[ SECRET POST #6013 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6013 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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02.
[The Witcher: Blood Origin]



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05.
[Taskmaster]



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07. [WARNING for discussion of child pornography, child molestation/underage sexual assault]




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08. [WARNING for child molestation]

[Mysterious Skin]





























Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #859.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

03. https://i.imgur.com/uH3pkzA.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

Oof. Well, hearing that a lot of people just ghosted them for no apparent reason would've been a big red flag for me, because... yeah, there's got to be a reason and staying friends with them increases one's chances of finding out firsthand. Also, your friend clearly knew this and still wanted to put the burden on someone else for managing their problems, so that's not cool.

That said, I would've straight up told them that their insecurities were causing them to be clingy and pushy and that will alienate people.

[(Anonymous)]

They could have been neurodivergent and simply not realized they were being clingy. I think honesty (without harshness) might have been the best policy here. Give them a chance to change and, if they didn't, or didn't fast enough, tell them the friendship wasn't working, but that you still wished them the best. However, I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. It's easy to dispense advice when not living through what you did. If you feel guilty, why not try to find this person and simply explain what happened?

[(Anonymous)]

Ehhh. I mean, that'd be a generous approach, but I think it's understandable if not everyone wants to take it. It's not necessarily on OP to teach this person how to treat people, and the confrontation could range from merely awkward to triggering a full on stalker. OP has no way of knowing how mild or serious the reaction could be to telling someone that they're driving people away with their negative behaviors. That's why people ghost - to avoid having to deal with a potential blow up from someone who's already demonstrated a lack of social intelligence or boundaries.

[(Anonymous)]

I get what you're saying. I talk about the possibility of this solution because the ex-fandom-friend themselves put it forward: be honest and tell them if the friendship wasn't working. The "why" is just a bonus.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, don't feel guilty. I've dealt with people like that before and ime asking them to back off only makes them MORE pushy and clingy. Sometimes it's best to just extricate yourself from the situation gracefully.

[(Anonymous)]

Well, you were much younger. Yeah, probably you should have told them they were being clingy. But I would totally ghost someone in this situation when I was young because I had no skills in conflict resolution. There are chances I would ghost even now frankly

[(Anonymous)]

It was the wrong thing to do but it's also 20 years in the past now and it's not worth beating yourself up over forever. Nobody's perfect and it's a very difficult situation to be in.

[(Anonymous)]

This. After 20 years, it’s time to come to terms with what you did and get over the guilt. It serves no purpose now. Figure out what you’d do differently now and move on, OP.

[(Anonymous)]

I can relate. The first person who convinced me to chat with them in real time (I was extremely privacy-conscious and socializing at all was hard for me when I first started dipping my toes in fandom) had been sexually abused by her father and had major issues with loneliness and self-worth. I wound up ghosting her too, eventually, after I started university, because I suddenly had a pile of classmates I had to interact with every day, on top of my previous relationships, and it was just too much. I still feel bad about it sometimes. But also conflicted because ... I know she wasn't trying to push me, but at the same time, she was very needy. I sort of wish I'd had the wherewithal to keep being her friend, because she really seemed to need some. And as you say - people like that tend to be abandoned over and over. But it was sort of a relief to stop chatting with her. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

I still play the songs by My Chemical Romance that she introduced me to, very rarely, and wonder if she's alive and made it out.

[(Anonymous)]

I had a fandom friend who was abused as a child and they had a lot of mental issues. They were fun, but also tend to be ah... clique and terribly judgy of people and always being a leader of some discourse. Frankly they were toxic and I am glad that I've stopped talking with them (also I was blocked on every social for daring unsubscribing). I've accidentally have seen their comments recently and thought to myself that it's nice they are alive and well anyway

[(Anonymous)]

I’d feel bad, too, but I would have done the same thing. One of the things I learned through fandom is that we can’t be our fandom friends’ therapists. And twenty years ago A LOT of fandom was looking for just that. Most didn’t mean to, online fandom at the time just drew a large number of social misfits and many had issues they needed to work through. I know I overshared plenty because I hadn’t learned social norms yet and I was in my late 20s. I can’t remember if anyone ghosted me but I wouldn’t blame them if anyone did. Eventually I made strides in my life that included learning social norms and getting therapy for my issues. I’m far more circumspect these days and my social needs are better balanced.

[(Anonymous)]

I get your point but I was fandom-friend-slash-therapist for quite a few of my online friends. It's just the few people that were dying inside from how much they hated being alone and clung like hell that I couldn't have a stable thing with. For some reason, that's uniquely hard? Or it was for me, at least.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes it's for the best to ghost someone. Some people will see any form of interaction as a signal that they are OK to talk at length about anything they want, even when you set up boundaries and communicate with them what you want to and don't want to talk about. It can be exhausting to always remind them or tell yourself to "ignore/gloss over" over said things.

I've been both the clingy friend and the friend who is uncomfortable with the clingy friend.
The least dramatic way to end these friendships tended to be the slow ghosting act.
You talk less and less and eventually the back and forth stops.
It's painful no matter which friend you are.

[meadowphoenix]

the grand majority of people simply aren't confrontational and would have done the same thing. and who know, maybe you were picking up on reasons it wasn't safe to be direct. your friend had clues to change their circumstances, even if they didn't or couldn't heed them.

[(Anonymous)]

Eh....if the friend was neurodivergent they may not have had discernable clues. As someone who's been ghosted and been the ghoster, there's some that I kind of know why and some where years later I'm still clueless as to what I did and will never know. And let me tell you, even if it is from your own shitty behavior, getting ghosted over and over when you just want to make friends feels really really bad. But as someone who's also ghosted I certainly can't fault OP either, much less over something that happened 20 years ago.

[meadowphoenix]

I was speaking as a person who as a child couldn't find a clue-by-four if it hit me in the head: if everyone you meet keeps ghosting you, you can do some self-reflection in some direction and see if change changes things. most people won't and as I said some can't, but a lack of specific information isn't actually no information. op's ex-friend clearly thought the intensity was the problem (a la "tell me if you need a break"). i'm sure it does feel awful though.