fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2132 ]

[ SECRET POST #2132 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2132 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 100 secrets from Secret Submission Post #305.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So there's this guy who I met about ten years ago now, and for almost that entire duration, we've had ~chemistry~. But he lives 3000 miles away and we primarily chat online.

I developed feelings for him and came out to him (and everyone else) in my late teens. He reacted well and we started cybering and the like, though I was painfully bad at it (and still am to this day -_-). He essentially pressured me into it then, despite my discomfort AND that he had a girlfriend who he told me he was serious with. I swore to myself I'd save up money and visit him. This is the same song and dance we've been doing ever since -- he dates girl after girl while telling me he loves me, and coerces me into sexual situations I'm not actually comfortable with.

I'm actually starting to worry I'm ace and homoromantic -- not that it's bad, just, it'd explain a lot about my very negative sexual history. But I don't have it in me yet to say any of this to him. Kick me in the ass, F!S?

why should you tell him that

why do you owe anything to this dude who keeps coercing you into cybering with him while he's dating some other girl.

is there something that i'm missing here about how this guy isn't a creep

We have a history, I guess.

That's a flaw. You envision him because you've been at this so long you can't envision anybody else. Detach and you may well find a new perspective.

and i have a history of awful poops

seriously don't waste your time on this guy anymore, he's a knob

Yeah, this times 1000, OP. Get rid of him. You'll be hurting a lot for the first couple of months, but this guy shouldn't be cheating on this girl, stringing you along or pressuring you into sex. Nor should you feel like you have to keep quiet if you're not comfortable with cybering. :hugs:

sa

I missed the part about "dating girl after girl", but my point still stands.

lol why do you even want anything to do with someone who is pressuring you into a cyber relationship? I would just stop talking to him (which is easy since you only know him online and not in real life). Seriously, why do you even like him?

Drop this "prize" and see if you can't find somebody else.

I'm not so sure you're ace just based on this. I mean you might be. But right now you are submerged in toxic relationship that might be clouding your vision.

Get your head straight and above water and see how you feel about things. Whatever you decide about yourself, dropping this guy will put you in a better place whomever you end up.

I needed to hear this, thanks

(How sad is it that I have to come to F!S for this, fuck)

It's what we are here for.

Well, no. We are here to confess our fandom secrets But also this.

Well, that's one of the things F!S is for, right? I mean, getting second/third/fourth/bazillionth opinions on things?

Don't beat yourself, OP.

Your orientation aside this guy sounds like a user. Basing any aspect of your identity off of your relationship with him is not a good idea. You sound like you need to figure some stuff out for yourself and a toxic relationship is only going to confuse things.

You are probably reluctant to cut him out of your life because you two have a history that includes him not freaking out when you came out (for which you might feel grateful) and doing very intimate things (which not only builds emotional connections, but might have represented a sexual outlet that felt "safe" because for all the discomfort, there was no actual physical contact involved).

If you are not getting anything out of your relationship with him, then you should:

1) Cut ties. On a practical level, this is easy because he lives so far away. Just stop talking to him. Stop answering his messages, or whatever. As the other anon said, you don't need to explain anything or even make an announced exit.

2) Look for people with whom you can actually have healthy, beneficial relationships. There are always other fish in the sea, even if your orientation (whatever it turns out to be) puts you in a minority.

a) not being comfortable doing sexual things with a guy who pressures you and treats you like crap doesn't mean you're asexual, it means you actually have a bit of self-preservation

b) you're a dick for fooling around with a guy who had a girlfriend/dates girls without them knowing he has you on the side.

You should definitely break this off. It's not fair to you or his girlfriends, and he sounds like a complete creep.

you're a dick for fooling around with a guy who had a girlfriend/dates girls without them knowing he has you on the side.

Did the OP specify if the girlfriends did or didn't know?

OP here and I can confirm that as far as I know, at least half of these girls had no idea. I met two separate girlfriends at cons and they did not ID me as competition.

So yeah, I am kind of a dick and I hate him for encouraging me towards being this kind of person

As much as he "encourages" you the only person you can blame for your actions are yourself. You do have a choice, you know. You're not helpless.

Re: Well this got long. Mild TMI. Please help?

(Anonymous) - 2012-11-03 22:06 (UTC) - Expand

This is exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear, thank you <3

NP. Everyone make some bad decisions in their lives, doesn't make them bad. Just don't waste any more of your life on it after you realize it's bad.

Dude, I didn't even think of B but I have to agree. They may be being used by this guy but they're essentially helping hurt these girls.

This guy sounds like a grade A user and abuser. He is not your friend. He is a complete asshole.

Your orientation doesn't matter in this. He's just fucking abusive and you need to drop him like he's a turd on fire and get out.

I'm sorry I'm being so aggressive with this but holy shit what you've said of this guy pisses me off.

I had a similar relationship with one of my best friends. He was there for me when I didn't have anyone else. He was someone I could talk to, and intellectually we were always very compatible, had the same interests, laughed at the same jokes. I know I even thought he was attractive.

I thought that because that part felt right, then the rest of it should come easily to me too. I thought that not wanting to have sex with him meant that there was something wrong with me, and that when he pressured me and wanted me to do things that I didn't feel comfortable with, I should try to do it anyway, because it made him happy.

It's different in the sense that you don't have physical contact with this guy, and I'm pretty much going to tell you something as bluntly as I can. Please don't initiate it.

My friend, the person I thought loved me, who didn't stop pressuring me when I felt uncomfortable, he ended up losing his temper (which had never before happened in a 6 year friendship), and he nearly killed me. The next day he called me to apologise, said he loved me for the first time, and begged me to stay with him.

It feels like love, but the people who really love you would never want you to feel uncomfortable when you share something so intimate, would never ask you to aid them in cheating on other people, would never take advantage of the way you feel about them.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it's difficult but this could and almost did happen with us, and I needed to hear it from someone else.

No problem. It's easier to talk about it now, you'd be surprised how much time can change your perspective on things.

Don't know if OP or not OP, but either way, I didn't have anyone telling me how wrong things were at the time, and I never had the courage to ask anyone's advice, so I think that you being willing to hear it is a sign that you're already on the right track.

Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself.

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[ SECRET POST #2132 ]

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