fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2066 ]

[ SECRET POST #2066 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2066 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 037 secrets from Secret Submission Post #295.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So I have this really nice friend who goes to college with me. We are from the same hometown, and our houses have been across the street from each other for five years. Our whole families are friends (she has three siblings)and we all regularly talk to each other and hang out etc, and now that she and I go to the same school, we still talk and hang out at school.

Yesterday she told me that her older brother (I think he's two years older than her and she is two years ahead of me in school, but she is just a year older than me) sexually molested her from the fourth grade up through when she was a sophomore in high school (she is a junior in college now). She said that he came around and stopped doing it and apologized without her asking, and that eventually after a lot of internal struggling and talks with him she learned to forgive him and get through the tragedy. He promised to never hurt anyone again. She never told her parents, and she doesn't want to.

My problem is I have no clue how to process this information at all, and I can't really tell anyone else without betraying her deepest trust. How the hell am I supposed to feel about this? I know this doesn't really have much to do with me, because I am neither the victim nor the perpetrator, and I am not even family, but this information for some reason is still sitting very heavily with me, and I don't really know what to do about that.

You tell someone, immediately. This is beyond keeping trust. Others may have been his victims as well as your best friend. This is NOT something you keep to yourself. Though your friend says she is ok, I have many doubts that that is true. She should not be having any relationship with her brother. He belongs in prison and needs to stay there for a very, very long time. Please, please, please tell someone who can bring him to justice and get him away from children!!! I cannot stress this enough: your friend's and other children's lives are at stake, and you can do something about it! So do it!

As someone who was molested by a boy a few years older than me as a kid, I EXTREMELY disagree with you. It sounds like her brother was a minor, too, when this was going on. We don't know what happened on his side of things--he might have also been a victim of sexual abuse, for all we know.

Also, dragging this up without her friend's permission could be very damaging, IMO. When I told a friend about my abuse, he blackmailed me into telling my parents because he was concerned about me (by threatening to never talk to me again if I didn't). While his intentions were very, very good, his actions were hurtful because he was taking power and control away from me. The last thing I wanted as a victim who had already felt like I had little agency was not even having a choice over if, when and how I discussed it with my parents.

If OP feels like she really does have to tell someone, then at the very least I'd strongly encourage her to go to her friend with her concerns FIRST. I would be very, very, very, VERY upset if I confided in someone about this only to have them tell someone else without my permission.

AYRT: Yes, that is exactly what I am getting at here. I want to be respectful of her wishes and her privacy, and I don't want to drag up this thing and make it painful for her and her brother again when they have worked so hard to heal themselves and their relationship. But at the same time it is very difficult to carry information this heavy alone. I don't feel like I have to tell anyone for the sake of anyone's safety, but it's just weird having this information. I just don't really know how to feel about it. I am not going to treat her any differently, obviously, but this information is just weighing on my heart.

I'm really sorry. It's just that hearing about things like this, I just want to help. I truly mean no disrespect to the friend. I just feel so, so bad.

OP: <3 It's ok. You are well meaning. I too was shocked and disturbed, that's why I'm here! It's a pretty scary topic.

I wish you and your friend the best of luck. My prayers go to the both of you. <3

AYRT: <3 Thank you.

DA from before--I also understand why you'd want to help and feel horrible over it, so it's fine. I know this sort of thing is really difficult to deal with...

Yes, disregard the victim and what they want. That sounds like a great idea.

Don't get me wrong, I think the guy should be investigated but the victim comes first. Always.

I'm really sorry. It's just that hearing about things like this, I just want to help. I truly mean no disrespect to the friend. I just feel so, so bad.

I understand. Situations like this are very sad and emotionally charged. There's no harm done. :)

Oof, that is heavy. I think it's totally understandable why you'd be so upset to find out about this, particularly since it's something that hits close to home since you know both of the people involved and they're close to you. I think it's always a little freaky to realize how close this sort of thing can hit to home. I've had a similar experience when I've found out my friends have been victims of sexual abuse.

I don't know if I can tell you how to handle it, since I'm not sure how you best process grief, but...just try to do whatever it is that will help you? If you need to try to concentrate on something else for a while, revisit one of your favorite fandoms. If you process grief better by trying to understand how it could happen, maybe do research on sexual abuse?

I hope everything goes well for you and your friend.

AYRT: Thank you for not freaking out at me! I know the instinctual response to this sort of stuff for a lot of people is "oh my god tell everyone air everyone's dirty laundry", and I know that's not the best course of action here, because I don't think the brother would hurt me or my family or anyone else, since he did apparently genuinely and continuously show remorse for his actions. I do believe that people can change.

Mostly I just wish I could talk about this with my mom, but I can't because it hits too close to home, you know? I don't want to make things painful for my friend or her brother when they both have worked so hard to heal and are finally getting past the terrible things that happened.

You're welcome! I'm the DA above, too, and I also believe people can change, so...I had to go through a long process of anger and finally realizing that the guy that molested me might've also been a victim of something, too, so I can sort of understand where your friend might be coming from. I don't know if I have a whole lot of pity for her brother, but it does sound like he's genuinely remorseful, and like I said above we don't know how he got caught up in this in the first place, so...yeah.

I would say that if it seems like her brother might've done this to someone else, I would try to talk to your friend and encourage her to maybe talk to someone about what happened--but I think that should be her choice, yeah.

maybe instead of talking to your Mom, you can talk to a therapist or a counselor about it? Is there any counseling center at your school? I think they have to keep things confidential, and since they're trained in dealing with issues like this they might be able to help you figure out how to get through this--and how to best support your friend.

AYRT: Oh, I guess I didn't mention upthread. I am not the only person she has told (although I am one of the few people). She has another friend who went through a similar experience, and she worked through this also with a religious leader and through praying with her friend.

I definitely do not think her brother did this to anyone else.

I just feel guilty too for feeling bad about this whole thing, like I shouldn't have feelings about it because it didn't happen to me, and it happened a while ago, you know? I feel really stupid for having a hard time processing this information, and I feel really self centered and stuff, like I'm making this all about me by feeling so conflicted inside. There is a counseling center at my school. Maybe I will go.

I don't think it sounds self-centered at all! I think it just shows how much you care about her--why wouldn't someone be upset to find out their friend went through something so horrible?

definitely go to the counseling center, I think, if you feel comfortable.

<3 Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. This has really been weighing on me.

you're welcome. <3 again, I really hope everything goes OK for you and your friend.

I'm really sorry. It's just that hearing about things like this, I just want to help. I truly mean no disrespect to the friend. I just feel so, so bad.

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[ SECRET POST #2066 ]

Feeling Conflicted About a Heavy Issue

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