[ SECRET POST #2079 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2079 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 057 secrets from Secret Submission Post #297.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

I asked for advice here
http://fandomsecrets.dreamwidth.org/668559.html?thread=580301455#cmt580301455

I'm sorry I didn't reply to all the comments but I did read and consider everything, thank you for your help.

I really thought she should know because some of the things he said made me feel like she had other issues she might open up about in the future that he might feel entitled to share with other people. I also considered the fact that the only reason I hadn't met her yet was because of a scheduling conflict and that there were already plans in place where I would meet her which he knew before discussing this with me. He had specifically said that she had begged him not to say anything to anyone and didn't want anyone else to know.

It's not that I feel that he didn't have the right to seek advice. But not from someone he has such a casual relationship with, not behind her back, not before he'd even discussed his feelings with her, and certainly not the self-pitying bullshit he was spinning at me.

I asked him to talk to her again since and I asked how he would feel if I told people some of the stuff he had confided in me and he said it was different because I wasn't asking for advice and that he hadn't done anything wrong. I said if he didn't do anything wrong he should be fine telling her. It degraded from there and I realized he really wasn't going to tell her and I would have to tell her myself.

I really waffled back and forth between e-mailing her and telling her in person. I sent her an e-mail telling her I was in a bit of an awkward bind concerning a conversation I had with her boyfriend recently and that I felt she should know about but he disagreed and I asked if she wanted to maybe ask him what I was talking about. She wanted to hear it from me so I asked whether she wanted an e-mail or if she wanted to meet me. She chose to meet me but wanted to do it at their apartment, not at a public place. I sort of chickened out and started crying like an idiot so I gave her what I wrote at her apartment and said if she wanted to talk or had questions I would wait down at the park for a couple hours.

She came down about an hour later.

There was no physical fight but it was pretty intense emotionally. She'd called him about it before coming down and he had told her I was obsessed with him so at first she didn't believe me and I didn't want to start dragging out all the details he told me so I showed her some texts he had sent after the event trying to convince me I was overreacting. Then she accused me of manipulating the information out of him.

It was pretty bad but ultimately she just cried for a while. I managed to convince her into going to at least one abuse support group meeting by promising to go with her. I don't have high hopes that she'll leave him so I'm pretty much just trying to focus my efforts on getting her to a counselor who will be able to handle what she's going through a lot better.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[(Anonymous)]

It sounds like you've done the best you could have, in that situation. You handled yourself well and what happens next for her is ultimately up to her. Well done.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[elaminator]

It was good of you to go through with this, even though it wasn't easy for you either. I'm glad that you told her and that she can now get the help she needs. Hopefully things will work out for her, but like the above anon said, it sounds like you did everything you could.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[insanenoodlyguy]

I just used this above but... sometimes it's not our story, and we are just a side character.

You do the best you can, but you can't always get sombody else to make the choices you'd like them to. Especially while still being a proper friend.

I just hope this guy and your now somewhat soured relationship doesn't mess up the other social dynamic you got.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

Thanks.

I just found out he's talking shit about me on Facebook. Probably because he knows I'm not friended to anyone there. I doubt anyone is taking what he's saying seriously so I'm just going to stay out of it and let our respective histories with the group speak for themselves.

He only closer friends with two guys I know and if they want to stop speaking to me over this I won't be all that broken up over it.

Re: Question about relationships and the bathroom

[insanenoodlyguy]

Well, facebook disparagement to complete strangers is relatively easy to live with. Glad the collateral damage is low!

Re: Question about relationships and the bathroom

[anonymouslyyours]

It's actually pretty hilarious. He claimed we hooked up and then I went "psycho" because he wouldn't break up with his girlfriend for me. One of my friends who is friends with everyone on facebook is really invested in this drama and keeps e-mailing me updates. Mostly everyone expressed disbelief/told him he was an idiot but apparently another one of my fringe friends has taken to white-knighting for me and things kind of imploded and really old, petty shit is getting brought up. Like who owes who a six-pack.

It's actually pretty ego-stroking to watch all these people (some I wouldn't have thought knew how to spell my name) lose their minds talking about my personal life. This is a little pathetic but I'm pretending I have a mini batshit fandom of my own.

<3

[insanenoodlyguy]

Yesssss.... let the dark side flow through you child.

Re: <3

[anonymouslyyours]

And now my little brother is on there claiming the dude in fact hooked up with him and not me and is pretending to be broken hearted that the guy was too drunk to tell the difference. He's also demanding his panties back.

I'm probably going to have to call little brother and tell him this isn't something he needs to antagonize but... in a minute.

Re: <3

[(Anonymous)]

LMAO your brother sounds awesome

*Wheezing noises*

[insanenoodlyguy]

... you are no longer my apprentice.

So, you have a brother. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide him from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps he will...

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[(Anonymous)]

This dude has some serious abuser red flags. And you are a stand up person for doing this and confronting the situation even though it's a really scary thing to do. Just remember, whether she leaves him or gets help or not is not your fault. Try not to feel too guilty, you've done pretty much all you can which is a lot more than a lot of people would do in the same situation.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

I've pretty much acknowledged there isn't anything I can do to get her away from this guy short of getting her the help she needs and hoping that will help her develop the support, agency, and self-esteem to get out of the relationship. Of course if that doesn't work it won't stop me from feeling irrationally shitty so thank you for this comment.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[biohazardgirl]

I know it probably doesn't feel like it because you ended up in kind of a shitstorm, but you handled that in a very mature way. Kudos for having a strong head and a good moral compass, and I hope your efforts pay off for the better in the long run.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

Thank you. I didn't feel all that mature when I chickened out so it's nice to hear!

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[forgottenjester]

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. I also think what you did was very brave.

I really hope she listens to you and gets help and doesn't stay with that guy.

I know that this is difficult for you and if there is anything you need that I can help you with I'll try. You've gotten the biggest hurdle over with now. The rest will be hard but not as hard as what you just did.

Good luck and keep strong!

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

Thank you! I still feel like I was a bit of a child about the whole thing but I'll take it!

Your comment really did help a lot. Knowing someone had been through a similiar experience, visualizing the experience beforehand, and sticking to a public area made it a lot easier for me to get through it. I'm really relieved it's mostly over and now I can just sort of kick back and let it go.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[forgottenjester]

You're welcome. I'm glad I could be helpful and of use.

I know what it's like to feel as if you've acted like a child or inappropriately but believe me. In this instance you very much acted like an adult. You were responsible and doing what was right.

I know the feeling. It is like a weight getting lifted off your shoulders or that pit in your stomach getting removed.

I hope it's all uphill from here for you.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[brightblueink]

If I could send my anger toward this guy as a big psychic wave energy to punch this guy in the face across distances, I would. Wow, just...WOW.

I'm glad you told her, you did the right thing. I hope she takes you up on the offer to help her go to counseling.

Also I love your brother.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[stainless]

[ETA: I only read part of your post. It's clear from his lying to her that he probably was just being an entitled ass, so I withdraw my comments. But I want to leave them up so it doesn't look like I'm trying to erase saying something stupid.]

You know, this is probably going to get me into trouble, but... did he do anything wrong?

I'm not sure I know, because I can't tell from your original post whether he was whining and angry or whether it was more like

"Um, you know, I really don't want to be a douche or anything, but... well... most couples do [sex act.] My girlfriend won't, and I know her reasons are valid [mentions abuse], but... I still feel like never [sex act] might be a dealbreaker for me. How do I handle it?"

If the latter, I think that's a totally normal and reasonable thing for a person who is dating someone with trauma triggers to ask. I also think breaking up with a person with trauma triggers because they're triggered by one of your favorite sex acts is totally reasonable, too. (And I say this as someone with PTSD myself.)

So the whole idea that he's some sort of horrible person is just... not something I can get behind, unless I know what sort of attitude he said these things in. If he's struggling with how to be a good partner to someone who has sexual trauma triggers, then he's a normal human being who asked the wrong person a sensitive question that he really should have asked a therapist or someone else who holds such stuff in strict confidence.

If he's bitching and moaning about everything that's wrong with her and "the crazy bitch won't even X my Y," then he's a complete douchenozzle. But I don't know enough context to know which.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend's abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

The only advice he asked me for was how to get her to agree to let him sleep with other girls. Everything else was just moaning and complaining about being "saddled" with his GF.

I don't feel that he legitimately wanted advice. I would have handled this completely different if I felt he had her best interests at heart and just did a stupid thing.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend&#39;s abuse update

[stainless]

Okay. Yeesh. Then yeah, that's totally different.

"How can I sleep with other women?" "Break up with the one you're dating now."

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend&#39;s abuse update

[anonymouslyyours]

Saw your ETA.

Really this whole thing was because he defended his decision to share her personal information without consent and refused to admit that wasn't ok. If he had just backed down and admitted the mistake I'm not sure I would have even let her know what happened. I was just afraid that the fact that he didn't see anything wrong with what he did meant he wouldn't see anything wrong with telling other people this and other things.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend&amp;#39;s abuse update

[stainless]

Yeah, I totally agree. I just think that sometimes asking others for advice on tough situations can mean breaking confidence, and I'm not sure I'd always condemn that. It sounded in your original thread like people were condemning that no matter what, and that makes me kind of uneasy.

But I do think, if you actually need advice because someone has saddled you with a burdensome secret you don't know how to handle, it's ideally best to tell a therapist or a counselor or the like (because they keep things confidential), or if you can't, someone who doesn't know you both.

Re: TW mentions of abuse; guy who blabbed about girlfriend&amp;#39;s abuse update

[(Anonymous)]

Do you mean someone who is a stranger to both anonymouslyyours and the douchy guy? Because I highly doubt anyone on F!S knows anonymouslyyours and the guy.