fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6918 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6918 ⌋

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[Marvel Rivals/X-Men 97]

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This is weighing on my mind but I'll try and keep it relatively brief; have/had a friend I used to work with, was very close with, spent a lot of time with. She was probably the best friend I've had in years. She suddenly became distant around the time my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, became very sporadic with replying to messages and was basically nowhere to be found when he passed. We arranged to meet for drinks on Father's day (3 months after he died, first Father's Day without him so I was a bit sore), she didn't show up, didn't message and didn't explain/acknowledge it at all until 3 days later.

2 months later, after no contact, she has a family emergency and asks me to watch her kids on short notice, which I do for the whole day. Have heard basically nothing from her since. I still message her on her birthday and at Christmas to say I miss her and hope she's okay. Sometimes I get a reply, sometimes I get left on read.

Am I being an idiot here? I want to ask if I fucked up somewhere, but I don't want to bother her either. I just don't get where I went wrong. I miss her.

You didn't fuck up. As a cancer survivor, people often distance themselves from people with (or the family of people with) cancer. Watching her kids for the day was really good of you, considering, but I think it's pretty clear now that she doesn't care about you except for what you can do for her.

Thank you. I've tried to justify it in a bunch of ways and her birthday is coming up, so I've been mulling over messaging her, and it suddenly occurred to me that I've gotten her birthday/Christmas presents every year, and never actually gotten any from her. I think I'm just a doormat.

fucking good on you for beating cancer though. Fuck cancer. May you have many many more happy years and all the good things. <3

I don't think it's you. Some people are just really, really terrible at being supportive, sympathetic friends in the face of a crisis like a parent dying of cancer. They "don't know what to say" or feel awkward and sad and honestly, instead of taking a deep breath and getting the fuck over it to at least express sympathy, they ghost the person who's going through the crisis. Then they feel conflicted and guilty, but instead of facing it and apologizing, it often leads to them ghosting you more. It's an awful thing, but common.

But coming back to ask you for a favor is icing on the cake, your "friend" is kind of crap. At the very least, she should feel too ashamed to ask you for support when she can't even be bothered to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and "How are you doing?" or answer your texts.

Yeah, I can see how it can be a big thing for people to deal with. In the sporadic contact we had she did say "oh yeah I'm so bad at keeping up with my Facebook messages, that's why I didn't reply" but that had.. never ever been an issue before? She used to reply within seconds? And she lives on Facebook, all day long, so how can she miss them?

I really don't have a lot of friends, so it fucking sucks having to actually cop to losing one. I'm tired and we're in our thirties, we're too old to be ghosting ffs. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry, anon. Some people are just cowards, plain and simple. I've lost a parent myself, and it's a mixed bag. Some people I hadn't spoken to in years showed up to express sympathy and ask if I needed to talk, or if my family needed anything. And some friends heard the news, but pretended like they hadn't. I expected it, but it was still grim to see that happen in real time. People who leave you high and dry in your time of need aren't real friends, and it changed how I feel about them forever. (Though none of them had the BALLS to come back and ask me for a big, important favor before ghosting me again, that's some fucking nerve right there.)

If you miss her and value her friendship, I'd come straight out and ask her but honestly? Don't expect a whole lot. She's already shown a tendency to lie and make excuses for herself. If she has an ounce of decency, she's probably feeling ashamed of her behavior... ane yet not motivated to do the right thing, which isn't that hard. Expressing sympathy and sending condolences isn't hard. Meeting a friend for coffee isn't hard. People are just cowards.

You're absolutely right on the mixed bag thing. Some people reappear and become mainstays in your life, and other people just vanish. The Father's Day thing I never quite got over, because she was literally having dinnner a one minute walk away from where we arranged to meet and it would've taken two seconds to say sorry I can't make it, but she just didn't show and I waited for her like an absolute melon for a couple hours surrounded by families coming out for Fathers' Day.

I've just deleted my Facebook, so I guess this could be an opening to say I'll be on Whatsapp/etc if you do want to talk to me, but the fact she hasn't messaged me all year makes me think I'll just stop. I'm just sad. I'm really fucking sad.

Thank you for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

This should have been in the comment, but I'm sorry for your loss as well, anon. Losing a parent is something else. I really hope you had/have some good people to steady you through it. x

Thank you. I was very fortunate to have people who supported me through that loss, but I know that's not always the case. There are several people here on FS who have lost a parent, so you're not alone.

As for the Father's Day meeting, I would personally find that difficult to forgive. The significance of how much seeing your friend would've meant to you, combined with the low effort on her part. I'd lie awake at night if I'd ever let a friend down that way. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope you find friends who can be there for you in the way that you deserve.

Yeah, like I am sadly probably sort of a friend who can do it. I absolutely tend to ghost.
But asking for a favour with children after?! This is some next level of crappy.

[ SECRET POST #6918 ]

Advice on distancing from friends

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SA

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