fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6418 ]

[ SECRET POST #6418 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6418 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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I don't get the whole nine yards infantilization treatment from my parents. In a way, it's... a little worse? Because on some level they do understand I'm an adult, financially independent, living on my own, etc. But on the other hand they clearly still think of me as a kid - i.e. not that smart, unable to make good decisions, most stuff is just too hard for me and I'll probably fail so I should be more cautious and humble and not attempt it*, unable to figure out how to do basic adult stuff and needing supervision/instruction, etc. etc.

If I were to point this out, they'd strenuously deny it and be offended. As it is, I try to sort of nudge them discreetly by reminding them that I'm an adult who is [my age], I know how to do [basic adult skill] just fine, or by laying out my logical reasons for making this or that decision, which they reluctantly listen to and then reluctantly agree that my choice is the right one. But the next time this comes up, they're right back to acting like I'm a dimwit. A dimwit they love very much! But a dimwit nontheless. I'm about 30% hurt and 70% pissed af about it, but don't really see them changing any time soon.

* This is a particularly poisonous mindset that has really damaged me as an adult and led to issues of insecurity and being too scared to try things. Please don't do this to your kids.

A lot less than they used to, but my mother does still sometimes. My dad was much worse with this, though, and now that he's passed and honestly now that my mother needs me more for a lot of physical things she can't do, it happens much less often.

I'm sorry it took something like that for your mother to see you as an adult. She's lucky to have you.

MY mother thinks I'm too dumb to know enough to take a towel to a swimming pool.

Crazy, right? Like, is that an admission she didn't raise you with common sense, or...?

Sounds like my mother!

That sounds like my parents. It never got better. They always thought of and treated me like I was on the day I left home. I’m almost 50 and my only remaining parent still does this. It doesn’t really bother me anymore; while it sucks that my parents couldn’t be bothered to get to know me or take an interest in my life, it’s still been an awesome life. They’re the ones who have missed out, not me.

That's a good attitude to have. I guess I regret not having a better relationship with my parents. Not that our relationship is bad! We talk regularly, enjoy spending time together, stuff like that. But it stings that they reflexively act as though they have a low opinion of my intelligence and decision-making skills, and that this is a totally reasonable approach in their view. It must partly stem from anxiety and growing older, worrying that I won't be able to get along without them. But... I have never given them a cause for worry? I graduated college in 4 years, with good grades. I'm financially independent. I moved out after college. I'm in a good relationship, with a steady job that doesn't earn big bucks, but it's fine - and more than fine in this damn economy.

But none of them has convinced them that no, actually they CAN trust me to drive across the town I grew up in by myself and run some errands.

Both of my parents think I can’t be trusted to do simple things like paint a bedroom, hang up a shelf, or figure out which bus goes to the airport. Worse, they get mad at me when I do these things on my own. It’s so freaking bizarre. A part of me thinks it’s because both of my parents lost a parent young and had to grow up fast, so this is their way of protecting me, but it’s really aggravating. And whenever I try to bring it up, they call me ungrateful.

I've read that narcissist parents tend to see their children as an extension of themselves rather than as individuals in their own right. So when the adult child acts in a way they don't expect or don't want, their reaction is a bit over the top negative and the reverse of what you'd expect. A reasonable person would be glad their kid knows how to do all those things on their own, because that's a sign they've grown up and you did your job right. A narcissist gets upset...

They didn't treat me like a child when I was one, which is a different issue

Oof. My sympathies. :(

=(
I'm sorry.
Definitely can relate.

If your parents spent your childhood telling you that you weren't that smart and shouldn't try things because you'd obviously fail, the problem started before you were an adult.

Like my mom still reminds me to take a towel swimming but that's because she knows what our family is like. I also remind her to take a towel swimming. Because we often forget things like towels. Neither of us thinks we're infantilizing each other when we show care. But also even when I was a toddler she treated me as someone who was smart and capable and always learning new things and getting better, and that didn't change when I turned 18 either.

I'm sure for a lot of people their parents not seeing them as adults is a problem, especially when they're new adults, but a lot of times when
I'm listening I'm thinking to myself really, the problem is they didn't like or respect you when you were a kid, either.

"If your parents spent your childhood telling you that you weren't that smart and shouldn't try things because you'd obviously fail, the problem started before you were an adult."

Yes, that was my point.

Though to be clear, my parents didn't tell me I wasn't smart. Just that I wasn't smart enough or good enough for the things I wanted to try, with the implication that trying and failing would be very humiliating for everyone so I needed to be really, really sure I'd succeed at something before attempting it.

My husband and I both have parents that think of us as being around 15-18. We think it’s because we each left home quite young (16 for me, 18 for him) and moved very far away. Our parents never saw the development and have such strong mental images of who we are that they are blind to reality when we’re around them. It’s pretty aggravating. Neither of us had particularly good parents (his mom is good but his dad is so bad that it cancels her out and both my parents are worse than his dad). We’ve pretty much come to terms with having no real family outside our own household. My mother was a true narcissist and used to tell me regularly that she loved me but didn’t like me. She was also very vocal about owning me and having the papers to prove it (my adoption papers). Thankfully she’s dead and life is a lot better now.
I try to remember to text my father every few weeks and I always give any help when he asks. But damn it’s humiliating? annoying? insulting? hurtful? that he thinks he has to walk me through hooking up the garden hose and turning it on. There are more issues, far deeper than the little things like that. He doesn’t listen to me and doesn’t know anything about me. He is dismissive of my accomplishments and experiences. He is dismissive about my health problems because I’m not terminally ill. He often complains that my family is an inconvenience or obstacle, sometimes meaning for me and sometimes meaning for himself. He wouldn’t be happy with my lifestyle and so insists I’m miserable when in fact I’m very happy. My life is just how I want it with the exception of having crappy parents.

That's rough, anon. It sounds like the "little things" are bad enough, from what you're saying. I'm not dealing with a ton of trauma or a bad childhood, per se. I believe my parents love me, but... like you said, they don't know me very well. They've got this picture of who I am in their heads formed from my childhood, and they're not able to change that picture even though I'm an adult. It's weird, because they only seem to remember the mistakes I made, but never seem to recall or recognize my accomplishments. One of their favorite things to do is to recall some embarrassing incident from my childhood when I did something foolish or silly because I didn't know any better and nobody told me. That's hilarious to them, and they'll tell that story over and over and over, chuckling every single time. I've never let them know how crappy and hurtful I find it when they do that, and I think it's because I know they won't take me seriously, and they definitely won't stop. My embarrassment and hurt will just make it funnier to them.

Which kind of makes them sound like psychos, but they're not. They're just... sort of casually cruel without realizing it. They don't think such a story is humiliating, so why would I feel that way? That's their approach to everything. Whatever they think and feel about something is the right way, everyone else must either agree and think the same way or they're wrong and should correct themselves.

My mother used to tell me that shit about not liking me while insisting that she "loved" me when I was a little kid too. That is such a fucking lethal thing to say to a little kid.

As the parent, I am listening to my kids when they bring this type of situation up and working very hard on changing my behavior. I still offer support, but they are adults and they get to decide how they want to do things. I’m ancillary at this point, and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Nope. Though they don't let me pay for stuff when I am with them but that's more because they know how shit the economy is lol.

My mom "helicopter"ed me when I was younger, but I also got a lot of 'you're too smart to not be doing xyz' or 'you're lazy and not trying' blah blah blah, 'you need to grow up' 'peter pan syndrome' etc........ and like. Her help was very Conditional. I only was worthy of it if she saw me desperately struggling. Once I was able to push myself into independence and broke free, suddenly it was 'OH NO, YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ALL OF THAT I'LL HELP YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING'

then I got diagnosed with ASD a few months ago

BOY HOWDY I could only *WISH* she went back to that crazy shit from yesteryears, because I was at least familiar enough with it to know how to tune her out and shit. But here I am again, at 38 years old, and she treats me like I'm a whole preteen. Granted, I also kinda have very, uh. Teenager coded habits (like my hobbies and my personality when I'm not masking) but this time I truly think she believes I'm incompetent lol. But now it's go time for me to grow up yet again so we'll see what happens.

Not at all. My dad passed away eight years ago but before his death, he treated me as an adult who lived in his house. My mom doesn't but we live across the US from each other, which might help. But we talk daily and she never makes me feel incapable or gives me unasked for advice or anything like that.

Yes in some ways (one of my dads assumed I didn't know how to cook because I didn't cook well as a teen/early 20-something; how did he think I've been feeding myself for the past 20 years????) no in others. I'm more professionally successful/financially stable than either of them ever were, so now they ask me for advice on all major investments/taxes/estates/property decisions, which I don't think you'd do with a child.

Nope. I still live with them because they're in their 80s now and need help around the house just due to getting older, but they never inquire into my affairs and trust me to handle all of my own business myself. I've jetted off to foreign countries on my own multiple times and they've never said a word about it beyond "just let us know the info for your flights and what hotel you're going to be staying in."

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[ SECRET POST #6418 ]

Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?

Re: Adults of FS, do your parents still treat you like a child?