives.

Trying to relax and calm down. It's hard. I wish I could just go a couple years between nasty surprises, instead of a couple days.

Might sound harsh, but it sounds like the hoarding is a big, big source of "nasty surprises" and tbh i'm surprised your friend hasn't given you a goddamn ultimatum.

I get hoarding is complex, but at this point, it's doing nothing for you but making you more depressed.

I'm pretty sure AYRT knows this. It's just hard to actually fix the problem, even when you know it's a problem.

I get that, but I'm also very unsympthetic having lived with a hoarder and currently watching a friend waste her life unfucking her grandma's hoarder house full of bedbugs while her grandma laments losing all the trash.

I'm sorry to hear that, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. I completely understand where you're coming from. And it's alright not to be sympathetic in this case.

I just hope that AYRT can recover from this before things inevitably get worse because of their hording.

+1

I do have sympathy for both sides here, but honestly, I'm with the friend in this case. Especially since they're apparently sharing property, and the rats OP admits to and any other vermin the hoarder hell has attracted are going to impact her as well, if they haven't started already.

AYRT--Oh, I know it's not helping my mental health. But friend has her own mental health issues including, up until last year, living in squalor pretty much. I came up at Halloween one year to clean for truck or treaters and found the Halloween decorations still up when I came up to drop off Christmas presents, under layers of stuff and dirt.

She doesn't get attached to things like I do, or have trouble buying new things when old ones are still usable. But she does have trouble cleaning. Man, the fights we'd get into about scrubbing down the bathtub and cleaning the toilet, and picking up after cat litterbox accidents... yikes.

She spent lockdown getting her house in order. When we shared a living space we would give each other ultimatums but also trade chores; I'd do her dishes if she swept, stuff like that.

I did some of that for the first couple weeks, but mostly cleared the yard of weeds and then spiraled and didn't leave the house until I was called back to work. She continued to clean while working from home for the rest of 2020; I had anxiety attacks constantly because I was working in person after the first month and taking public transit to get there. Now for the first time in years her house is a little grimy, but totally liveable.

I expect to get a better handle on the hoarding soon because I'm transferring somewhere I can walk to work. One less source of anxiety, but also more cleaning time.

I kept a way better handle on everything when I worked half time, I would spend a day cleaning counters and the stove, or the fridge, or the bathroom, or vacuum and mop. Sometimes I'd do movie marathons and clean four days in a row. Now I have to fit all my cleaning and other errands and a life, such as it is, around a full time job and commute. I just about have the energy left over to get groceries, cook, do dishes, exercise, put trash and recycling out, and lug laundry to the laundromat. Everything else has to wait for a rare high energy day with nothing else going on.

We have different dysfunctions; when she got bad I would go fish dishes out of the spare room because she would stack them up and hide them rather than wash them. I remember her house growing up was worse than me at my worst; it wasn't exactly that any one family member (she lived in the same room with her dad, in a house with her 2 uncles, a cousin, and her dad's parents) was a hoarder really, but the only responsible adult was her frail paternal grandfather so nobody cleaned much and everyone smoked, and everyone's belongings piled up in the spare room and spilled into the yard.

She also pays no rent despite making $10 more an hour than I do. She can leave if she wants. She's actually in line to inherit her grandparent's house where she grew up and there's only one uncle left living there she gets along with, she could move in there too and it's less than five miles away, or she makes enough to rent somewhere or probably, at this point, buy a place.

And the rats have been a problem since my dad bought the place; parts aren't to code and make for easy vermin access. I stopped leaving a fruit bowl on the counter, put the chicken food and cat kibble in a metal trash can, and patch holes when I find them, but there are fruit trees and shrubs and birdbaths outside and I refuse to pave over everything or use poison, so there will be rats regardless, especially as my neighbors are hoarders with a yard like a junkheap. Up until last year, I rarely saw rats, or droppings or anything, inside. I caught two mice in May 2020, then never saw another mouse inside. I think the first rat showed up in August 2020? Somewhere around there. Before then they were a garden and chicken coop nuisance, not a house problem.

They got into the stove and made nests in the oven insulation, but they mostly seem determined to chew through the wall to the cupboards under the kitchen sink and into the p-trap. There's nothing under the sink but clean dishes, bleach, soap, spray cleaners, and a couple empty vases, and there's other water sources that are way easier to access, idk. Going to replace those pipes with metal next time, if I can find some.

The rats don't seem to have done the fridge in, it was just old, like most of the appliances and the house.

And now I've gotta get up and ready for work, feed my cat and hens, and clean some more.

I'm currently just avoiding an online social group that I hang out with, and just want to make a new one. Just trying to figure out how to market a small discord server with frequent streaming sessions.

Well I didn't have one when this was posted, but I sure do now.

I HATE DOWNLOAD-ONLY GAMES.

I've been thinking maybe I want to try to get back into Ace Attorney fandom, but before I actually do anything in the kink meme again or whatever, I should really play Spirit of Justice, which came out when I was too sick and unable to cope with anything at all for me to even think about playing games. Even visual novels. But I'm better at coping now at least so I thought to look into it and oh, hey, it's on sale right now. Why not?

So I got my 3DS out for the first time in probably 6-7 years, plugged it in, got it set up with the router I'd bought since then, recovered my long-forgotten Nintendo ID password, did the system update, FINALLY made it into the shop...

And I don't have enough space to download the game. I'd have to delete Dual Destinies in order to make enough space, because these games take up pretty much an entire SD card themselves.

Why can't I just buy easily-identifiable carts to switch in and out instead of generic unlabeled SD cards?!

And it's not like I had any spare SD cards sitting around, so the game being on sale is offset anyway by the fact that I just had to put in an order for an SD card and hope that it'll be in stock at the store where I can pick it up tomorrow morning or else find one in stock somewhere else before the sale ends.

It's like every time I think of getting back into that fandom, the world immediately smacks me in the face and tells me it's not worth it.

Oof I get this so much! I've had this problem with my 3DS, PS Vita, and devices with iOS. The Switch has been better, but I just got one last year, so I haven't had time for the habitual storage issues to happen yet.

Yeah, I got a huge SD card for the Switch specifically BECAUSE I had had this issue with past phones (and cameras, but that was a situation where I just made sure to dump a con day's worth of photos off the card before I went to bed each night, hahah). I had completely forgotten that the 3DS ran into this constantly back in the day too, because when I got it, the largest card it accepted that I could afford was a 2gig. Playable demos? That would be great... IF I COULD DOWNLOAD THEM WITHOUT DELETING THE ONE ACTUAL GAME THAT'S DOWNLOAD-ONLY.

At least looking around the web, it LOOKS like a 32gig SDHC will work nowadays. And is only $12 at the place I usually get all my stuff from (Meijer is like a regional Walmart but not so sketchy - I can say this because I worked there for 7 years :P). Now hopefully it is actually in stock... guess I'll find out in a couple hours when I pick up the order. :P

teal deer: having regrets about contributions to a group fanwork
warning: whining and self-pity within

A bit upset with myself over a dumb fandom thing. I've been participating in a collective group fanwork, the first I'd done with this particular group. I took on one of the bigger projects because nobody was doing it (and IMO it seemed an essential part of the whole), put a lot of work into it, and despite my own limitations, I was satisfied with my work.

Satisfied enough to take on another project, a smaller one in time for the deadline. Since the big project was serious, I decided to take on a lighter and somewhat humorous project to balance things out.

There is a place where people sometimes share their progress with the comm (not just with people in charge), so I did the same and shared a small sample of the smaller project. I did it to point out something I was amused by. And then someone critiqued it. It wasn't even a bad critique, just a "oh hey, that part might be redundant jsyk" kind of comment, and while I politely acknowledged it, it killed my mood. Yes, I realize sharing anything invites feedback, and it was entirely my fault for not specifying I wasn't looking for critiques.

I'm not even mad about receiving a critique, but now it's making me paranoid as hell. If something that small generated such a comment that quickly, just how badly did I fuck up the big project, no part of which I shared with the group before completing and submitting? I'm my harshest critic but I try to be reasonable with goals and projects as well. I took my time. I checked in with the folks in charge. They didn't come back with "sorry, this isn't what we're looking for, try again" so I assumed it was okay. I considered going back to them and withdrawing my submission (and throwing it up on my page with the rest of the inferior trash) or at least reworking it so that it sucks less.

My only comfort is that the part I was hoping to fix can't be improved anyway (I won't specify what I'm working on, but let's just call it a limitation of the "program" I'm using). And I guess those in charge could still decide what I submitted doesn't make the cut. Maybe that would be a blessing in disguise, idk.

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[ SECRET POST #5336 ]

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