fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6434 ]

[ SECRET POST #6434 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6434 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 39 secrets from Secret Submission Post #920.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
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For me, the wedding/pre-wedding tradition that annoys me is when women who are otherwise acting like the pinnacle of "strong independent woman" keep whining that their boyfriends won't propose to them and insist on an overly expensive ring. Lady, if you're such a strong independent woman, YOU can propose as well! Nobody is stopping you!
Also, how I get the feeling with quite a lot of weddings that they're basically just an unnecessarily expensive party celebrating the bride, and ONLY the bride. The husbands are just the necessary evil they need to get their huge, lavish princess party. And god forbid the husband has any of his own wishes for the wedding, it might destroy the instagrammableness.

And on the other hand you have husband who seem like they couldn't care less if there is a wedding or not and who, despite getting asked for input, dump all the work and planning on their bride to be.

Another thing I find weird is the people who insist on childfree weddings - which in itself is perfectly fine - throw a tantrum when someone with small children chooses not to attend. Same as with destination weddings, you have all the right in the world to do it. But your guest also have the right to decline the invitation if it isn't an option for them.

The whole Big Princess Wedding weirds me out too, but it's so pervasive. It's not uncommon for women to refer to how they've dreamed about their wedding day since they were a little girl. Seriously? Who you're marrying doesn't matter, nothing else about it matters besides a big white dress and feeling like a princess for a day? I mean, okay if that's what you want. But I feel like if society had more fulfilling roles for women and/or if the women in question had more fulfilling lives, they wouldn't be so focused on this fantasy.

And it's always so money-focused, too. Insisting that the cost of a wedding gift must be the cost per person of the catering/wedding, etc. That's bullshit. If you want to throw an expensive party, that's YOUR call. It's not your guests' responsibility to pay for it.

What I hate most is when people say "it's supposed to be the best/most beautiful/most important day of my life" and... what, are you just expecting shit to rapidly go downhill from there? I know what they mean but damn, take it literally and it gets pretty depressing.

For the móney, I live in a country with a big minority of middle eastern people and have seen a lot of their weddings and it's basically an "invite everyone you even remotely know and all their relatives" because it's expected that everyone who is invited will give substantial cash gifts. Which in turn pays for the party and then some. And I feel this mentality/tradition is kind of similar to the whole "gift price must equal attendance cost" thing, and they BOTH weird me out.

I think the "best day of your life" people are, unfortunately, not people who've really thought this through. They just heard it (probably from someone trying to sell wedding-related stuff) and like most people, lack the critical thinking skills to question it at all. Very similar to the "high school are the best years of your life" folks. Like seriously? That's even more depressing.

I think it's partly an unconscious belief/fear that you'll peak in high school, or that your actual relationship with your partner is going to be far less romantic, happy, etc. so you'd better get in that one day of partying.

nayrt

That's just so sad to me. I'm not married but if I were ever interested in doing so, I'd probably do the City Hall thing. Then in like 20 or 30 or so years, if we were still married, that'd be something to celebrate with bells and whistles. Maybe not 29K worth, but something meaningful.

Oh god, you remind me of a discussion I had with a bunch of (female) friends. They all had at least one child and the topic came up if they would want to get another one. Everyone said no, citing how much being pregnant sucked. Except one friend whose reasoning was "I loved being pregnant, everyone was taking care of me and I liked the attention [husband] paid me" and I'm like, FRIEND. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A DISCUSSION YOU SHOULD HAVE WITH YOUR HUSBAND. But it has zero to do with getting more kids.

It seems to me that many of the big princess weddings are fuelled by the same sentiment, tbh. But instead of bringing child into it at least it's only burning an unnecessary amount of cash.

Oof, yeah. That would make me a little uncomfortable, but it's not uncommon. Mainstream culture has a thing about motherhood and pregnant women, and for many women, that will be the most positive attention, status and care they've received their whole life up until that point. It's no wonder it makes such an impact, but that's sad.

It reminds me of women whose entire identities revolve around being a mother, so when their kids grow up and leave the nest they go a little nuts trying to claw them back.* They feel like they don't have anything else, they don't have any other life than being a mom and when that takes the back burner because your kids don't require hands-on parenting anymore, it's identity crisis time.

* Also see: crazy mother in laws who are jealous of the women their sons marry, possessive over stuff like who hosts holiday dinners, who's the better cook, grandbabies, etc.

nayrt

* Also see: crazy mother in laws who are jealous of the women their sons marry, possessive over stuff like who hosts holiday dinners, who's the better cook, grandbabies, etc.

oh god, there are stories in the JUSTNOMIL subreddit that I will never scrub from my brain.

nayrt but I was thinking of that subreddit! My own MIL woes aren't nearly as dramatic or extreme, but... I see this pattern. My MIL wasn't a particularly nurturing mother, she spent most of my partner's childhood more interested in dating than looking after her kid. She is and was a terrible cook. She only wanted to spend time with her child if she didn't have anything more interesting to do or a man to chase. But if you asked her, she was sooooo into being a mother and she loved her little boy oh so much! I think she'd be one of those Facebook "boy mom!" types if that had been a thing back then.

So when I started dating him, the little offhand comments started up. Oh gosh, he spends so much time with me and not her, isn't that funny? Oh, your cooking is so good, here let me try to compete by making a Mom of the Year type meal and then getting upset when people eat it more out of out of politeness than enjoyment.

We're not having kids, she doesn't have the skills to host any holiday dinners and I don't put up with her bullshit and neither does my partner. She FAFOed a few years ago by throwing a tantrum about how I was late wishing her happy birthday and now she doesn't get even a text from me, including updates on her baby boy - who of course, doesn't bother to keep in touch with her at all.

oh god, there are stories in the JUSTNOMIL subreddit that I will never scrub from my brain.

Just keep in mind that half of those stories are made up, and that at least one of the mods is herself a raging narcissist. She's the main reason abusive mothers are not allowed to be questioned on r/breakingmom.

Which mod are you referring to? I was glad when madpiratebippy was no longer a mod, quite frankly. I thought that if her stories weren't embellished, then she seemed a little too keen for all the attention she got for them. When you get to the point where you're planning to write a book of MIL tales for your drama-starved audience on reddit, your life has gone sadly awry, IMO.

I also noticed her breaking rules on that subreddit, reported it, and her comments were never deleted like they would've been if a non-mod or less popular user had made them. The moderation on that sub is a hot mess.

Well, wouldn't you know, I looked at the subs, because I couldn't recall her exact name off the top of my head, I just knew it started with "diet;" and she doesn't appear to be a mod on either of them anymore. So, unless she's still modding under another name, perhaps she's gone.

I remember that username, but that's about it. That subreddit has had a lot of turnover re: moderators over the past few years.

SA as above:

I remembered! It was dietotaku! And it looks like that account is no longer active on reddit.

I'm still suspicious of the sub, but I'm glad that she's no longer around.

But I feel like if society had more fulfilling roles for women and/or if the women in question had more fulfilling lives, they wouldn't be so focused on this fantasy.

Well, that's just the thing, isn't it? Modern society does have fulfilling roles for women, in the sense that we are fully able to chart the course we want, and to find purpose and meaning in that course.

These are women who find purpose and meaning not when they have a fulfilling role, but when they've captured all of the available attention.

This is likely why people who overspend on their weddings are more likely to divorce than those who go frugal.

"Modern society does have fulfilling roles for women, in the sense that we are fully able to chart the course we want, and to find purpose and meaning in that course."

That's a wishful simplification, and isn't true for all countries and cultures. Sexism and misogyny are still very much a thing, and no, not every person (male or female) is able to fully chart their own course the way you describe.

But I agree that there are people out there who thrive on attention.

No, it isn't true for all countries and cultures, but it is true where people are having the types of weddings in discussion.

Lady, if you're such a strong independent woman, YOU can propose as well! Nobody is stopping you!

I admit I proposed to my husband to avoid getting an engagement ring. That reminds me of a secret I should submit, actually....

I didn't propose to avoid getting an engagement ring; he still wanted to buy one. I did insist, however, that it not be expensive! IIRC, it was less than $200.

AYRT

See, if my husband wanted to buy one, I would have insisted that he not. Along with my personal values not aligning with many practices in the diamond business, I work with my hands a fair amount. A diamond ring (or really any ring with a big stone) would make that more challenging. I'd end up not wearing it a lot, so it seems pointless for him to have bought me something that's essentially a display piece. Plus, even $200 could go to something like travel.

Are you currently using a device with a lithium-ion battery in it? If so, you're actively supporting practices as bad, if not worse, than those in the diamond industry.

Your values don't mean shit. Like most people, you only live them when it's convenient to you.

AYRT

Eh, the value that bothers me the most is the artificial price inflation perpetuated by the de Beers company. Plus, diamonds are more common than the minerals used in lithium-ion batteries.

Oh, cool, so you're fine with child slaves dying to make your cell phone, as long as the price isn't "artificially inflated." I'm fact, with that comment about how cobalt is more rare than diamonds taken into consideration, it would even seem that you think slave labor makes perfect sense! What a fantastic human being you are.

But at least you're Not Like Other Girls and didn't want a ring. Pat yourself on the back for that one, you big ol' feminist, you.

... aren't you also using a phone?

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