fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1925 ]

[ SECRET POST #1925 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1925 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 070 secrets from Secret Submission Post #275.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat (same text, different image) ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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21. http://i39.tinypic.com/uahao.jpg

Whatever works.

Yeah, I don't see a problem with this. Something (anything) was important enough for you to seek the help you needed. Good job, OP.

Funny, today is the day I finally decided to say fuck the system and admit I'll probably commit suicide within a year due to my own mental illness.

Honestly? Your reasons and path is much smarter and I'm glad someone is getting help they deserve and need. Who cares the motivation, you're doing something about your situation and that's awesome.

Don't die, please. ;_;

I know I don't know you but don"t die.

da

People have reasons to stay alive, and other people don't have reasons not to kill themselves. It happens.

Yeah, right. I don't know if you're trying to be edgy or cynical of what, but mental illnesses always have the potential to be cured, and that in itself is a reason not to kill oneself. The OP of this thread is not a character in some dismal French or Russian novel -- help is still available, help may even be plentiful, and chances are there is at least one person who will be badly harmed by the OP's suicide. The OP likely just hasn't been able to find the right path for recovery yet.

Don't listen to this creep, thread OP. If the OP of the secret can manage to get back into the mental health care system and work toward recovery, even for such a petty reason as becoming able to write fanfiction again, you can, too. And -- as invasive and presumptuous as this sounds -- I'm sure that you'll be doing someone else a good deed by staying alive, not just yourself. Please keep on trying.

We're all gonna die some day. Sounds like faux!concern to me. You cannot decide what the reasons for someone else's existence should be, or deem them neither worthy nor unworthy.

However, death is final and if you've had a rough life/time, sometimes there's all the more reason to seek some chances to balance it out. Don't make a decision hastily. Rushing into making up your mind only means you're desperate, not that you have figured out the right thing to do for yourself.

This. If the system can't or won't help, keep looking for something that does, Anon. To quote a favorite character: 'I don't care if it's love or spite or a ten-dollar bet.' Or a James Doohan who wants to see you at the next con or the next episode of your favorite TV show (*raises hand*) or the fanfic you haven't written yet or a picture or song or favorite food you want to enjoy again.

Please don't give up on the system either, for that matter; I know what a nightmare it can be, but sometimes it's the tenth or the hundredth time you try that it finally, finally works as it was meant to.

Not to take over the OPs secret thread or anything, but seriously, I'm not actively planning suicide at the moment, but I've been fighting this battle for thirty years and it has not gotten one iota of better. I went to the Drs today to try and get back on medication, and was rejected flat out. No doctor, no meds, no nothing. I don't qualify for my country's health care, can't afford to pay my own, there are no free clinics anywhere in my area, I've tried herbal and natural remedies, tried diet and exercise....I've got to finally admit defeat. There is absolutely nothing available to me, and quite honestly there's really nothing I'm contributing to the world. Some lives just aren't that important. The world will go on without me and be a fine place, I assure you.

Just to reiterate: not actively planning suicide. I just see it as the inevitable outcome to my life.

I am the OP of the secret, I don't mind outing myself in a situation like this. Anon, if you want to message me with where you live, I'd be more than happy to do some searching around and see if I can find any services that might be helpful for you. I know what it's like when you feel trapped by that feeling of hopelessness, and feel like you don't have the energy to care. Your situation actually sounds similar to mine. I had my first psychotic depressive episode when I was around 19, and I'm 39 now. It took me 20 years to get a proper diagnosis, and to finally find some decent help. Before that Doctors were either throwing the wrong sorts of pills at the problem, which only made things worse, or they were fobbing me off as some sort of attention seeking, neurotic woman. I learnt to hide my symptoms, and not talk about them, until recently. I had all but given up on the mental healthy system, or ever getting better too, but I'm glad now that I didn't. It's always worth giving something one more try, you never know what can happen.

Edited 2012-04-11 13:51 (UTC)

The best of luck to you. May you find plenty to motivate you, be it sunshine/flowers/happy kittens or hot slash fic; as the person above said, whatever works!

That sound absolutely unbearable. I hope something works for you, OP. And like others said, whatever gets you motivated to keep seeking treatment. I don't see writing fic as such a trivial thing either... one of the reasons I kept trying to find an affordable clinic even after failing to be accepted at so many is because I realized I can't draw anymore because of my depression, and that used to be one of the only things I enjoyed doing in life. I can tell that you enjoy writing fanfic, otherwise your inability to do so wouldn't have prompted you to keep trying to treat your illness. Good luck, OP.

Mmmm, Moonlight. That show was awesome. If only for Josef.

But, really, whatever made you want to get help. It's not up to anyone to judge you for what made you choose to get yourself better. If you feel like you need to do that, then, more power to you.

Well obviously you need help if you really think that?

My best friend has the same diagnosis as you, and from watching him deal with it I agree with the other commenters - even if you think it's silly, if it helps you, then it's worthwhile.

JASON DOHRING IS ALWAYS A GOOD REASON TO DO ANYTHING. I haven't even seen this show, I just love him from my VM days.

And who cares why you do the things you do, OP? People are weird as hell and care about weird things, and that's just how we go through life. At least your reason involves Jason Dohring.

Edited 2012-04-11 03:01 (UTC)

OP, I feel you. Mine was episodic, not chronic, and I had to do some serious medications and therapy over the course of two years before it relapsed. It took me realizing, after the car I tried to throw myself in front of swerved away, that if I killed myself now, I wouldn't get to play World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade, and I really wanted that Blood Elf Paladin.

It's been a few years, but I haven't had an episode since, and I still play with that character. He and I have had a lot of great times together, and I'm glad I made that choice.

I'm glad you're getting help for whatever reason. One of my best friends has... something. It sounds similar to yours but it doesn't really appear to inconvenience him. He just hallucinates and has been diagnosed with some form of depression. He doesn't do anything about it except smoke pot, which, well I'm glad it helps? But he was told that his hallucinations were all his imagination and nothing more and really, I just hope that kinda shit doesn't (or hasn't) happen to you. I guess I just need to comment because I hope he gets help too, no matter what the reason is.

OP of the secret here. Apologies in advance, this is going to be a tad long.

My exact diagnosis is 'Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features'. From what I understand/have been told by my Psychiatrist, it is notoriously hard to diagnose, because most, not all, but most patients retain insight, which means they're aware that their hallucinations and delusional type thoughts aren't real. You can have pseudo-hallucinations with depression and anxiety especially, sometimes. Pseudo-hallucinations would be things like seeing shadows or shapes out the corner of your eyes, thinking you've heard your name being called, that sort of thing. I get pseudo-hallucinations as well, and they are very different to actual hallucinations. When I'm having a proper visual hallucination, most of the time it looks as real as how anyone else would perceive something, like I've had hallucinations of cats, and actually reached out to pet them, just before I realised they weren't real. The hallucinations themselves (auditory and visual) I can tune out to a degree, so they're kind of annoying and scary at times, but unless they're particularly bad they don't really interfere too much with me being able to do stuff like writing (just sometimes it's a bit hard to focus or concentrate when you're hearing a very loud orchestra coming from your fridge). What does really stop me from functioning is more the actual depressive symptoms, and also I get something called expressive dysphasia, which means I lose the ability to process language properly. Like I'll know what I want to say or write, but it gets blocked somewhere along the way, and my speech becomes very disjointed, or I'll say something, or write something, and then realise it's basically just random gibberish that makes absolutely no sense (word salad).

I did try and seek help again about 6 or so years ago, when I went through a really bad episode, and things just got too intense. I But when I did finally go to the Doctor, and ask for help, as soon as I said 'I know these things aren't real', I got fobbed off with implications that I was attention seeking, making things up, and just some sort of hormonal, neurotic woman. A couple of years before that as well I was really struggling with stuff, & the mental health system was just a joke, I couldn't get access to services, & when I did finally get access they did fuck all except just tell me I needed to take nice hot baths, and relax. After all this I'd pretty much given up on the mental health system, or of ever getting any sort of proper help. But then circumstances kind of made me think 'Okay, I don't want to have to go through this all over again, because I've had such negative past experiences, but right now it's not a matter of want, I need to get help'. This time around things have been completely different. I was finally taken seriously, I got a proper diagnosis, I was reassured that 'no I wasn't making stuff up, this was a very real condition', I have a great Psychiatrist who does mindfulness therapy (he actually trained with his holiness The Dalai Lama) in conjunction with medication (the right sort of medication this time) - things are definitely looking up.

Actually, if you give me a few moments, I'll post something I wrote about the experience of having Psychotic Depression to my LJ, and give you the link if you want to pass it along to your friend. Perhaps he might be able to relate, or it might give him at least some sort of basis for starting to ask for help.

Here we go, hope this helps, and I hope your friend will be okay as well. If you want to ask me anything as well, please feel free. I'm more than happy to help people if I can.

http://emerald1972.livejournal.com/78873.html (http://emerald1972.livejournal.com/78873.html)

Wow, thank you so much. I don't even know what else to say; this is so helpful. I understand how hard it must be to even try with the mental health system. Just hearing that someone told my friend he was just pretending... they didn't see him when he hallucinated while I was there. They didn't see the fear and sit there helpless until it went away. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for you or for him to deal with that first-hand.

But seriously, thank you! I'm going to show him everything you've said and see what he thinks. I wish you all the best too! It sounds like things are going better for you and that just makes me incredibly happy. <3

So thank you thank you thank you.

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