fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2185 ]

[ SECRET POST #2185 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2185 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[not a repeat; was broken yesterday]

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[not a repeat; was broken yesterday]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 034 secrets from Secret Submission Post #312.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So about a month ago, the guy that I really, really like asked me to be his girlfriend (after 5-6 months of flirting etc, with now I look back on it subtle signs of interest from him for a couple months before that.) This is my first relationship, as I never found anyone before that I was into enough to prefer a relationship to singleness. This being the case, I decided to look up some relationship blogs to get some tips on how to girlfriend. Unfortunately I ran into an issue that's causing me a bit of upset. See, I've just turned 25, and my bf won't be 22 till April; there's about a 3.5 year gap there. According to what I'm seeing on some of these blogs, guys might date older women casually, but they aren't interested in anything serious with them, and after the looks start to go (age 28 or 29 seems to be "when the looks begin to fade" according to blogland), they usually go off looking for a younger woman. Now, logically I know this is a dumb worry because a) my bf has made it clear already that he wants long-term with me and b) all these blogs seem to be talking to the go-out-and-date-around-a-bunch crowd, when neither I nor bf have been involved in that. But it hit me right in the insecurity, because I've never been popular with guys (this is the first guy who's ever actually chased me), and I've spent my whole life in the shadow of my prettier, more popular, pursued by multiple guys younger sister. It's really stupid, and when my bf and I are together I feel secure, but when I haven't seen him in a while I get these stupid thoughts about how he could have a more beautiful, girlier and more experienced 20 year old instead of a virginal tomboy like me. I'm just dumping this heap of dumb here because I'm too ashamed of it to talk to our friends, and writing my diary doesn't seem to do much good :/ Anyone out there who is or has been the older woman and can give me some confidence boosting with tales of love etc?

My dad left my mom for an older woman. And where I'm at there are quite a few older woman/younger man relationships that have stood the test of time. Growing up I always thought the older man/younger woman thing was a rich people thing because I can't really think of any relationships I know of that are that dynamic. I don't know if that helps but have some anecdata that I've seen this stuff work out really well a few times and in fact don't think 3.5 is actually an age gap.

A 3.5 year gap is nothing. Really. When you start aging, so will he and chances are you won't even be able to notice a difference. Your boyfriend loves you and not your sister. He wants you and if he wanted a more beautiful, girlish woman he would not be with you today. He is, and he seems pretty set on you. Don't worry. Bask in your relationship. Learn to know each other and to trust each other. If you really feel your insecurities are weighing you down, talk to him about them, communication is important.

The important thing to remember is that relationships are not all the same because people are not all the same. Your boyfriend is dating you, not someone else who's his age (although 3 years really isn't that big of a gap) or more experienced. If you feel really insecure about the lack of experience thing, then I'd say just bring it up and talk to him about it, but if it really bothered him he wouldn't be with you. It's hard not to worry, but try not to obsess too much. And the way to be a good girlfriend is to be yourself. Trying to change yourself or the way you act to fit some abstract idea of what it means to be a good girlfriend will just end up making you miserable (and probably your boyfriend, too - he's dating you because he likes you, after all).

And do yourself a huge favor and do not read relationship blogs, as they are crap. Women's looks start to go at 28 or 29? I just... what.

I just read a blog yesterday that said according to some "poll" men think women bloom in their thirties?

Maybe try reading cosmockings to remind yourself how much crap people push on women.

Sounds like you're reading crappy blogs.

(I do that too, though. It's one reason I'd never date an older man - like, more than a few years older.)

Anyway, my aunt is in her 50s and in a relationship with a man a few years younger than her. They've been together for well over ten years by now.

And Prince Charles cheated on Princess Diana, who was much younger than him, with a woman close to his own age and later married her (not to condone adultery, it's just an example of a guy who didn't seem to prefer the younger woman).

And not all guys prefer girly girls, just like not all women like masculine guys.

My gram is older than my grandfather and they've been married 60 years. There's not really anything anyone can really say that will help or change what will or won't happen though. Just don't get so paranoid you push him away.

Just in general: don't pay any attention to people on the Internet you don't know

seriously

seriously

I find that when it comes to relationships, "advice" from other people, even "experts" is worth two shits

I'm 29 and I feel like I'm more attractive now than I was when I was 21, for one thing I know how to take care of myself a lot better now than I did then, my skin has cleared up, I have the money to get a proper haircut that flatters my face, I know how to dress better -- and I get a lot more compliments on my appearance now than I did then.

And yeah, four years is really not much of an age gap, it may seem like a large one now because you and your boyfriend are both young and there is a big difference between someone in their early twenties and someone in their mid-to-later twenties (you do a LOT of growing up in your twenties), but trust me, if this does end up being a long term thing, five years down the road you'll seem practically the same age.

Relax...it's a 3,5 year difference. It's not like you're a 40-year old cougar (not that there's anything wrong with that, but those relationships do have a lower success rate)...but with such a small age difference, I really don't see what the problem is. If it were the other way around, nobody would so much as raise an eyebrow. I've had 2 younger boyfriends (1 and 2 years younger, respectively) and I can honestly tell you nobody gave a shit, least of all the parties involved.

From what little description you give of the guy, he sounds like a nice man - don't let anxieties/prejudices ruin something that might be a potentially great relationship.

Coming off from an "older woman" herself who has a 3 year age gap with my boyfriend, you need to relax. Three years is not that big of a deal, ESPECIALLY in the long run if you're thinking of having a long term relationship with this guy.

Look at the facts first. He's been openly showing his interest for you for about half a year and might have been interested even longer but had to pluck up the courage to flirt with you. It means he's really into you. No person would spend that much time and effort flirting with only one person unless they really wanted a serious relationship. Not only that you've been bonding with this guy for quite a while.

You are 25. You are considered a kid to some members in fandom at that age. Also, some women who are past their 50s are still considered incredibly attractive. And even though there's still a common mindset about how women who are older and lose their looks aren't as appealing to date, there's been a backlash to this recently. With movies coming out focused on dating and romance with older couples.

Concerning the internet blogs of guys ranting about how ~old~ women who are 28 look? This is the internet, and you're going to run across delusional douchebags who think they're Brad Pitt even when they look like Golem. These are the same people who populate forms and call women like Hilary Swank a butterface and live up to the "Would Not Bang" meme. Try to ignore them, since most of them have more issues than Time Magazine.

Chill out, OP. The only way you'll lose this guy is by worrying so much that your worries and anxieties start stressing out the relationship.

my bf has made it clear already that he wants long-term with me

Look, if he said that then you have two options. You either trust him and enjoy your relationship or you don't trust him. If you don't trust him then I think that's your real problem here, not what some nameless bloggers say about how "relationships work". (As if that's a thing.)

Hope you get everything figured out, OP. I wish you the best.

Ten years maybe you'd have cause to be nervous. 21-25 is nothing. Enjoy this.

Those blogs sound ridiculous. People's looks begin to fade at 28 or 29? Really? That sounds very unrealistic to me.

I wouldn't worry. 3.5 years isn't a big deal, and it'll likely become even less of an issue the older you guys get.

I'm 28 and I still get regularly mistaken for 14-16. If I start showing signs of age in the next few years, that'd be an improvement.

You need a bigger age difference before anyone gets to call themselves the older/younger woman/man with any seriousness. You're of the same generation. Maybe might remember a few children's TV shows that he doesn't but that's pretty much it.

If you like him, give it a shot. I can't guarantee it will last, but there are a million reasons people break up and I doubt a small age difference is near the top of the list.

My mother is 10 years older than my ex-stepfather. They were married for almost 20 years and still would be if he hadn't decided he wanted to be a bum.

Not quite what you were looking for, OP, but I'm seven years older than one of my secondary partners, and the fact that I'm older and more stable than (a) him and (b) more importantly, his previous primary partner (protip: guys, don't date Manic Pixie Dream Girls in RL; they'll ruin your credit rating) is actually one of the big draws, for him.

Those blogs feed on people's insecurities to get people's attention and spit out a bunch of nonsense based off of arbitrary opinions on the nature of relationships that they probably formed by watching trashy TV. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have something great! He likes you enough to want to go long-term, he was dedicated enough to chase you for at least five months, it sounds like you two were pretty good friends even before you started dating, and you like him enough to go outside your comfort zone for him. So don't beat yourself up for not meeting sitcom relationship norms, because what you and your boyfriend have sounds MUCH better than a sitcom relationship to me.

I'm five years older than my boyfriend (29 to his 24; we got together five years ago), and we were both each other's first serious, committed relationship. We adore each other, and are talking about marriage. Being the "older woman" can definitely work (and some guys even prefer that).

My romantic experience looks nothing like what you hear from the "go-out-and-date-around-a-bunch crowd," and I honestly don't comprehend that dating paradigm. This guy likes you, and is serious about you, so his approach probably doesn't have anything to do with that kind of dating philosophy either. It sounds to me like he's really into you, and that you don't have anything to worry about.

Good luck, and enjoy yourself!

Those dudes saying that shit on the internet have zero bearing on reality: they're saying it specifically because they have no confidence in themselves, and they want to try to tear other people down because of it. I recall one whole multi-page rant by one of said basement dwellers about how the former lead singer of the Canberries had now "hit the wall" and "no man would ever want her again" and that this "should be a warning to all women".

Three weeks later, she was newly married to a sweet, attractive gentleman. And all the basement dweller did was lock the comments so that he didn't have to eat all the crow he deserved.

They're spiteful, hateful little trolls. Older women get with younger men all the time, older men get with younger women, and both men and women start to lose their looks as they age. Women have a limited time during which they can produce healthy offspring, but so do men. Live how you want to live. Your boyfriend is, too.

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[ SECRET POST #2185 ]

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