Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-01-25 07:38 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-01-25 07:38 pm
[ SECRET POST #2215 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2215 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
There is a moving gif in this post.
01.
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02.
[Rose McGowan]
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03.
[Puella Magi Madoka Magica]
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04.
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05.
[Fringe]
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06.
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07.
[Touhou Project / Axis Powers Hetalia: Romaheta / Kuroshitsuji / Homestuck]
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08.
[Being Human UK]
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09.
[Three Kingdoms 2010]
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10.
[Legend]
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11. http://i.imgur.com/fO4RU.jpg
[linked for kind of porny/suggestive postures of possibly underage character]
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12. http://i.imgur.com/T28p7.jpg
[linked for illustrated porny x 2 (clothed, but that doesnt do much)]
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13.
[Downton Abbey]
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14.
[Xia Junsu/Tarantellera]
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15.
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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]
16. [SPOILERS for Downton Abbey]
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17. [SPOILERS for Homestuck]
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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]
18. [WARNING for abuse]
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19. [WARNING for abuse]
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20. [WARNING for incest]
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Notes:
Late day at work, sorry.
Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #316.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - template ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
no subject
To the anon who was trying to say that smashing a child's belongings are not hurtful or abusive: you are just plain wrong. I didn't read any examples from the people who were trying to explain to you why you were wrong, so here's one, and I'll try to explain it as well as I can so that you understand that breaking a kid's stuff can actually have emotional consequences.
When I was about ten, my mom and I got in a fight. Actually, it was more just her yelling at me, because I was very shy and quiet as a child, and was terrified to argue back because of some previous childhood abuse. She took her arms and swept them across every surface in the room - my shelves, my dressers, my nighttable, my bookshelves. She threw plants against the wall. She smashed glass objects. She ripped books apart. She threw my clothes on the floor. The only thing she didn't throw onto the floor was my fish bowl. The whole time she was doing this, she alternated between breaking my stuff and screaming at me. I was standing against the wall, crying and hyperventilating.
She has since apologized for doing this and I am convinced that she is genuinely sorry, but to this day I have long-standing effects from this, and other similar experiences. When someone yells at me or raises their voice even a little bit, I completely shut down. I literally just can't respond. I can't think. My mind is blank. When I cry, I hyperventilate, especially if I'm crying because someone is yelling at me. I can't NOT have that physical reaction, even if it's just two people yelling at each other in close proximity to me. It even happens when I hear people yelling on TV sometimes. I also have a mild tendency to hoard because I'm afraid of letting things go. My mother has not only inadvertently taught me that's what mine is not mine and can be taken/destroyed by anyone at any time, that there is no such thing as personal belongings or boundaries, and that my feelings are not important, but has also basically conditioned these extremely emotional responses out of me in regard to yelling/breaking things (the hyperventilating). Although some of these problems are not entirely caused by that one incident and occurred over time because of a few different things, it was the culmination of these incidences that led directly to some of my current behaviors.
Anyway, I tried my best to explain. I'm sure that at least one person is going to accuse me of being weak and overly-sensitive, and I'm sure that stalker-y anon is going to come on here and tell me to quit whining and playing the victim card, but I hope that you understand a little bit more now how something like that can affect a child. You write on the slate of who they're going to be as adults. There is no excuse for trashing your kid's entire room because you had a bad day at work and came home to find that the dishwasher hasn't been emptied yet. To this day, it still wakes me up out of a dead sleep in a panic when I hear the sound of my dad's car pulling into the driveway and the garage door opening, because I was so terrified of my mom coming home from work every day. My brother also has the same reaction to that sound.
Edit: Also, I have pets rats. Have you ever had pet rats before? Have you seen what happens when you take/destroy their food or favorite toys? I've had rats in the past that were very submissive towards some of the more dominant ones, who would take their toys from them, steal food right out of their mouths, etc. Their response to it was generally to become depressed and antisocial. I've had rats before that couldn't stand having their things taken so much that I had to house them in a separate cage for the rest of their life because they either became very depressed, or went the opposite way and became extremely aggressive. A lot of these rats also later went on to become self-mutilators (i.e. barbering themselves). I've seen this happen with at least three different ones. My first rat ever, Nerva, was the runt of his litter in the pet store (which is why I chose him). There were about twelve of them in a cage that I wouldn't even have put three in. He was extremely small and the other rats would steal food FROM HIS MOUTH even if the food bowl was full. He responded by becoming extremely antisocial and aggressive towards other rats. We had four boys in one cage, and Nerva in a cage by himself because he just simply did not trust other rats. He got along fine with people and other animals, though.
Semi-relevant story, tl;dr @ self.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-01-26 10:36 am (UTC)(link)Maybe someone less sensitive wouldn't have kept this baggage, but fuck that disproven bullshit of doing mean things to kids because it will make them "stronger". Thanks for sharing, I hope sociopath!anon listens to you.
(Though I hope we're not breaking any rules by continuing a discussion from a frozen thread?)
no subject
As for whether or not we're breaking rules.. I hope not? We're not really arguing with Anon, we're just talking about personal stories, I guess.. I'm not sure. But thank you for posting, your response made me feel a lot better about saying something.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-01-26 12:49 pm (UTC)(link)My dad struggles a lot with anxiety, anger, and addiction and doesn't really have any friends or people he trusts. When I was a young kid I felt like I was responsible for pacifying or calming him down, even when he was upset about his custody arguments with my mom. In retrospect, even through our peaceful daddy-daughter nerd times (which were many because he was friendless, often unemployed, and incredibly childish and possessive about my several-days-a-week with him) I was always careful to not upset him. Ultimately, though, it was impossible for me to predict what would make him upset (because it was irrational, and not my fault, but I felt like I had to fix it regardless). He was never actually violent, or even especially mean (though I remember being told I should feel grateful that my father wanted to spend time with me and didn't just leave me to my grasping mother. NICE PARENTING ASSHOLE.) I wouldn't call it abuse, I don't think. Not like what your mom did at all. But I was an over-sensitive neurotic kid just like he's an over-sensitive neurotic man, and it hurt.
There isn't a lot of yelling in my life, but a few months ago I realised that I was freezing, unable to concentrate, and panicking when my partner would get angry and yell over his online gaming, almost crying if it happened a few times in a row. So, there you go. My extremely specific issues. What's that saying about every unhappy family being unhappy in their own way? I'm glad we both got to share :)
If there's someone tracking writing styles and over-sharing anons in this comm, they've totally got my number at this point...
no subject
The fact is that what you and I experienced are perfect examples of why responding to your child's minor infractions (or even MAJOR infractions) by smashing all of their possessions is inappropriate and maladaptive. You are not teaching your child that there are consequences to misbehaving. You are teaching your child that their boundaries do not exist to you, and you can do anything you want to them, because they're your child and you own them. You are teaching them that violence is an acceptable and normal response to mild annoyance. If you have to display violence or aggression of ANY kind in order to teach your child a lesson, then you're doing something wrong, because it really isn't necessary (or healthy). My mom, dad, and stepmother never laid a hand on me, and yet I can clearly point out all of the many maladaptive behaviors that I've accrued over the years because of their constant inappropriate responses to very small misbehaviors that I did a child (and I wasn't even a bad child. I still struggle to this day with trying to figure out what was so bad about me as a kid that forced my parents to abuse me in that way).
no subject
In addition to the lack of boundaries, it's an appalling show of disrespect for the child and his/her property.
A parent's own personal brand of butthurt does not trump their child's feelings of security.
no subject
I mentioned it upthread, and I don't know if the "property destruction isn't abuse!" anon is still reading anything here, but I basically explained that possessions are an extension of self, and thus property destruction is an assault by proxy.
As shady as I feel comparing property destruction to rape, it's kind of the same principle. The reason why rape is so bad isn't necessarily the assault itself - often times there is little to no physical damage - but because of the violation associated with it. It is a violation of bodily autonomy, and it makes your body not your own body, but your rapist's body to use for their pleasure or problems. Boundaries are nonexistent. And physical abuse can kind of lean in this direction, too, depending on type and context.
Destroying a child's property is teaching them that nothing is safe, and that "you", the parent and protector, cannot be trusted to protect them like you are supposed to. It translates into a constant, unending fear, because you depend on this person/these people for every single thing in your life (food, shelter, clothing, etc), and they cannot be trusted.
no subject
Anyway, tl;dr, I'm basically just repeating what you already said. Thank you for responding, though. You and the other Anon made me feel a lot better about what I said. I honestly thought I was just going to get a bunch of SJWs being all "STOP BEING AN OVERSENSITIVE CRYBABY TRYING TO GET ATTENTION, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON". So it's comforting to know that having that reaction is not me being stupid or irrational.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-01-26 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)I think all kinds of abuse have things in common, and you can get valuable insight from looking at the similarities. I also think this blogger (http://www.fugitivus.net/2009/08/25/a-few-things-to-stop-doing-when-you-find-a-feminist-blog/) has it right about the fact that the only way abuse can be trivialized is if you think that it's not always bad. I'd assume your understanding of rape is robust enough that a simple comparison isn't going to diminish your assessment of its harmfulness - or anyone else's.
I'm really glad that F!S on DW is a space where that kind of dismissive bullshit (SJWs being allowed to arbitrate what counts as real pain, and how one is supposed to feel about it) is a minority opinion. I don't know what we need to do to keep it that way, but it's the whole reason I feel like posting my secrets here or hanging out in the comments.
no subject
Thank you for the link, also, I'm definitely going to read that. Right now, actually.
no subject
I think it's the whole 'keeping perspective' thing that's fucked up society's way of thinking. Yes, perspective is a good thing to keep (such as, complaining about a bit of knee pain...until you meet the guy who has no knee to complain about), but if you (in general) are taking sympathetic words away from one person to give to another person you deem 'more deserving,' what have you really done?
On the other hand, I imagine worrying about every person with a problem would make your head explode. Still, it doesn't mean you should start firing off STFUs because some people's situations aren't as extreme as others'.
I also don't like the general idea of comparing pain, and somehow judging who gets to have the right to their own hurt feelings. How stupid. Everyone has a right to their own pain, their own grief, to whatever feeling stemmed from the bad thing that happened to them. (Of course, when idiots start getting carried away with comparisons and judgments, I like to fire back the Mother Theresa response.)
no subject
There are people who are in positions somewhat similar to yours who really do need to just realize the world doesn't revolve around them and their feelings. But assuming you aren't lying and your story is true (which is exactly what I assume until I get strong evidence otherwise) then you have been through a genuinely traumatic experience, and I'm sorry that people have told you otherwise. I certainly know what it's like to look back on your life and wonder if your perceptions of it is because it was truly traumatic or just because you're being oversensitive, and it's a shitty feeling, so: *solidarity fistbump/hug*
no subject
And I agree - there is a difference between a genuinely abusive scenario, and kids just being whiny or entitled (i.e. my mom kicked out my brother because of his drug abuse, his refusal to get a job or pay rent or finish school, the fact that he was eating all her food and contributing nothing, stealing from her, drinking all day every day, bringing his friends over who were stealing from us, etc. He ended up in a homeless shelter. He considered that abuse/neglect. Nobody else did). The difference between "actual" abuse and an oversensitive kid is only perception, though, because they can still be hurt by it, and that's a problem. The only difference is that in one case, the parent did something abusive and the kid got hurt; in the other case, the parent didn't do anything wrong and the kid still got hurt. It happens, but I'm much more inclined to believe that someone has actually been abused until proven otherwise (for example, like that scenario I mentioned in the other F!S thread the other day with my "friend".. I can't remember if you commented on not). And accusing someone you don't know of lying for sympathy or being oversensitive is at best going to make someone mad at you, and at worst is going to traumatize someone further. And I've almost never met an abuse survivor who wasn't told at some point by at least one person that they were lying, exaggerating, or trying to get attention.
When it comes to SJWs, the thing that bothers me so much about them is that they seem to think it's completely acceptable to insult, trigger, or harass somebody for a real or perceived infraction of any severity (usually not very), and that reeks of hypocrisy to me. Like, why do you think it's okay to potentially traumatize somebody because they did something you don't agree with or think is offensive or tasteless? I'm not sure how many of my posts you've read, but just the other day I saw a SJW on Tumblr get called out for spamming the inbox of a girl with an eating disorder with dozens of pictures of food - just because she didn't like something she said about fat people on her thinspiration blog (newsflash, she has a mental illness). And this is somehow a perfectly reasonable way for them to react, in their minds, because they're doing it for a ~righteous~ cause. Equality means you have to treat everybody with the same respect, even if you disagree with, or dislike, them. It doesn't mean "me and my oppressed friends have the right to never be offended or triggered by anybody, but we can do it to you if we don't like you".
Anyway, this thread isn't really about SJWs, so endrant. But I find it really interesting, like the anon above me pointed out, how many people in here are more offended by the idea of giving someone sympathy who doesn't deserve it than potentially traumatizing somebody who has been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused.
no subject
I'm afraid I wasn't there for that. What, exactly, happened?