fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #7014 ]

[ SECRET POST #7014 ]

⌈ Secret Post #7014 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

All secrets have spoiler/content warnings today!

01. [SPOILERS for Big Mouth (kdrama)]

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02. [SPOILERS for Call the Midwife, series 15 finale]

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03. [SPOILERS for Call the Midwife]

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04. [WARNING for discussion of pedophilia]

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05. [WARNING for discussion of ableism]

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06. [WARNING for discussion of JKR/transphobia]

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07. [WARNING for discussion of transphobia, racism]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #1001.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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This post got to me, man.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AgingParents/comments/1rsze6p/68_year_old_dad_getting_wildly_offended_when/

My father can be the same way. You cannot tell the man anything, he's convinced that he knows everything and is always smarter than you even when he's clueless. Refusing his "expertise" makes him mad. Asserting that you know what you're talking about makes him mad. He doesn't want to listen to reason or other peoples' ideas, he just throws up his hands and complains about how awful you are and he's done with you blah blah blah. (Spoilers: he's not done, and he'll totally be back complaining and criticizing everything you do.)

The advice people have for dealing with aging parents can be useful, but also sad and frustrating. Gently tricking them into believing that your idea is his own, pampering his fragile ego and sacred feelings while he stomps all over yours. It's... a strategy. But holy shit it's terrible.

"The mental gymnastics some people go through to not bruise the egos of elderly men with toxic masculinity is astounding to me."

Yes. I think this is why it upsets me. Women have to do this for men all the time - not just old men, not just older parents who are deteriorating, but men in general. And now they need to do it for their own fathers because their fathers have gone hyperdrive into assholery.

Oh gosh, yes, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes there is a complete lack of openness to discussion, it's just straight out my-way-or-the-highway, and any disagreement - no matter how much you sugarcoat it - is interpreted as rejection or putting them down. You are SO RIGHT that SO MANY men just expect this, and it does seem to get worse for many as they age. It's so frustrating. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.

I'm older, and I have a lot of experience being suuuuuper diplomatic and gentle when it comes to talking to men. It's second nature, tbh, and I didn't think twice about it until recently and I realized just how tiring it is to have to do this stupid song and dance just so a man will pay attention. Meanwhile they just get to state their opinions and be listened to ASAP just because they're men. No sugarcoating, or gently massaging an idea into someone else's brain so subtly that they don't get angry that you have an opinion of your own. No mental gymnastics to make your "no" not sound acceptable to someone.

It's gotten so much worse as my dad gets older. Before, he'd be really stubborn about it, but if you insist that he listen to your reasoning, he might grudgingly accept it. Now? Nooooooooo you're just wrong and how dare you offend him like this by not immediately agreeing to whatever he says.

My elderly father is going to die alone in a rotting house and the assholes he has living with him are going to steal anything not bolted down before calling an ambulance. And this is with four daughters who have spent so much money and energy to help him AND offered to move him in with them. Took us two years to get him to wear hearing aids and we had to buy some OTC ones because he won't work with us to get him to a doctor.

My sympathies, that sounds emotionally exhausting. I read a lot of stories like that on r/AgingParents, and I'm seeing some of that myself. My father is already getting really stubborn and in denial about his health problems. It's not a question of money with him, he just doesn't want to be bothered getting hearing aids when instead he can blame us for not talking loud enough or telling him things when we did. His memory is also going. He knows he has issues, but in the moment, it still seems reasonable to him that IT'S THE CHILDREN WHO ARE WRONG.

It is. He was the same way with hearing aids.

It's honestly crazy how common the anti-hearing aids sentiment is a among aging parents. I sure hope I'm not this idiotic and stubborn when I'm old. :-/

Yes! I agree! I've noticed this too and really don't understand it. If I lose my hearing, I will 100% get hearing aids as soon as I can. I don't know if it's more of a generational thing or what, but my great grandmother was incredibly deaf and finally had her arm twisted into getting hearing aids, then she refused to wear them. And I know that's actually really common amongst older folks, and I simply do not understand it at all. Why wouldn't I want to restore one of my senses? Like wearing glasses. I would rather not have to, but I'm not going to sit here in a blurry world when there's a way to see clearly.

My mom isn't as bad but she refuses to get health issues checked out. She has some kind of toe fungus. Easily fixed with meds but she refuses to ask the doctor about it! She absolutely has sleep apnea but again, not going to address it with her doctor. I hope I'm never like that.

I work with elderly people, and many of them are not like that! It's not inevitable! But there's so much fear and panic about losing control as they age, and some of them just totally give in to it.

You four are amazing for trying to help him! Some people just can’t be helped and it sucks when they’re people we care about. I’m sorry </3

Thanks. It does suck because I literally have a garage apartment he could live in but he says, "Oklahoma is boring." YOU ARE LIVING IN A HOUSE THAT IS ROTTING AROUND YOU.

I bet it's more about losing his independence (such as it is) than it is about how boring Oklahoma is. My dad is the same way about assisted living. Good to know that he'd rather die by tripping and falling and a stack of magazines he won't give up collapsing on top of him so that one of his kids will find his body. That's way better than assisted living!

He doesn't even do much! Just hangs around his house. But wants to stay there and die I guess. I've checked out a bit because he just won't listen to anyone.

I think that's all you can do, really. A lot of older people are determined to avoid scary change, and there's a hard limit to how much you can do without their cooperation. One of the saddest things I read in the r/AgingParents forum are people whose parents are like that - refusing to leave a house that was falling apart around them and becoming a serious hazard, won't move, won't sell, won't let anyone fix it, won't fix it themselves.

The advice was, you have to wait for the Big Accident. It'll come, and you hope your parent survives it because it's only when they land themselves in the hospital/rehab that you can take control and clean their house against their will or force them to move. I think they're right, but that's depressing as fuck.

While I understand the psychology between trying to benignly manipulate someone to do the right thing without damaging their ego, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I recognize my own dad in posts like that. He doesn't like being questioned for any reason, which is a problem because his mental faculties aren't what they used to be and sometimes his ideas just don't make any damn sense, or they're straight up bad ideas that would result in a negative outcome for himself or other people. Gentle reasoning or trying to appeal to his better nature doesn't work. What he'd prefer that I do is nod and agree to everything he says, and then when it blows up in my face, I need to nod and agree that nobody could've seen THAT coming and there's no possible way anyone (especially my dad) could've predicted a terrible outcome, it was just bad luck you guys. Or he'd try to make it out like it was MY fault, somehow.

He'd rather have me mindlessly follow his bad advice and suffer the consequences, just to protect his own ego. He wasn't always like that, but he's like that now - a spiteful, selfish old man. I don't have unlimited energy and emotional resources to coddle an asshole who would happily throw his own kid under the bus. I'd do it for my dad who used to not have his head shoved up his own ass. But I won't do it for this jerkwad who yells at me because I have a mind of my own.

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[ SECRET POST #7014 ]

Aging parents.

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