[ SECRET POST #2079 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2079 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 057 secrets from Secret Submission Post #297.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[stainless]

[ETA: I only read part of your post. It's clear from his lying to her that he probably was just being an entitled ass, so I withdraw my comments. But I want to leave them up so it doesn't look like I'm trying to erase saying something stupid.]

You know, this is probably going to get me into trouble, but... did he do anything wrong?

I'm not sure I know, because I can't tell from your original post whether he was whining and angry or whether it was more like

"Um, you know, I really don't want to be a douche or anything, but... well... most couples do [sex act.] My girlfriend won't, and I know her reasons are valid [mentions abuse], but... I still feel like never [sex act] might be a dealbreaker for me. How do I handle it?"

If the latter, I think that's a totally normal and reasonable thing for a person who is dating someone with trauma triggers to ask. I also think breaking up with a person with trauma triggers because they're triggered by one of your favorite sex acts is totally reasonable, too. (And I say this as someone with PTSD myself.)

So the whole idea that he's some sort of horrible person is just... not something I can get behind, unless I know what sort of attitude he said these things in. If he's struggling with how to be a good partner to someone who has sexual trauma triggers, then he's a normal human being who asked the wrong person a sensitive question that he really should have asked a therapist or someone else who holds such stuff in strict confidence.

If he's bitching and moaning about everything that's wrong with her and "the crazy bitch won't even X my Y," then he's a complete douchenozzle. But I don't know enough context to know which.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

The only advice he asked me for was how to get her to agree to let him sleep with other girls. Everything else was just moaning and complaining about being "saddled" with his GF.

I don't feel that he legitimately wanted advice. I would have handled this completely different if I felt he had her best interests at heart and just did a stupid thing.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[stainless]

Okay. Yeesh. Then yeah, that's totally different.

"How can I sleep with other women?" "Break up with the one you're dating now."

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

Saw your ETA.

Really this whole thing was because he defended his decision to share her personal information without consent and refused to admit that wasn't ok. If he had just backed down and admitted the mistake I'm not sure I would have even let her know what happened. I was just afraid that the fact that he didn't see anything wrong with what he did meant he wouldn't see anything wrong with telling other people this and other things.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[stainless]

Yeah, I totally agree. I just think that sometimes asking others for advice on tough situations can mean breaking confidence, and I'm not sure I'd always condemn that. It sounded in your original thread like people were condemning that no matter what, and that makes me kind of uneasy.

But I do think, if you actually need advice because someone has saddled you with a burdensome secret you don't know how to handle, it's ideally best to tell a therapist or a counselor or the like (because they keep things confidential), or if you can't, someone who doesn't know you both.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[(Anonymous)]

Do you mean someone who is a stranger to both anonymouslyyours and the douchy guy? Because I highly doubt anyone on F!S knows anonymouslyyours and the guy.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[stainless]

That's what I mean, yes. The guy didn't vent to f!s, so I'm not sure what you're saying.

If you look at this thread it kind of makes my point -- OP technically told someone too (us), but no one is condemning her for that, because 1) we don't know the woman and 2) OP was asking for advice, not bad-mouthing the woman.

My point is just that the jerkery isn't so much that telling the secret is objectively wrong, it's that the BF was 1) telling the secret to someone who knew the person (so "My girlfriend doesn't X" isn't just a statement about someone random, but a statement about someone OP knows), which means OP then would feel beholden to the person the secret is about and 2) telling the secret for a frivolous/selfish reason.