fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1680 ]

[ SECRET POST #1680 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1680 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 102 secrets from Secret Submission Post #240.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - hit/ship/spiration ], [ 0 - omgiknowthem ], [ 0 - take it to comments ], [ 0 - repeats ]
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've been there, OP. It's not fun. But I ended up telling my fandom partner about my feelings, and even though we're not officially a couple, the emotional intimacy and honesty between the two of us is amazing. It took me a long, long time to come to grips with the fact that no, it wasn't going to happen on a physical level or even have such a handy label as BF/GF, but the relationship was too meaningful for me to just throw away because we valued different things in a romance.

It really depends on how the dynamic of the two of you works. If it ends up warping the two of you in unhealthy ways, then maybe you ought to distance yourself for both your sakes. Just keep in mind that your happy ending may not necessarily lie with that person, if so.

Thanks for this meaningful, thoughtful comment. I don't think what we have is unhealthy, altho it can be emotionally draining for me. I know I need to step back and get over it, tho part of me is still foolishly clinging too the hope. Every time I think I'm getting over her she does or says something that brings back all the longing & desire again. I know why she's not interested in me & I don't blame her for it because theyre things that neither of us can change [tho I'd be more than willing to try for her], and frankly, she deserves much better than me. It's just soulcrushingly depressing all the same. She's so tangible & perfect she makes everything/everyone else paltry & sour by comparison, but I still can't have her. It'd be different if I was in love with Angelina Jolie & know I could never have her or likely even meet her. Here, I'm so damn close & still denied. I really am afraid I'll never find someone so perfect for me again & I think that's may be part of why I keep holding out.

Oh lord, you really are me from three years ago. And you've got it bad.

just soulcrushingly depressing

After three months of denial, I went through a period of heartbreak and depression that was so bad that I hardly left my bed, let alone my room, for about a month. I nearly failed out of college. I cried all the time. Fortunately I had very tolerant friends who put up with me talking about my friend 24/7, and a therapist to help me sort through my feelings. I'd recommend seeking one out, just to help you figure out how to control your own feelings, or find an outlet for them that won't damage your friend. I lashed out at my fandom friend a few times during that month and for some time after, blaming her reluctance to enter a relationship she didn't want on cowardice, blowing up at her for little to no reason, before I got a proper hold of myself. I'm naturally extremely mild-tempered- previously to this point I had had no real anger to manage, and so had no experience in handling it. It's a testament to the strength of our friendship that we managed to work through it together. Again, a therapist or psychologist might be an extremely useful tool for you to have right now.

frankly, she deserves much better than me

Again, this depends. Now, I don't know you, but I tend to put myself down when I find things going wrong, and this sounds an awful lot like negative thinking about yourself to explain away why your friend may not be interested.

it can be emotionally draining for me

I also remember this. I don't have amazing advice when it comes to this, but it's very important that you find a way to emotionally recharge. RL friends, film, homework, music, concerts, bowling- What do you enjoy that isn't involved with your friend? The thing that got me out of bed, cleaned up my act and my grades, was stupidly happy punk and punk-pop music. I played that every moment I could, to every activity I could. I was tired of feeling sad and sick and helpless, and fought back my own feelings of depression with every scrap of energy I could- JK Rowling got it right with patronii vs. dementors. Not every depression, obviously, works like this, so again, I'd find a therapist or psychologist with some knowledge into the matter.

She's so tangible & perfect she makes everything/everyone else paltry & sour by comparison, but I still can't have her. It'd be different if I was in love with Angelina Jolie & know I could never have her or likely even meet her. Here, I'm so damn close & still denied.

Oh GOD do I remember this. Unfortunately, I was idealizing my friend, lusting after the IDEA of her instead of seeing her as her own person with faults and frailties and wants and needs. You need to consider what would make your friend happy, and if what makes her happy is you as a friend, you need to either accept that or break off the friendship. It took me another three months for me to come to that conclusion, and two years for me to feel fully comfortable in balancing my love for my friend with the role she needed from me. We kept pausing our discussions in fandom and our fanworks to talk through our feelings the entire time- communication is essential, otherwise you will end up resenting each other and getting passive aggressive and frustrated with one another. Again, this was a process that took two years, a lot of patience, and the establishment of some boundaries. I know what I cannot say/do around her that would make her uncomfortable, and she now knows what kind of behavior feels to me like leading me on. Believe it or not, we are often very happy together. We fight sometimes, but we make up and that's okay and absolutely normal.

I know why she's not interested in me & I don't blame her for it because theyre things that neither of us can change [tho I'd be more than willing to try for her

DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF. Working on increasing your maturity and confidence is always a good thing, but if you end up changing yourself in ways for the benefit of another person, you will only resent them when it doesn't work out.

I really am afraid I'll never find someone so perfect for me again & I think that's may be part of why I keep holding out.

Maybe focus a little less on the 'perfect for you' part and think of how the two of you fit together? All couples are about a fitting-together dynamic, not just one of them being perfect for the other. I've been in several physical/emotional relationships since falling in love with my fandom partner, and let me tell you, there ARE others out there. Just keep your eyes open for that sort of 'type' which works well with you.

Holy teal-deer, Batman.

Fortunately I'm able to get out of bed and I know how rediculous I'm being, tho that only helps so much. I'm not completely wrecked, though much more than I wish I was. I don't think I need a therapist, tho not like I could even afford one if I did. Still talking about it to someone is nice, especially someone who has gone thru this before. I don't suppose you'd be up for letting me talk to you some more? I have friends who have listened to me, but I find it hard to open up to friends for some reason... complete strangers tho? BRING IT. If not, that's toltaly okay too, and I appreciate just these teal deer comments. I would never change myself for her in ways that I wasnt comfortable with, but she makes me want to be a better person in weird ways that I'd never expect myself to want to be, so I mostly mean changing those ways...

anyway I can totally know why you wouldnt wnat to listen to me ramble on about some girl you dont know (& also you dont know me) but if you're up for it, I know I'd appreciate it... You could make up a fake email or whatever if you want.

I'm just glad I haven't frightened you off with MASSIVE WALL 'O TEXT.

I totally understand about the not being able to afford stuff- luckily my therapist at the time was supplied through the school and thus absolutely free. Since leaving school I've had a lot more trouble finding one that's within my financial reach.

I'd love to talk more and I really would like to hear more about your fandom friend, but I have to admit I'm getting rather sleepy and wouldn't be all that articulate if I pushed it tonight- if anything, my experiences have taught me that I will say stupid shit when tired. Would you mind if I posted a tinychat room to meet at tomorrow on this thread (early afternoon or late evening), when I'd be a better chat partner? (or maybe you have some other preference? I'd prefer staying anon if possible but if not c'est la vie.) I get you about the reluctance with opening up to friends- I also open up to strangers far more naturally. Bring on the anonymizing!

Hurrah for wanting to be a better person! My fandom partner is really like that for me as well, and I'm extremely grateful for it. <3

-your friendly neighbourhood anon.

I made an anon email address you could email if that's okay: mranonlj@gmail.com Granted that'd require you to use your email or make an anon one, too. If that doesn't work for you, let me know. I don't mind telling you who I am off FS, I just don't want someone/her to fine me here.

I really apprecaite this either way.

Sounds good to me! I'll email you when I wake up tomorrow, promise.

You're the OP of this secret; that alone means you're more than welcome to a modicum of dignified privacy. Me, I'm just paranoid. :)

Thank you. I'll try to remember to check it! I'm sure I will but if not just drop a note to this comment thread reminding me, cause I pinned it so I get notifications. Thanks so much. FAITH IN HUMANITY RESTORING.....

...OP, can I just. Hug you right now? I am going through almost the same thing and it's such a relief to hear I'm not alone in it. It's hard, loving someone and being afraid of destroying such a close bond at the same time.

I hope we both find our happy endings someday. c: Good luck.

This is a good comment!

Aw, thanks!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #1680 ]

just some advice from your friendly neighbourhood anon.

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