fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #7028 ]

[ SECRET POST #7028 ]

⌈ Secret Post #7028 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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04. [WARNING for discussion of rape/sexual assault]

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05. [WARNING for discussion of child sexual abuse]

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06. [WARNING for discussion of assault, ableism]

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I wasted over a decade of my life on a relationship that was extremely unsatisfying and left me miserable. At this point, I feel like I never ever want anything to do with this ever again. It's been awhile now and I still feel this very intensely. It's kind of sad, because I used to consider myself to be pretty romantic, but I just want to be left alone. I don't want romance, I don't want sex, I just want to be left totally and completely alone. I just wonder if I'll ever get past this? Honestly, I'm kind of ok with NOT ever losing this feeling and just being single for the rest of my life. It feels like it's not worth it and it's too hard to find someone who you're compatible with and who treats you well and who meshes with your life, etc.

And just being FREE is so delicious I can't even express it.

How long is a while?

I don't think I could be in a relationship where I didn't feel as free as I want to be. It is possible to have both though, especially if that's what the other person wants, too. My parents who have been married for like 40+ years have always basically done their own thing and are housemates that meet once or twice a day to chat over food

I know it’s not the same thing, but I’ve heard very similar things from some friendly acquaintances whose spouses have died. (After they’ve moved through most of the grief.)

Those weren’t even bad relationships, they just involved a lot of compromise and sacrifice and constraints. I see them feeling this sense of freedom for the first time in decades and I think they don’t want to give it up. One especially seemed to do half-hearted dating because that’s what widows her age are supposed to do, but it’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that she isn’t actually interested.

As an aromatic confirmed bachelor, I empathize with the feeling, but that’s been my normal for a long time.

aromantic, damn it

Ok but that is a hilarious misspell

I've heard similar things as well. It's usually from older women who love their husbands and all, but they've spent so much of their adult lives being a wife and mother that it nearly consumed them. They've never had a chance to be an adult who is free, who sees to their own needs first without having to hold back or do without or settle for less just so their kids/husbands could benefit. It might be their first chance to regularly sleep in, choose their own daily schedule, eat what they want, pursue a hobby, meet with friends, etc. all on their own. I don't blame them for not wanting to get back on the relationship carousel.

I'm not out of one yet, but I know the feeling. I was never that much of a romantic, but I did want that married to your best friend situation. I thought I had it, but I was wrong. Some men like to try very hard and put their best foot forward, and then after you commit, they think it's time to relax and stop trying so hard. I cut him way too much slack because I loved him and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to be a patient, supportive partner and give him time to figure his stuff out. He did not use that time for anything productive, and just got whiny and defensive when I decided I was done waiting for him to grow up.

So after this? No more. I'm not interested in dating anyone, not even casually, not even for sex. I don't want to rule it out completely but tbh, I don't think it's worth my time and effort to dig through the landfill for a good man. I don't have the energy to screen and vet all the sexual predators, incels/redpillers, secret MAGAheads, repugnant manosphere dudebros, tradwife hunters, manchildren who don't know how to take care of themselves and need a woman to do their cooking/cleaning and sexytimes, and THEN try to find someone whose interests and life goals match well with mine. It's too much, and I'm tired. I will enjoy being alone and free and to have my space (no matter how humble or small) that is MINE and not to be violated or dirtied by some idiot who doesn't respect that.

I could have written this comment, right down to the fact that I'm still in a relationship and am unhappy, just haven't left it yet. I feel the EXACT SAME WAY that I'm not, like, 100% opposed to the idea, but I'm just TIRED and don't have the energy or inclination to try to find someone I'm compatible with, and I feel like I never will.

I don't rule it out completely because I lurk on r/TwoXChromosomes and a surprising number of women report the same thing - that once they break up or get divorced, the exhaustion and depression they thought they had experienced a drastic decrease. They underestimated just how physically and mentally draining it was to navigate a bad relationship with a bad partner, and how awful it was making them feel every day, sort of a frog in boiling water situation. Once the bad partner was gone, so was a lot of their problems. In addition to that, the number of divorced women who marvel at how much easier it was to clean their house and keep it clean after their husbands left is both enlightening and depressing.

But for myself, once I'm free, I'm not eager to dive back in. I know that my partner looked like one of the Good Ones initially, he acted the part, he was on his best behavior. When he began his downhill slide, I worked my ass off trying to prop him up and give him grace while he struggled to do basic, everyday things that he expected me to do for him. I spent years putting in the effort, while he just enjoyed his free ride. I won't do that again for anyone.

Enjoying being single is great, there's no time frame on when you "should" move on from that. Plenty of people have happy lives as singles or choosing to pursue only casual relationships. It really depends on what you want and whether you feel like it's something to work past or just something neutral/good.

That said, I did move on from a long term relationship that didn't work out and got into another serious relationship, for me it was pretty quick that I felt ready to try dating again and it just turned out that me and my partner were a good match, who took things in a more serious direction after a year or two and are still together today. I feel respected by my partner and like they are someone who is interested in growing with me, we have both changed for the better over the years and supported each other to pursue our individual goals, there is a lot of compromise. I wasn't looking for that when I found it, I was in a similar mood as you for a bit, but I'm happy we found each other.

So I guess my advice would be to enjoy being single, don't put a time limit on it, but be open minded to new possibilities if you find yourself wanting to try dating again, you never know. It's perfectly okay to stay single. It sounds like you are really loving the freedom from your last relationship and after ten years it's good to take time to get to know yourself again and put yourself first, and really think through what you would want from a relationship to be satisfied if you decided to have one again.

I'm in a different boat. My only relationship was short-lived, but we were friends longer. My closest friend during my adult life, even. The relationship ruined the friendship and now I'm reeling how my ex partner was toxic and an unreliable narrator. It's horrifying. Nearly everyone I've known in the last 7 years also knows my ex and regards them well, so I don't have anyone to turn to.

I wish this put me off relationships, but it makes me crave it more. I wish I knew what a healthy "friends to lovers" relationship was like. I get so bitterly jealous seeing healthy relationships. But I'm struggling to rebuild myself after losing my support circle and I'm too socially awkward to make new friends. I don't think I want to try again because I have too much trauma to love someone, but I still feel like something is missing.

Been there, done that, not doing it again. No male is going to get his hands on my settlement money, for a start, but that's not even the biggest reason. I am just so done with their bullshit.

I hope the anons in this subthread who are in shitty relationships manage to get out soon.

it took a long time (several years) for me to deal with ending an abusive relationship but I was so glad I took that chance and got together with someone very different and MUCH better.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #7028 ]

If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try again?

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai

Re: If you've ever had and left a shitty relationship, did you ever get over it and want to try agai