fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6509 ]

[ SECRET POST #6509 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6509 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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I want to print this out and staple it to the forehead of every man between the ages of 15 and 55.

I hate so much how he's unloaded all of his thinking onto you (how do I clothe/feed/clean myself? Who cares, wife will tell me) but won't listen to your thoughts.

Marriage counseling might help. Hearing from an "outsider" that he needs to shape up might light a fire under him. But you have to decide if you'd want to be with him even *after* this potential improvement occurs. It doesn't sound like you trust him, it doesn't sound like you feel loved or held or cared for.

I don't know your situation, but I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you can internalize that this isn't your failure, it's his.

Leaving isn't impossible. My aunt, whom I love very much, had a whole extra marriage that I didn't know about because it was so bad (and I was 4. To be clear I knew she had two because of my cousins, I didn't know about the third) and she left within a year. She told us how she had this nightmare about wading through shit up to her knees, then waist, then neck, but she knew she had to get through it. Another story she told was about going to counseling during the divorce and doing a "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" drawing exercise and she drew herself as a stick figure sitting on her porch drinking tea. And you better believe she has a porch and chairs and tea now.

Again, I don't know you or your situation I just really hope, one human being to another, that you are able to wade through this shit and reach the otherside where a nice glass of iced tea is waiting.

It's been incredibly heartwarming to hear from other people who get it, rather than people who tell me that I'm being too hard on my poor husband by expecting him to have basic adulting skills and take responsibility for his actions. I'm also really encouraged because I think more a lot more women are aware of issues like this now. More women are on their guard and value their peace and themselves, so hopefully they won't end up in a sunk cost fallacy marriage.

I love that your aunt got out, and that she has her porch to sit on and iced tea to sip. I want that for all women who are in similar situations: peace, freedom and your own space to be happy.

And health, too. Don't underestimate health. I lost mine in the course of decades of walking on eggshells, of being less than. I've never got it back.

But you are the architect of your future, anon. No-one else. You have to decide what you want for your future.

This is true. I know my health is worse now that it was years ago, both physical and mental. Dealing with him is draining. I've only recently began clawing back some time and space for myself, but that, too, is a struggle. My husband went through a very long period (years) where he was in a bad place and wanted me to be at his beck and call to make him feel better. He didn't like when I wanted to go off and do anything without him and would get super needy and invent reasons to interrupt me and demand my presence, such as acting like he can't find things, can't feed himself the lunch that's already packed for him, stuff like that. He refused to do anything without me, either. I encouraged him to do things that he enjoyed, on his own, that would've helped with his mental and physical health. If I didn't have the time or energy (because I was doing all the housework with no help) to accompany him, then he refused to go and would just hover around me while I cooked, cleaned, whatever. Like sometimes I'd be moving laundry from the washer to the dryer and BAM I'd run right into him because he's squeezed behind me in our small laundry room, doing nothing but hovering. I'd ask him to move, or better yet, to leave the room because it's not big enough for two people and laundry baskets and he'd get all hurt because I was rejecting him and he just wanted to be close to me because he loooooooooved me sooooooooo much...

It was awful, like dealing with a 6 ft clingy toddler. I spent all my time trying to make him feel loved and not-rejected, but nothing was ever good enough. I will not do that again. We had numerous fights over this over the years, and he now admits that was wrong of him (to demand all my time and attention and guilt trip me when I didn't want to be his human security blanket) but honestly? He has a hard time grasping that he's not entitled to me and my time 24/7 simply because he feels lonely or sad. His sad feelings mean I should drop everything and cater to him until he feels not-sad.

But he never does that for my sad, hurt feelings.

As someone who isn't a fan of generalizations... you are definitely NOT being too hard on your husband. As mentioned further upthread, marriage is an equal partnership. I don't understand people who just jump into these things and then use it as a way to regress as an adult. And I don't understand why he's shutting down conversation about it; communication is also part of being an adult and part of being in a relationship.

He had a rough childhood and tends to shy away from things that make him feel bad/uncomfortable. This mostly involves his own behavior and actions. If he does something crappy, he will (at best) mutter an apology but not really make any effort to keep from repeating the same crappy behavior.

If I call him out on this behavior and note that it's a recurring pattern he's not taking responsibility for or fixing, then that makes him feel guilty and defensive so he'll lash out or deny it (until he can't anymore) but the gist of it is, because my pointing out his error made him feel bad, I'm automatically the bad person here. His feelings > my feelings. So he'll make it all about himself and how hurt he is (that I pointed out he did something shitty) and how I should've said it differently, or waited until he wasn't tired after work, or gently instructed him on what he should've done instead, or or or... The whole point is to deflect attention from his actions that were thoughtless or hurtful, because it upsets him to think of himself as making mistakes or being the bad guy.

I had a rough childhood. I'm never likely to heal from that. I don't treat other people, especially not people I profess to love, the way he treats you.

Have you looked up DARVO, the acronym? If you read r/amit you may have come across it. It's a common tactic with emotional abusers.

Sending you all the good wishes - and don't forget, there's a kid in this mix too, who is picking up what relationships look like.

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[ SECRET POST #6509 ]

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