[ SECRET POST #5752 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5752 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 23 secrets from Secret Submission Post #823.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

08. https://i.imgur.com/gVdqxw6.jpg

[pantswarrior]

I saw a Tumblr post not long ago that this kind of reminds me of. Regarding Pride being a "safe place"...

For crying out loud, we're not children, and (generally, I'm sure there are some puritan asexuals out there) not opposed to OTHER people having sex.

[(Anonymous)]

That's an A+ tumblr post.

[(Anonymous)]

It remember me this Simpsons's ep -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSx0DMht02A

[(Anonymous)]

I guess I can kind of see the 'good' intention there of trying to think up a tagging if you're trying to specify something as featuring ace characters in non-sexual situations - but I agree op, as a fellow ace who's not sex repulsed and into the kinkier side of thing its annoying as hell when people try to lump the entire ace community into 'don't fuck/ew sex' category.

[(Anonymous)]

new to this thread

I honestly feel like it's gone too far in the other direction. I feel like lately I've seen so many people going overboard that just because they're asexual doesn't mean they don't like sex! I've seen a few people who identify as asexual say they actively WOULD NOT WANT a non-sexual relationship.

It confuses me, and it annoys me because it makes the label meaningless. The other sexuality labels have specific meanings and it bugs me that with asexual apparently anything goes. If you had someone claiming to be gay but saying they loved having sex with the opposite sex, no one would take them seriously because THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT WORD MEANS, but someone can be like "I'm asexual but I really love sex and can't imagine living without it" and everyone's like "yes, yes, that totally makes sense".

I get the whole "it's about sexual attraction and nothing else" argument, but it still doesn't even make sense to me. Again, if someone was like "I'm gay, but I love having sex with the opposite sex, but it doesn't count because I'm not sexually attracted to them" they would be rightly called out for it.

I don't know, it's all just confusing and contradictory and kind of hypocritical to me. Sorry for the rant, but lately I feel left out even in asexual communities and it sucks.

[(Anonymous)]

in all fairness, humans are a lot more complicated and more multifaceted than any label can ever truly cover.

Like the whole point of labels in the realm of sexuality is to help describe the bare basics of what a person can identify as, especially since in the case of the western world for the longest time its been heterosexuality = normal, and if you don't experience sexual attraction at all or in the 'correct way' then "something is deeply wrong with you".

For instance a straight guy can be into a woman - but it doesn't mean he'll be into every woman ever in existence because of personal preferences. He might be more into romance than he's into sex, or into sex more than romance - maybe there's an even amount or all or nothing in either sections. He might find out later in life that new guy Dave from the gym is pretty attractive and perhaps he wasn't as straight as he originally thought or it was just a passing fancy and no big deal after all.

Not being sexually attracted to anyone doesn't mean you can't ever be attracted to anyone ever - such as being drawn to someones personality or thinking that they look nice. And of course there's people who don't want any of the above and don't want a relationship.
'Asexuality' just happens to cover a common ground, but isn't going to cover every individual's experience into one word. And nowadays with more language to terminology readily available online people can either go into detail with multiple of labels to describe every aspect of themselves, or can be happy with just the one word.

Also being asexual doesn't mean you can't have sex at all - physically there's anatomy and sometimes a libido there. While there are those who are sex repulsed, there are those who are not.
In my experience idgaf. Sex doesn't gross me out but I haven't been that eager for it either, but while in the past I've been in relationships where there wasn't any sex, I've also been with partners who I have had sex with since I didn't mind going along with it and liked the intimacy part of it.

Even thought there are people who can fit perfectly into their designated boxes without a fuss, there will always be people who won't or can potentially fit into more than one.

[(Anonymous)]

To may aces I know, including me, sex is just another activity, like bowling or knitting. One that some may find fun and enjoyable (or intensely off putting), but that doesn't mean that they're sexually attracted to their partner. And maybe they find the activity of sex enjoyable enough that it's a deal breaker for a relationship. Doesn't mean they're not ace. Still not physically attracted to their partner.

There's a spectrum between gay and straight, allo and ace, and none of it depends on what acts you DO, but what you FEEL. A gay man who marries a woman and has children with her but is not actually attracted to her (see: lots of Mormons) is STILL GAY.

[(Anonymous)]

It really is just incredibly, unbearably frustrating not knowing where you belong as an ace. I've never sought out ace-specific communities because of general queer spaces with aphobes telling me I should (because spiteful contrarianism and all that at the time) but seeing the trend going in the other direction and the general backlash from it makes me want to even less than before. I genuinely hate sharing my identity now because it just invites people to make broad assumptions about me, regardless of whether those people are queer or not. It doesn't feel like there's a "safe" way for me to say that I'm ace without people demanding to know whether I fall on the "sex-repulsed or not" binary (because of course it's a binary, I can't roll my eyes hard enough) and making a blanket judgment of me based on that, either of which boils down to "oh, you're one of THOSE asexuals." Because to everyone else, there's three kinds of aces: sex-repulsed, sex-loving, and asexuality isn't a thing.

Sex and gender is just too much goddamn work. It's too stressful. Why do we all have to focus so damn much on it? Can't we just focus on more interesting shit? I don't even care about being ace, I just want to pet cats and buy nice things.

[(Anonymous)]

I think it has to do a bit with respectability politics in the LGBT+ community, and in the sub- ace and gay communities; and a bit to do with the histories of said communities; and a bit to do with the language people are simply used to using to define themselves based on their sexual attraction and drive. And an intersect of all these things.

A lot of the pushback by aces about how they can and do love sex is just that -- pushback. Not liking sex at all ever gets you called a prude and more, and I've even seen more times than I can count when someone would act like just the state of someone else existing as a person who doesn't enjoy sex is the same as being a slut-shamer. This makes the perfect condition for lots of neutral aces to overcompensate and be loud about loving sex to dispel the myth, when probably not as many of them actually do love sex.

On the gay side, it's always been expected that being gay means you hate sex with anyone of another gender, but some are people who loathe the act itself and some more loathe what it represents: the pressure to be "cured of gayness." Whether there's any functional difference depends on the person. If it weren't for all the historical baggage, there probably would be gay people who are open about liking sex with other genders while only being attracted to their own.

So. I think neither "being ace and loving sex with people" nor "being gay and loving sex with people-not-your-gender" are that common, but if it weren't for all the outside influences, the amount of ace and gay people it does apply to would be about the same.

[(Anonymous)]

OP
I mean, there is also fiction vs reality. I don't need to have sex or to feel attraction to enjoy reading about sex. People read about sword fights, murders, all kinds of situations without any plan to participate in them irl. A lot of this well-meaning tags sound like aces don't have agency frankly.

[(Anonymous)]

The Very Special Episode Effect, maybe?

[(Anonymous)]

Considering the number of fics that have ace people in sexual relationships and aro people in romantic relationships, I can see why you'd want to have a tag for "that's not happening here". But those other fics aren't "unsafe"! They're just fics!

[(Anonymous)]

OP
Exactly! But usually fics with ace/aro in sexual/romantic relationships are tagged accordingly. This 'safe' thing is just insulting

[(Anonymous)]

This, and if there's aphobia in the fic, that would be a trigger warning that also gets its own tag. "Safe" is just what you have when there are no tags that the reader doesn't want to read about. It doesn't need to BE a tag.

[(Anonymous)]

Considering the number of fics that have ace people in sexual relationships and aro people in romantic relationships, I can see why you'd want to have a tag for "that's not happening here".


I feel like "ace-friendly" maybe would be a better term? "Safe" is just so...dramatic.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, I feel like people need to remember that we make moves of inclusion to make people feel included/seen/represented.

But I think often marginalized individuals want that feeling of validation more in their idealized form of feeling special. So they want to make a lot of noise around feeling special.

And TBH I think there's room for nuance here. But I'm not holding my breath.
Everyone's going to come in with their individualized pains and personal ideologies to get their moment on the soapbox, not so much with the intent of hearing people's thoughts and feelings out and possibly improve. I don't know if anyone really wants to talk about how to make more rare/marginalized groups feel more represented or heard so that we can normalize the existence of those folks while also holding room for these groups to feel special/like they have room to feel themselves.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm aroace and I actively avoid aroace fics. I'm not attracted to anyone but I still have sexual and romantic appetites, and shipping and fanfic are my main outlet for all of that. So the literal LAST thing I want from fanfic is for it to reflect my own experience back at me.

That's not to say I'm against aro or ace fic in any way; it's just not something I'm personally into.

Also, yeah, I definitely find "safe for aroaces" a grating description. Like, I guess I can see the purpose of it, but it's really not a tag I would ever use, personally.

[(Anonymous)]

OP
Yeah, it's my situation too.
I am not against ace and aro fics, but I am not interested. I don't want reading about my experience, I am living it. Sometimes I am vaguely ashamed that I "do ace wrong". That's irrational, but that's emotions for you.

[(Anonymous)]

Huh. I wonder if it's fandom-specific, because I have literally never once seen this tag and am constantly actively looking for ace fic. Apparently I'm the minority in this thread, but I wish there was more ace fic. There's very little I can find in any of my fandoms, and what few there are usually aren't very good, and I'm so tired of all the sex in fics.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm NOT aroace, so I'm not going to talk as a member of that community here.
But I'm pretty sure I'm aromantic and due to childhood sexual trauma I'm sex repulsed IRL (still find women attractive, but still not going to have sex with probably anyone ever. I'm fine with that. I'm not too interested in sex to begin with tbh).

I LOVE reading stories about platonic bonds, like found family and gen fics. The ones where you have A PERSON who's your companion, but there is no romantic nor sexual attraction whatsoever. +million bonus points if the bond is not "brotherly". There was a moment years ago when there were a lot of good platonic bong fics (I remember some in Dean/Cass, Stucky and other anime-manga fandoms), but lately I find less and less good ones.

I tried reading recent fics tagged as "safe place for aroace people" and they're sometimes... unsettling for me.
I'm not aroace, but as an outsider they sometimes seem so patronizing and sanitizing. I'm not child. I doubt aroace people are all children. I just want the story to be about the platonic relationship!
Also A LOT of them still have romantic undertones and MAAAAN that is so boring.

(don't know if this makes sense. I'm surviving on a 3 hour sleep schedule)

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's this purity culture thing. If you are more interested in any other relationships you just write about them. But a lot of this "ace-safe" fics are shipping but without "icky" sex and are sanitized to hell and back. Not all, but enough to get wary

[(Anonymous)]

I mean, people are allowed to do that, though. As long as they're not going around telling people not to write about sex or saying that no fics should ever have sex, let them enjoy ones that don't include it.

[(Anonymous)]

as an ace lesbian who cringes at the vast majority of ace headcanons because they feel too shallow compared to my own feelings and experiences, i relate to this.

but i also feel generally out of place in fandom these days, as what i want out of it nine times out of ten is pure escapism, i e i actively don't want to read stuff that reflects my personal experiences!

[(Anonymous)]

HONESTLY

Like, the implication that my own fic that I, an asexual, write, is... unsafe for aces?? if it contains sex???

Sex neither I nor my fellow ace smut readers are physically having???

My smut is frequently ABOUT how sex-positive asexuals engage with kink and/or sex and what one gets out of it when one isn't an inherently sexual being.