fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2246

[ SECRET POST #2246

⌈ Secret Post #2246 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers]

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03.

[Downton Abbey]

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04.

[Death Note]

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[Star Trek TNG]

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[Girls]

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[Vampire Diaries]

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[My Little Pony: Friendship is magic]

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[Spartacus]

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[CSI]

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[The Bretts]

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[Steam Powered Giraffe]

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[Being Human]

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[The Young Ones]

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[God Bless America]

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16.

[Nerdfighteria]

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[Downton Abbey]

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[Disney's hunchback of Notre dame (Frollo/Esmeralda)/Titanic (Cal/Rose)/Once Upon a Time (Rumpelstiltskin/Belle)/Labyrinth (Jareth/Sarah)/ Harry potter(Ginny/Tom)/ Game of thrones (Sansa/Petyr)/ The Mummy/The Mummy Returns (Imhotep/Evelyn)/ Phantom of The Opera (Phantom/Christine)]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 076 secrets from Secret Submission Post #321.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ], [ 1 2 3 - troll secrets ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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(cont. from previous) But at the same time, I didn't know what to think, because I had never been attracted to a woman, as in the whole woman as a person, not just the body. And I was really rather boy-crazy at the time as well. So my sexuality became weirdly separated. Sometimes I would have fantasies about boys that I knew, or cute actors, and I would feel happy and like I was sort of at one with my sexuality, if that makes sense, because my emotional and physical responses were interwoven. Then sometimes I would fantasize about women, and it was only physical, but powerful. I felt so off in those moments, almost like I was being possessed. This went on for a long time, from early high school and throughout my twenties. I'm 28 now, and in the last year I have made some progress by trying to analyze what's going on. I understand now why I feel this way, why I'm attracted to the female body, and mostly I have found a way around those reactions when they occur. Meditation helps. But the problem is, they still do occur occasionally. I don't want to accept that I will always feel like this, but I can't imagine there is anything else I can do.

There's also another problem. I actually (luckily) have no problem forming friendships, whether with men or women, and I feel quite comfortable around my female friends. But I have an extremely difficult time trusting anybody with me intimately, and I have only ever had one boyfriend because of it. I was always afraid that he would find out that I was disturbed sexually, but even worse, I was completely repulsed by his sexual desire. I had no problem with his affection, but if he ever became aroused, I was terrified and disgusted. I don't even know why...maybe I just associated that with my abuser's sexual desire. Well, anyway, I have avoided romantic contact since then, and I'm also a virgin. At this point I feel as if I will never be able to be in a romantic relationship. Which is distressing, because I am a highly sexual and romantic person, always have been.

It's odd, because I never made the connection that I was sexually abused until a few years ago. I didn't even know you could be sexually abused by a woman. Or if it counted. I'm sad to say that I hated lesbians for a long time, because I thought they must be just evil or something. I fortunately kept that to myself, though, and am now over it. I still feel incredibly alone in this, though. I feel as if I told people I was molested by a woman, they would laugh and say it's impossible. And I have this sick, totally creepy feeling that says I'm so completely unworthy and undesirable as a woman, that I had to be molested by a woman instead of a man. I mean, that's so fucked up that even as I feel it I'm incredulous.

Reading this all over, it's a complete mess...but I don't know how to make it less messy. Well, anyway, if anybody knows how to help, or has advice as to what I can or should do, or just wants to share their own experiences with sexual abuse, I would be so grateful.

One thing to keep in mind is that you may always have had this orientation. There are many people who have romantic and sexual inclinations that don't always synch up. There's a lot of other stuff you have to deal with but this might not have actually been part of the baggage. We obviously don't know how differen't you'd be if your life was different, but we don't know how much it'd be the same either.

The other parts you've talked about are obviously more overtly detrimental. Trust issues, self doubt, low self esteem, none of these are unique. I don't say that to lessen your experience, but to remind you that you aren't alone.

You probably should talk about this with somebody. The fact you posted this shows that you do in fact want to talk to somebody. We don't know where you are but odds are good there is a therapist or a support group within your sphere of travel. Though a lot of support groups do tend to center around molestation by men, so you may not want to go to one without thorough research, as even if you find a group that you feel is accepting, you might find their experiences somewhat foreign to your own. Or maybe not, as I said, research.

I think you want to talk to somebody though. It may help you with the trust issues, which honestly is probably going to be the hardest thing of them all.I hope you are able to find peace and balance.

I'm really sorry to hear that that happened to you, I really am not good at knowing how to respond to things like this without sounding flippant or condescending (at least in my mind) but what happened to you was obviously not your fault and you're very strong to be able to talk about it like this. You sound well-adjusted and the aversion to sexual desire is extremely common in people who have been sexually abused -- I know that knowing that doesn't help but it's something that other people who have been abused usually have to work through and I'm sure that in time you will, whether or not you choose to have sex in the future.

And yes, women can also be abusers and I wish that more people were aware of this. It's good that you shared your story in that respect.

I think you should see a therapist. Talking about and working through your experiences might help you to accept them and move on.

I have a similar aversion to sexuality/other's sexuality towards me, too, though I was never molested as a child. I was...well, when I was very young I noticed that rubbing *down there* felt good. I didn't understand why it felt good, but I liked it. I spent my childhood hiding in the bathroom/my room and, ehhh, humping pillows or blankets. Whenever I was caught I was scolded, but I was never told *why* what I was doing was wrong. When I finally was old enough to realize what I had been doing, I was horrified and sickened. I hated myself and recoiled from anything sexual. I still feel ill and extremely guilty if I'm in a sexual experience/reading/hearing about anything sexual.

I am still a virgin and have no intention of ever having sex.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that as a child, OP. I hope you can find peace with it someday, and good luck!

What you were doing wasn't wrong! It sucks that you were raised in an environment where you were scolded and made to think that sex and sexual desire was wrong. Really the only thing you could've done that was wrong was do it publicly... it's totally normal for children to explore their sexuality in ways like that (even "playing doctor" with other children is normal)

DA

Might be where I'm from, by what does "playing doctor" mean?

Like, pretending you're a doctor and "examining" other kids by looking at/touching their private parts, or at least that's what it was here.

Basically what anon just said, mutual touching of private parts and such. Usually it's not even sexual, it's just kids exploring their bodies and learning the concept of sexuality, what parts of your body have a sexual connotation, etc. Not all kids do this obviously, but it's extremely common.

Sort of related, but one time I had a friend over in high school and we were watching television, and my [then] 8 year old sister ran in from the bathroom in a towel and yelled "Hey, guess what! If you put your crotch up to the faucet it feels really good!" Talk about embarrassing, heh

I think it's awesome that you were able to write all this down and share it with us, anon. And I think that can be a good first step - now maybe it will be easier to share it with someone face-to-face. I hope you are able to find a therapist with whom you are comfortable and who can help you. Maybe you could show this to them at first if it's really hard to get the words out.

I wish there were other advice or support I could offer you...just try to remember, I guess, that the gender of your abuser doesn't mean anything about the abuse, that it doesn't make it any worse or less bad and it doesn't make you any more or less "worthy" as a person. You were just the wrong person in the wrong situation and the victim of an abuser who happened to be female. Maybe stepping back and reminding yourself of this will help.

I hope you're able to find peace and work through this with someone you trust.

♥

I've nothing to add really except to again restate PLEASE go see a therapist. This is what they are for. You don't have to be embarrassed or scared, this is their job. They won't belittle your feelings or misunderstand you, this is what they know. I'm not saying shitty therapists don't exist, but I think this problem is too big for you to fix without some added insight OP. If your leg was broken, you would go get a cast. You were abused as a child, and now your life is being affected by it, go to a doctor.

I hope things turn out okay. Good luck.

Op here.

Thank you everyone who responded for your words of kindness and advice, and to anyone else who just read it. It is relieving just putting this here and allowing people to know. I do know that eventually I need to talk to somebody about it, and maybe I can at some point. I will hopefully someday find the courage to do so. Thank you again, I feel a bit lighter now.

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[ SECRET POST #2246

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)

Re: Sexually abused as a child - help (pt2)