fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2161 ]

[ SECRET POST #2161 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2161 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 098 secrets from Secret Submission Post #309.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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I am, no word of a lie, reading a fic were two characters have been lovers for six-ish months, and one has only just discovered the massive, highly-visible scarring on the other that reaches from the top of his neck to his ankles. This is spectacularly shitty fic on every level, but I started laughing out loud at that particular dramatic reveal.

Actually, I've been having great week of bad fic. Stoic characters sobbing into their pillows, otherwise good sex scenes where one character is consistently referred to as a child (he's 21), strangely sudden recoveries from pneumonia, and three-day starvation that left a healthy adult man hospitalized...I've had great luck!

Ack, my point was, does anyone have any great-bad stories to share? I've got a craving.

ROFL.

Uhm... you could probably give us the link?

I wouldn't usually, but this asshat author seems to be bumping their work to the top of the list every couple of hours, so why not?

But you should really start with the equally terribad prequel

http://archiveofourown.org/works/579849

Look up the characters if you don't know them. It makes it so awesomely OOC, you don't even know.

Hahahaha that sounds hilarious. What were the excuses for the scars one? Only lights-off sex? (but scars do feel different to the touch than the rest of the skin...)

I understand the kick you're getting out of this stuff, but sadly I don't bookmark pitiful fics. I just sometimes check WTFFanfiction and, if the excerpt looks awful enough, perhaps I'll google it and find the terrible fic it was taken from. That's always a good starting point.

sa

Also, it should be noted that terrible quotes are accompanied by terrible music. I quote one of the recent little gems that get posted here, as an example: (Inception fanfic) 'Arthur felt like the Niagara Falls was streaming out of his arse with his arousal'

oh my god

how could you write that and think it sounded good

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-02 23:27 (UTC) - Expand

So basically when this guy gets aroused he gets diarrhoea?

Nice.

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

lunabee34 - 2012-12-02 23:52 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

al28894 - 2012-12-03 02:23 (UTC) - Expand

I'm very concerned by the fact that it's 2012 and someone out there apparently still believes the self-lubricating asshole is an actual thing that exists.

AHAHAHA wtf is this beauty? I'm crying twin Victoria Falls ;D

Ahhh, yes...it will be a long time before I forget Tony pretending to be a ham while Steve covered him with glaze and wrapped him in a heated blanket. And then fucked him. Because that's what you do with ham. You fuck it.

ahahaha

do i dare ask for a link?

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

oroburos69 - 2012-12-02 23:39 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

diet_poison - 2012-12-03 04:30 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

kryptoncat - 2012-12-03 05:05 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

agentcthulhu - 2012-12-03 12:09 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-02 23:38 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

al28894 - 2012-12-03 02:57 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-02 23:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

lunabee34 - 2012-12-02 23:54 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

oroburos69 - 2012-12-03 03:51 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

lunabee34 - 2012-12-03 04:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-03 00:10 (UTC) - Expand

Light and Dark the Adventures of Dark Yagami will never not be the most beautiful masterpiece ever created. Some choice quotes:

Misa looked surprised. She stepped back and gasped.

"Your a lesbian?" she asked curiously.

"Yes. Why are you?" Sayu said back sexily.

"I am vicarious" Misa replied as she took her dress off and walked into Sayu's room.

---

L turned on the sirens of the helicopter and shouted "come out with your hands up or I will shoot you!". There was no reply and Light's dad dressed as Watari shoot out a window just to show him he meant business and was not just some crazy guy in a helicopter.

"This is your last chance" he shouted and threw a smoke grenade into the house. Soichiro got a good shot at Mikami and killed him in the leg. There was still no reply.

"I will have to use stealth instead" said L and jumped in the broken window screaming.

Mikami looked up in shock he wasn't expecting them and certainly not the crazy boy that had jumped the window. He was holding the death note with one hand and his broken leg with the other and it had the names of everyone he had ever killed written on it. That's how L knew it was the death note.

---
The nuclear bom went off like a bom and blew up the street and some houses and a car too .

"WHAT THE F-CK WAS THAT" belowed Dark putting his cloths on.

"I was probably just a dog or a bom or something. Cum back to bed" said Misa Sayu,, Light, light's mom and that girl from the bus who were having a sevensome in the basement bed to hide frim Soichiro.

But Dark jumped out the window and fell like 20 feet and landed on a barbeque which was on but he was hard so he didn't catch fire and he ate a burger as he looked at the big hole that the bom had made in the road.

"F-------------------------------------------------CK!" he screamed spitting bits of burger all over Light's dad who had cum to see what had happened to.

"MY CAR!" lights dad scream looking at the scratch in the paint that the nuclear bom had made.

Dark put on a spacesuit and stepped out into thw hole. It was the biggest hole hae had ever seen because it was as big as a bus and nearly as deep. The middle was all radiactiv so he had to make sure he dint stand in the radiactiv that had coverd stuff in green.

In the middle was a tall slimy man covered in green with a magic death note.

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I AM YOTSUBAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the man said being all creepy because he had dead in the bom and was a ghost. "USE YOUR LIFE NOTE TO SAVE MEEEEEEE BEFORE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

---
"Don't worry! I will send you again if I don't kill you cos im so dam mad!" said a mysterious detective. "but first, I will send my apprentice and he has grey hair."

"Wherer is he?"

"He is… NEAR!"

"When will he cum?"

"The time is…….. NEAR!"

"Will he beat Drak ones and for all?"

"Darks end is………….. NEAR!"

"What is his name...?"

"His name is……" then the phone rang and it was the magic phone aht talked to the president.

"YES MISTER PRESIDENT. NEAR IS DEAD. I WILL SEND MY NEW APPRENTICE INSTEAD THEN. SEND HIM IN AIRFORCE WON NOW!"

L turned back into Yotsuba.

"HIS NAME IS……………………………… HAL LINDER!"

---

"DARK! NO" shouted light's mom. She gotted from Dark wat she never got from Soichiro nad his creepy mustache and sexed loads of times a day now. If he died then shed have to go back to sexing other people. "DON'T DIE! I GET FROM YOU WHAT I NEVER GOT FROM SOICHIRO AND HIS CREEPY MUSTACHE!!!"

That's wonderful.

Soichiro got a good shot at Mikami and killed him in the leg.

The trick is to dip the entire child into the Styx.

"I will have to use stealth instead" said L and jumped in the broken window screaming.

Completely cracked up riiight there.

How have I never seen this in my badfic travels before? It's beautiful.

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-03 01:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

eulalia - 2012-12-03 03:19 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

diet_poison - 2012-12-03 04:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

eulalia - 2012-12-03 15:31 (UTC) - Expand

This is perfection. Why isn't this canon? XD

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-03 07:37 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

perfidiousfate - 2012-12-03 08:59 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-03 10:02 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Bad fic is the best fic

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-03 10:06 (UTC) - Expand

Sincerely thank you for this.

Aw man, there was this great hilarious badfic I read a while back that I was gonna link here, looks like the author deleted it though. :( Sadface.

i'll never get tired of reccing this one

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4240771/1/Partially-Kissed-Hero

this one starts semi-sane, but things get more and more batshit crazy as the story progresses

highlights:

-dumbledore and snape made horcruxes to revive themselves every time they die and are evil dark wizards who want to kill harry potter and they use the hair of harry and other students to polyjuice prostitutes and earn sweet sweet cash off creeps

-harry, luna and hermione become a romantic threesome, then become fairies thanks to the fairy queen and have to save reality

-the author is writing it with all the earnestness of a puppy

google "bad fanfiction"; some really good archives and rec lists show up right away

but in my opinion, the best way to find terrible fanfiction is to just visit adultfanfiction.net, fanfiction.net, mediaminer.org or deviantart.com and just check your favorite fandom

i can guarantee you you'll find something hilariously bad sooner or later without even trying

In the early days of Inglourious Basterds fandom, there was this awful multi-chapter Shosanna/Fredrick fic that got worse and worse with each part. I don't have the link to it on hand (and frankly, I don't care to), but there are some excerpts I have thanks to one of my friends who capped bits and pieces for our shared amusement.

It picked up from the canon events of the film, which, as anyone who has seen it is well aware, they shot each other dead. Except here, not only does Fredrick - who was shot in the back - gets up off the floor on his own, he also manages to pick up Shosanna (who was shot right in the chest) and carry her out of the theater before it became engulfed in flames and bullets.

They managed to find a doctor and heal overnight, because apparently, they have Wolverine's immune system.

Shosanna was awakened by the sound of deep breathing, her eyes were still adjusting to the light when she saw the figure moving on the floor. As the light seemed to fill the room she realizes its Fredrick doing push ups, without a shirt on, she could faint if she wasn't so worried.

I had seen the author of the fic comment on other S/F stories, and she was really, really into the idea of Fredrick being a race supremacist. Like, really into it. I mean, it's a premise that could work if handled well in regards to his feelings for Shosanna and how they could forge a relationship, but this fic didn't do that. At all. It can be summed with just one line dialogue from Fredrick, upon learning the truth of Shosanna's identity,

"But you have such good genes."

Also, he kept calling her "Mein Schatz" over and over, like a broken record of doom. She kept getting mad at him, but she'd also keep fucking him (and all scenes faded to black, so there wasn't even any smut for my troubles).

With that realization Fredrick abandoned his gun and as it thudded to the floor he pulled her into his arms. She opens her eyes and looks up at him with surprise, opening her mouth to threaten him but missing her chance as he kisses her forcefully until she gives in and they fold into each other.

"She opens her eyes and looks up at him with surprise, opening her mouth to threaten him but missing her chance as he kisses her forcefully until she gives in and they fold into each other."

What are they, origami cranes?

Back in the day, not long after Titanic came out, I found an X-Files fic where Mulder and Scully somehow get transported back in time to the Titanic and meet Rose and Jack. Mulder and Scully realize they are in love (of course), some stuff happens, the ship sinks, and then our FBI agents get transported back to the present. I don't have any clear memory of the quality of the writing, but the premise was fucking hilarious.

Homestuck High is one of my favorite badfics. I also did a partial spork of it - it's kind of silly but hey

One of my very favorites ever was the LotR songfic set to Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi". With Arwen as the snobby girl and Aragorn as the skater boy. And Legolas eventually gets him in the end. BA HA HA.

I used to trawl ff.net's recent upload section just to find the worst stuff to laugh at. One of my all-time favorite summaries was from a Digimon fic, and stated "TK and Cody are vampires what will they do?"

And then there were a couple different fandoms that had the "stoic characters sobbing into their pillows" problem. There was the Suikoden III Geddoe/Ace slash fic where they were BOTH crying in each other's arms. There was Eroica fic where IRON KLAUS slashes his wrists, sobbing hysterically. *repeated facepalm*

Ahahahaha what, no.

It sounds like someone's cute first fic.

YES they make me want to sob hysterically with laughter. Great examples.

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