fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2106 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2106 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

DA

When dating sexual people who want to have sex, it's difficult to maintain a ship refusing them all the time. I've had sex with people once in a while but always because they wanted to and I was more or less okay with it, if it made them happy or w/e. Not something I had any active desire to do, but I didn't mind if it made them happy and meh, you make compromises in a relationship.

Maybe you're not too fond of giving oral sex but you give it to your partner anyway because it would make them happy. The exact same thing, only all the time.

Thank for the kind reply and explanation.

I honestly feel that this is one of those times where sexual incompatibility is a good reason to break up. Just...sex where one person is not enjoying it gives me all sorts of bad feelings, seriously.

I'm not trolling, I swear. I just honestly don't know how the non-asexual in the relationship is okay with sex under these circumstances.

I feel the same. I mean, I do think that relationships involve compromise. But like, if someone told me "I'm gay, but I love my wife, so I fuck her" my reaction wouldn't be "Ah yes, orientation and behavior can differ! And you're so kind!" It would be "Uh, maybe there's something you're not dealing with here."

da

Well...asexuals don't really have much of a choice. There's not many out there that fit whatever personality, gender, and place you might need. So a non-asexual/asexual pairing can happen, since romantic-orientation still fits. There's gonna have to be compromise regardless, but best case would be a low libido non-ace with a non sex repulsed ace.

"Well...asexuals don't really have much of a choice."

But why can't they just tell their partner "I'm asexual, and this is how I feel about..." and then ask the partner, to respect how they are about sex.

Because it's still compromise? The non-asexual person would have to give up sex then, and that's not very fair to them either. Some asexuals are sex indifferent and can enjoy it to an extent. Some non asexuals don't need sex. Depends on what the individual couple wants to do.

I'm in this kind of relationship with my boyfriend now. I'm asexual and sex-repulsed, and he respects that and loves me enough not to push it.
And it makes me fucking miserable.
Knowing that there's something I can't give him that any other girl could is awful. On top of not experienceing sexual attraction, I have no libido and I find the idea of me, personally, having sex disgusting. If I weren't so repulsed by sex I would have sex with him because I love him and want to make him happy. I mean, I would probably be really bored but if we had the TV on it'd be okay. Can you watch TV while having sex? I know that if I wasn't so repulsed by it, I would be able to have sex no problem. You don't have to enjoy something to do it - I don't enjoy homework but I do that every damned night.
He is my first boyfriend and probably my last. I like having a romantic partner but this feeling of guilt and inadequacy when it comes to the sexual is horrible. I've even near-begged him to have sex with other women at times. Relationships are about compromise but asking him to compromise to this degree feels selfish. Even though he thinks he's happy right now just to be with me non-sexually, I know he could be happier and that's enough to upset me. I feel like, ultimately, I've wasted the past year and a half of his life by pretty much forcing him to be celibate and I'm wasting more of his time because I won't break up with him because, again, I don't want him to be unhappy.
If it were possible for me to compromise on this I would, without a second's thought.

I've been there.

I've gotten him off before, but it's never been reciprocal, and we managed to make it work until he moved to another country.

I agree as well. I could never have sex with someone if they we're just doing it to please me, and felt nothing for the act.

DA

You do enjoy it. But you enjoy it for different reasons. Personally I enjoyed the way my partner looked and acted during sex, the look on his face and the way his heart raced and looked all blissful at the end. It's like what the other anon said about giving bj's. You don't hate it, you don't care for it when it comes to your own libido, but you enjoy it because the person you love enjoys it.

Besides, it's not like the world is filled with asexual that you can be picky. It's either making some compromises or being alone. And when you love someone having sex with them every once in a while isn't such a big sacrifice.

This is a really good explanation. Thank you.

The oral sex comparison isn't working for me. I love giving it, I love receiving it. I have been in relationships where due to my own fucked up mental state, I did it when I didn't want to. The thought of oral sex being given by anyone who isn't into it rubs me all the wrong ways.

i don't identify as asexual, but my libido has functionally evaporated due to the meds i'm on

but, i still enjoy doing sexual things for my partner because it's pleasing to me to please her, just not in a way that is strictly.. idk what you'd call it. traditionally sexual? it's intimate, but i'm not getting off or getting an orgasm.

there are a lot of not-traditionally-sexual ways to be intimate. ie: a lot of bdsm practices. take for instance, masochism. people generally assume masochists get off of pain itself, or feel it as pleasure 'instead' of pain or something. that might be true sometimes, but in other cases it's more about the experience of being struck/whipped/branded/whatever, entrusting oneself to the dominant, being that vulnerable, etc. i would say two kinky people engaging in spanking or whatever might be sexual without any genitals being fiddled with or anyone being hard/wet/what-have-you.

i agree that there are a lot of uncomfortable implications about a asexual partner just 'resigning themselves' to rolling over and taking it from their sexual partner, but i err on the side of assuming agency in adults

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