[ SECRET POST #2059 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2059 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 045 secrets from Secret Submission Post #294.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I know that this week has been filled with almost all anti-ace sentiment in a lot of corners I visit, so I know I'm filled with rage right now, but

some people may stop over on the ole' asexuality train, just like some people may stop over on the bi train, or people on the straight train or any other sexuality doing that.

It's okay to do that. Nothing wrong with questioning. It may be painful, but there's not much one can do but be open to change if it may occur.

What is wrong is questioning other people's orientations. I'm not in the business of policing how other people feel about their orientation.

Do you know how much disbelief I've gotten over being asexual?

I mean it's not like asexuals are constantly told that they're lying and ~special snowflakes~ and broken and wrong and have mental disorders and inhuman and women and ugly and late bloomers (at any age btw) and repressed and frigid and lepers and oh wait yes they are over and over and OVER.

It hurts. It hurts to constantly be questioned about how I feel. It hurts to be told my orientation is a joke and a lie. It hurts to be told things like depression or being a woman makes me asexual. It hurts to be constantly on the defensive of how my orientation is valid for me.

[la_petite_singe]

Believe me, I'm not anti-ace in the slightest. And if someone said to me that they were asexual, my response would be anything but "are you sure? I bet you're not really sure, just give it time, that's not a real thing, you just want attention, etc" or any of that, because (a) that would be rude as fuck and (b) I've heard that enough myself for being queer (and probably-childfree, now I think about it). But many people have noticed that it seems to be common or popular or 'trendy' to identify or at least refer to oneself as asexual, and I think there are varying reasons why people choose that label, either temporarily or long-term. And personally I don't think there's anything at all wrong or judge-worthy with going through different stages; I've known plenty of people who said they were bi and then eventually realized they were gay; I've known people who said they were gay and then came out as trans; I've known people who said they were gay and then said straight, etc. And of course I've known people who've stated they were one thing and then been that thing without wavering forever. It's why I don't put too much stock in labels--people are free to call themselves whatever they like and I'll respect it, but I won't 'hold' them to it in the sense of being like "and you'd better NEVER EVER change that and also perfectly fit my own personal description of that word." Because that just doesn't work. So, yeah, there are some people who use that word in a 'special snowflake' sense, just like there are people [girls] who claim to be bisexual just to titillate men, etc. But I don't think I or anyone else has the right to judge under any circumstances, and I don't challenge/question anyone's statements about themselves. I just think it's...all a very gray area.

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt

I didn't think you were, I've just been badly set off by a Fox News segment on asexuality and there was some huge assholes I had to deal with before that so I'm just...not really in a good place atm sorry.

Really I think the problem with mentioning those grey areas are that those grey areas are often used to try to invalidate us. Not everyone who thinks about the grey areas are, but all too often that is what they're used for.

tbh I think the 'popularity' of aces is more because it's becoming more accepted and noticed. When I first identified as ace, you had to go to AVEN or dig really deep to find even one. But now I can find articles and youtube vids about asexuality and it's kinda amazing. I found my identity through pure accident, but if things back then were like things now, I'd have had an easier time lol

Not saying people aren't, 'trending' with it (I've seen a few, tbh) but I think it's not as prominent (but maybe I'm hanging in the wrong areas).

[stainless]

Anon -- I wasn't trying to define who is and who isn't asexual. I wasn't trying to call anyone a "snowflake" (personally, I think that phrase is insulting no matter what the context and that any time anyone uses it they're revealing themselves to be an insecure elitist brat.)

For whatever it may be worth to you, I don't think that having a low libido is uncommon at all. And yeah, I know asexuality means no libido at all (unless we're getting into "gray-a" and "demi" which I really can't speak to.) But I say low libido isn't rare because, well, I think none is rarer and probably pretty rare, but it's just the end of a continuum.

All I mean is that, well, anyone who's at the end of a continuum is at an extreme. And I think knowing you're somewhere in the middle can be easy, but knowing for sure that you're the extreme is harder.

I think that young people have a tendency to apply labels to themselves in a very binary way, and I think that can mean doing a number on themselves. Sometimes it applies, and they're sure anyway. Sometimes, though, I think it's a part of youth to see things without a fine grain yet, and that's why I worry when I see young people getting so deeply invested in identity politics.

Particularly because asexuality is defining yourself by something you don't like, rather than something you do. If I say "I'm gay," that may imply I'm not straight, but it also implies there's something I like. If I say "I'm straight" that implies not just "I don't like people of the same gender sexually" but that I do like people of the opposite. Where with asexuality, you're defining yourself only by a never and a no.

I'm not saying that's not legitimate. I'm just saying that I think a lot of people discover that their nevers melt.

I don't think it's mentally ill for someone to say never to something (unless it's something like "I will never eat" or some other self-destructive thing.) I just think defining oneself through a never is tricky.

I think that's where some people get the feeling that asexuality is just people wanting an identity. Because I think it's pretty rare for people to define themselves by nevers, and that often when they do there's something weird about that.

Like "childfree" -- I don't think it's not a thing. I don't want a kid. But when I tried to act like this was some big part of who I was, I ended up focusing on how pure I was in not doing something, rather than focusing on the life I wanted to have. I ended up judging people who do that thing and feeling like they were somehow threatening, rather than how I feel now which is "hey, that's no one's business. Let's go plant trees or something."

I don't think that's necessarily true of asexuals and I certainly am not saying that's true of you. But I think that's where some of the hostility and confusion comes from.

[(Anonymous)]

...But asexuality isn't having a low libido. I mean, asexuals can, but that's not what it means.

It means having no sexual attraction.

That's it.

That's why some asexuals masturbate or don't really mind sex, though they really aren't fully into it.

Maybe you should check the definition before talking about it? It seems only fair.

[stainless]

Please read the entirety of my comment before responding to it.

Specifically, this part: "And yeah, I know asexuality means no libido at all (unless we're getting into "gray-a" and "demi" which I really can't speak to.) But I say low libido isn't rare because, well, I think none is rarer and probably pretty rare, but it's just the end of a continuum."

Thank you.

[(Anonymous)]

I did and that's what I responded to.

From a blog:

""It doesn’t matter, because the definition of asexual that we are using isn’t really “not sexual,” it’s “lacking sexual attraction” specifically. ""

Not talking about demis or Grey-a's since those ALSO deal with sexual attraction. Not libido. They aren't the same thing.

[stainless]

Okay... I didn't see that distinction and I apologize for the snark.

But... and I mean this as asking for information, not as further snark... what difference does that difference make? I'm not sure I understand.

[(Anonymous)]

Hmm, sexual attraction is seeing a person and finding them sexy. You could imagine having sex with them or you get aroused by looking at that person. The thought of sex with that person attracts you.

Libido...not really. It just happens. It's hormones. Like sometimes I get an odd randy feeling. Has nothing to do with actual people and can be taken care of without actually thinking of other people.

I hope that might be clearer?

[stainless]

Not really. For me arousal isn't usually about seeing people, and wanting to have sex with people is about a lot of things: one is libido (if I didn't want sex in general, I'd want something else with that person. Cuddling. Talking. Playing Frisbee. Whatever.) and the other is liking or trusting that person enough to want to be intimate with them.

What you're describing -- seeing someone and wanting to have sex with them -- is something I've only experienced rarely, if at all. Usually there's also something about the person that I like, even if it's just hearing that they share an interest I like or like an activity I enjoy.

(This is probably why I'm usually utterly stumped by people's attractions to/crushes on celebrities. There's nothing about them to like! (Unless you've studied them enough to know about them, I mean.))

But I absolutely wouldn't say I'm asexual. Sex is something I like and want and need, and enjoy with people I'm dating, and wouldn't completely rule out with someone I'm not though I'd never expect that to be something I'd do.

So I'm not sure what either "asexual" or "sexual" would mean based on that definition, really. Where if "asexual" means "isn't interested in sex," that does make sense to me -- it's someone who doesn't like or usually want or much care about something I like.

[(Anonymous)]

I guess that's a good way to put it too though! I have a libido, but really I'm be fine with never actually having sex. It's not something I want or need.

Of course, I could be wrong about sexual attraction, I've never really felt anything sexual towards anything so I was mostly going by other's definitions of what sexual attraction was.

[stainless]

Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

I'll admit to getting really confused when people start talking "demi" and "gray-a" though.

(NOTA BENE: I am not claiming these things, or the people they describe, do not exist or are not "real.")

[(Anonymous)]

Demis are essentially asexual until they form a strong emotional bond with someone (romantic or non-romantic). They feel no desire for sex until that bond forms.

Grey-A is more difficult because it's basically the spectrum between asexuality and sexuality. I think it's usually either a)people who enjoy and want sex, but only under very specific circumstances
or/and b)have the desire to have sex but not strongly enough to want to actually do it.

You;d have to probably look up some Grey-A's or demis to find out more, since I am not one and only know what I've heard in the community.