fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2023 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2023 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well, you asked for advice, so here goes.

You are being rude. Like, really rude. Whatever your friend's opinions on the subject, she has apparently decided not to share them. It could be because she knows you would disagree with them and this subject is important to you, so she doesn't want to put any strain on her relationship with you. It could be because she has had some personal experience that makes talking about this subject uncomfortable and difficult. It could be for some other reason. Whatever her reasons, not only is she allowed not to talk about something, you pushing at her so hard is not doing anything but validating that decision. If someone were pushing at me about something the way you've described, I wouldn't feel safe talking about that subject with them, even if I agreed with them completely.

Let me further point something out. Suppose your friend does disagree with you. You say these are things you have strong opinions about? Then odds are, she already knows what they are. And, probably because she respects you and values her relationship with you, she has decided to let you have the field on those issues when the two of you interact. Even if you disagree, she has ceded you the floor and offered your voice no objections or arguments. She's letting you win without a fight.

You have every right to choose your friends based on whatever criteria you set. If one of those criteria is the willingness to talk about these issues, then that's your decision. But she has every right to not talk about something. So you need to make a decision. Do you respect her enough to let her let go when she chooses, or is it more important that you have the answers you want?

Edited 2012-07-18 00:56 (UTC)

same anon
Hm, maybe I have been, somewhere. I never meant to be insensitive. I didn't push (I don't think...?)-- this hasn't happened often or anything. I was just speaking my mind. Though it's true, I don't know what's at the root of her silence. I can live with her not wanting to talk about things, or leaving me to my thoughts on different subjects whenever they come up. But that she disregarded all of a letter did bother me. I wish she would at least tell me she'd rather talk about something else.

It doesn't sound like OP was pushing her friend at all, really. I'm puzzled as to where you got that. Nor did they state any action they'd done that was rude...

OP already knew that their friend avoided this particular subject as she had seen it in the past. Which doesn't mean it's taboo, or can never be talked about, but it does mean that the friend has made it clear she has nothing to add to the discussion. Instead of respecting this decision, OP has decided to try and drag some statement out of her friend, either by maneuvering her, as much as possible via email anyway, into a situation where it would be rude not to respond, or by simply getting in her face and demanding one. And all this having known before she started that her friend doesn't prefer to discuss these things. When you've got someone you know in advance is uncomfortable talking about something, but you deliberately, and a now a few times in a row, according to OP's account, put it before them in such a way as to try and make it very hard, or at least rude, for them not to talk about that subject, that is being pushy by its very nature. Which is, barring some external circumstance that makes the discussion urgent or necessary, rude.

Ignoring someone in the middle of a conversation, and then lying to their face about having "lost half the email" isn't the sort of thing someone does if they ~respect you and value their relationship with you~. If they actually respect you, they'll say, "I'm not comfortable with that topic, let's please take the conversation somewhere else.

The OP hasn't said that ze seeks out topics that the friend is uncomfortable with, but when they come up organically in conversation, the friend starts ignoring hir for days and pretends the entire discussion never happened. That's a shitty way to treat a friend, and doesn't suggest anything like respect on the friend's part. It's not about "getting the answer you want" -- it's about wanting to be treated like a person and a friend, rather than having someone pretend you don't exist when they don't like your opinions.

[ SECRET POST #2023 ]

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