[ SECRET POST #1930 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1930 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 110 secrets from Secret Submission Post #276.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

OP here

Thank you for your comments.

I'd just like to say that I'm not looking for a Finnick to put my burdens onto. I'm just so tired of feeling lonely, and lately my friends have been distant, so I feel like I'm fighting a battle on my own. I just know if I had someone by my side, encouraging me to keep going, I would be able to beat this thing. I'd be able to win and be happy for once, because I'd want to keep him happy and make sure he's not worrying over me. Doesn't that even make sense? Maybe it's because I come from an abusive home [still living in one now] and just the idea of someone loving me despite all of this insanity inside of me is just...it's something that I really really want, so much that it hurts. I don't have that familial unconditional love thing that people talk about. And I'm just so scared that I'll never find someone who'll love me. I come from a culture where if you don't find love by your early twenties, you're arranged to a husband you'll be with for the rest of your life, because divorce is highly looked down upon. I'm SO terrified that that's going to happen to me.

I'm sorry, I don't even think I'm making sense. I'm just so lonely and so caught up with all this crazy going around in my head and on one hand I don't even want to make I care about worry because I can see my friends struggling to deal with me and I don't want to add to that list at all but...I'm just so sick of dealing with this on my own. I just want someone who can hold my hand and kiss my cheek and tell me it'll be alright because...if I had that, I'd have the strength to keep fighting.

I'm sorry, this is really stupid of me. I've managed to work myself into a sobbing spree and I'm pretty sure this is incoherent. Sorry.

[weasleykid8.livejournal.com]

OP, I totally understand what you're going through because I'm having similar issues and doubts right now. I have some anxiety issues, and I think I may finally be ready to admit that I'm probably asexual. And so, I'm a whackjob who doesn't like intimacy--and I'm convinced this is the nail in my coffin when it comes to ever finding someone. I understand your desire to feel like SOMEONE has your back unconditionally; I don't really feel I can trust my friends (and certainly not my judgemental parents) with my feelings, and I envy those in my life who have a bf or husband's shoulder to cry on. I don't feel for a minute that I WON'T survive without another person, but it would be nice to have someone--anyone--else on this planet who maybe cares about me just enough to help me through my harder issues. I get your desire, and I feel that same pain of impending failure--no one is going to put up with my crazy in the long-term and no one is going to bother to love me long-term if I don't feel like being intimate with them. Feeling like you're doomed to loneliness hurts, and it makes the realization that you might have to always fight alone very, very hard.

That said, I reached a very dark bottom a few weeks back, and decided that I'd at least seek counseling, because even if no one else could really be happy with me in the long run, at least I can learn to live with myself. I start my first official session this coming week, and reaching out for professional help has made me feel better about myself than I have in weeks.

So I, too, will never find a Finnick, even though I'm desperately lonely for one (though I'd settle for a Prim/Buttercup brand of loyalty from a good friend!), but perhaps I can learn to manage the feelings I get and learn to accept things the way they are. I wish the best for you, OP. Please, at least try and get some help to work through some of your issues; I'm no Finnick, but I feel where you're coming from, and I want you to fight, and the odds to be in your favor.

Good luck and best wishes, OP.