fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6444 ]

[ SECRET POST #6444 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6444 ⌋

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My dad has an annoying habit of quizzing me about totally mundane things I do around the house, and then arguing or nitpicking my answer. Like this:

Me: [gathering up the household trash because tomorrow is garbage day]
Dad: Why are you bringing the office trash can to the kitchen?
Me: Because tomorrow's garbage day.
Dad: Oh. But why are you taking the big office trash can and collecting from the smaller trashcans and then bringing it to the kitchen?
Me: Because it's easier that way. [thinking, "Duh?"]
Dad: Wouldn't it be easier to take the kitchen trash can and go around the house collecting trash instead?
Me: No.

I could explain to him that no, the kitchen trash is larger, heavier and full of smelly kitchen trash so of course I don't want to drag it around the house. Meanwhile, the smaller trash cans in the office, bathroom, living room, etc. are generally small, light and full of stuff like paper, tissues, etc. so I take the office trash can and collect from all the small ones, then carry the garbage to add to the kitchen trash before bagging everything up to take to the curb. But honestly? It pisses me off that he feels the need to interrogate me about stuff like this. The trash gets taken out, he never has to do it, so what does he care? Why can't he just leave me in peace and recognize that I'm doing a perfectly fine job without his supervision?

It's not just about the trash, he does this with a LOT of everyday household stuff. I dread his, "Why are you doing X like Y?" questions because it doesn't matter what I say or how I explain it, he always thinks that whatever I'm doing is WRONG and there's a better way to do it that he'll explain to me like I'm a dimwit. This is particularly maddening because he does very little in the way of household chores. He never has. I do most of it, he'd be living in filth if I didn't. But that doesn't stop him from sincerely believing that I'm not washing dishes in the best way, or that I'm not packaging leftovers properly, or whatever. He CANNOT wrap his head around the possibility that hey, your grown ass adult daughter has done [insert mundane, low level task here] exclusively for years, of course she's figured out how to do it in the best way FOR HER, so stop asking questions about it or acting like it's a huge problem you need to solve for her, ESPECIALLY when you've never done [insert mundane, low level task here] in your whole goddamn adult life.

He's not trying to be an asshole, but I'm so tired of him acting like he's the expert on everything and I don't know shit.

I have had to deal with something similar, I think. My strategy is generally to say that "this is the way that's easier for me to do it".

I don't think that convinces him, but it makes me feel like it's an acceptable point at which to end the conversation.

Oh, I do say something similar. He just sees as the opening of some kind of debate where he wants to argue that no, another way is easier! (Followed be a tedious explanation of his method, which doesn't call for such a lengthy explanation in the first place because I'm not an idiot.)

Never mind that I am, of course, the best judge of what's easiest FOR ME to do, not him. And his suggestions are almost never easier or better than what I'm already doing - he just doesn't see it that way because in his mind, he's always right and I'm always wrong. And yet he'd disagree if I said he's simply being knee-jerk argumentative for the hell of it. It's ridiculous.

This poost reminded me I was supposed to put the trash out.

Super personal question but is it because you aren’t doing things the way your mother or another woman who lived there did them?

My mother is no longer with us, and we were/are very different in our approach to housekeeping. She was also very inflexible about how her method was the best method and everyone else was wrong, however. But I don't recall my dad ever following her around and criticizing how she did things because there probably would've been hell to pay. He's never had to do a significant amount of housekeeping chores because we did it all, which is why it's galling that all of a sudden he has an opinion about it and dares to nitpick my methods when he's never lifted a finger before. He's also kind of a slob, so... yeah, insult to injury.

AYRT
My suspicion and the reason I asked is because I think you’re doing “wrong” not because that’s how he would do but because that’s how your mom did it. And if that’s the case, I’m sorry but usually nothing ever changes. You’re usually competing with an imaginary ghost who has lost all flaws and the mundane promoted to perfection.

Next time he starts, counter by asking if he's offering to help. Then just keep asking if he's offering to help every time he nitpicks, even if it's multiple times in a row.

"Why are you doing it that way?"
"It's how it's easy for me! Do you want to help?"
"I just think it'd be smarter if you did something else."
"Oh. Are you offering to help?"
"I'm giving you advice."
"Are you offering to help do it though?"

Force him to outright say "no, I am not offering to help" so you can say "okay, then I'm doing it the way that's comfortable for me. Let me know if you want to help and we can try it your way together."

He probably won't keep asking.

Hah, that's a good idea. I'll try that, though I'd bet good money that he thinks that hovering over me and criticizing me IS helping. I'm going to straight up demand that he either do it himself or step aside and stop commenting.

NAYRT

This is great advice! Will have to keep it in mind.

Yeah, arguing with people like that is useless. Some people are just contrarian, they'll argue against anything as a knee-jerk reaction. I should know, I'm one of them.

If you can stomach it, I'd try "You probably have an easier way to do it! This is what I found works best for me" said with a smile and a sunny disposition. Might put him on the back foot if you acknowledge right out of the gate that he has a better way (and it doesn't fucking matter because your way works best for you).

Or you could try to put the onus of explaining himself on him: "Why is taking the kitchen trash can around the house better?" / "Isn't it nasty to carry the smelly kitchen trash around the whole house?". Asked with mild curiosity as if you're taking him seriously until he comes to the conclusion that your way is better himself.

My favourite tactic by now is to see the whole thing as a comedy routine (my dad is similar). It's allowed me to view the while thing with humour, though I'll readily admit that that only worked after I had a sort of reset on my outlook of life overall. Before that, when I'd reached full BEC levels, that wouldn't have worked for me.

Yeah, I'd need quite a hard reset before I could approach it with that level of good humor. My problem is that if I feel my way is the best (for me, I should add, I don't go so far as to claim it's the best way, period) then I'd rather eat my own damn shoe than say that someone else's way is better. Because it's not true. I'd especially choke on such a white lie to a man, because I'm frankly rather sick of being condescended to by the men in my life. I'm also really sick of humoring the men in my life to spare their feelings or manage their jerkwad ways like they're spoiled children as opposed to adults.

Basically, I'm tired of being the bigger person, always.

Damn, that's really annoying.

I've been on both ends of such a conversation. In more recent years, I've been way more on the receiving annoying non-asked-for advice.

IME the person asking questions/seeing different ways to do things, may not even be aware they are being nosy, critical and toe-stepping. And even if they do know, they're not stopping and completely disregarding your POV and that you are your own person.

I think a lot of the advice others upthread have given are great. I'd also like to add, with the people in my life who criticize the things I do (even the small shit like how I breathe or choose to put on my socks), I have to remind myself that they likely are looking for an outlet to feel superior to someone else (even if they aren't conscious of it).

I have to remember to pick my battles when they're worth it.
Explaining why I do things the way I like or how my thought process goes.. is a waste of breath 98% of the time.
No matter how well thoughtout my explaination is, they will always find something to point out that they would have done different/better. Or come back with some snarky comment.

I find more peace telling the inquisitor "this is the way I like to do it" or if I'm feeling a little pissy "if I wanted your advice I would have asked". Or even a "I'm trying to get some work done" (but why are you doing it that way and not this way) "because this is how I do it" (but why not this or that or blah blah blah - look at me being so observant and smart watching you do shit while I judge your performance) *go silent as I finish my task and walk away*

There will always be challenges with people who nitpick and always have some observation/tip to make. It can be so fucking annoying, but as I've worked more on my people skills, I can get over my annoyances a little easier.

I think you're right. I don't think my dad realizes how nosy and critical he sounds when he does this, nor would he see it as an attempt to micro-manage someone else's life for whatever reason. He'd hate it if someone hovered over his shoulder nitpicking his decisions, of course, but when he does it he's "just trying to help" or "just making conversation". That's what's so maddening about it, his refusal to see that he's being incredibly annoying and a jerk about stuff that doesn't affect him in any way.

I get frustrated because I don't want to be rude or loud about this, but he literally will not listen to anything else. Diversionary tactics only go so far, because he's just so very determined to offer his .02 about pet care or the best route to get to the dentist and it's a real puzzle to him why I'm not more appreciative. I'm dealing with depression, and it's hard enough to get through these mundane tasks as it is. Summoning up the energy to politely discourage him from "helping" is a further emotional drain I don't need.

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[ SECRET POST #6444 ]

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