fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2267 ]

[ SECRET POST #2267 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2267 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What is "sexual attraction"? Asexuals can have as much sex as sexuals, they just don't think their partner is hot? What?

I have no freaking idea why these are such hard concepts for people.

Sex=body parts rubbing against each other. That's it. A penis rubs thrusts in and out of a vagina, rectum, etc.; hands fondle breasts, dicks, legs, arms, clitorises, etc. and so on. That is sex. You don't have to have sexual attraction to have sex.

Sexual attraction is wanting to fuck somebody. It's lust. Really. That's it. The basic idea. It's looking at someone and thinking I'd like to have their baby, they so cute! I'm sure someone's going to argue this, but it's the basic truth. You can have sexual attraction w/o having sex.

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_attraction
"Sexual attraction is attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest.[1][2] Sexual attractiveness or sex appeal refers to an individual's ability to attract the sexual or erotic interest of another person, and is a factor in sexual selection or mate choice. The attraction can be to the physical or other qualities or traits of a person, or to such qualities in the context in which they appear. The attraction may be to a person's looks or movements or to their voice or smell, besides other factors. The attraction may be enhanced by a person's adornments, clothing, perfume, hair length and style, and anything else which can attract the sexual interest of another person. It can also be influenced by individual genetic, psychological, or cultural factors, or to other, more amorphous qualities of the person. Sexual attraction is also a response to another person that depends on a combination of the person possessing the traits and also on the criteria of the person who is attracted."

Yes, you can have sex w/out experiencing sexual attraction or lust. The body parts still work, presumably (no impotence issues, etc.). You can want to make your partner happy by having sex w/them, if the thought of doing so doesn't repulse you. Some asexuals find the thought of sex repugnant so they don't do this. Some asexuals don't find the thought disgusting and/or it makes them happy to have sex w/their sexual partner even if the asexual has no desire to have sex. The body parts still work, after all. It's really not any different to making your partner happy by going to work function (art show, etc.) that you're indifferent to (you don't hate the work function or particularly want to go, you just don't care either way). I bake. I sometimes bake bread to make people happy even if I'm not feeling like baking bread that day. Making them happy makes me happy(ier).

Yes, some asexuals even *gasp* masturbate. You feel horny, you masturbate. Even sexuals do this when they're in a relationship. Asexuals just don't experience sexual desire towards someone. They may get horny; they may not get horny. Some asexuals, when they get horny, don't want anyone to touch them, so they masturbate. Some asexuals may want to have sex w/someone--i.e. have someone touch their genitals when they are horny. But they don't experience sex attraction. They don't look at someone and think, oooooohhhhhh, I want him/her to fuck me! They get horny and if, in a relationship, may want their partner to have sex w/them, but, and this is key, THE PARTNER THEMSELVES ISN'T WHAT IS CAUSING THE ASEXUAL TO GET HORNY; IT'S THE HORMONES IN THE ASEXUALS BODY.

Why is this so hard to understand???? It's not hard.

why would someone be in a relationship with someone who isn't sexually attracted to them and only has sex to "make them happy?" That sounds like the kind of relationship that can only be sustained by the non-ace partner having horrible self esteem. most people want to be wanted, not done favors out of pity or mere "hormones."

Because relationships are, generally, based on more than sex? And *gasp* some asexuals *do* enjoy sex, they just don't feel sexual attraction to anyone.

Some [sexual] people are okay with their partners being that, and 'I'm doing this to make you happy' isn't pity - unless everything someone does for their partner to make them happy is, somehow, pity now.

NAYTR

Why would an ace person have a relationship with a non-ace person? It's not like they would want to be with them or anything, right?

No way! Nobody is in a relationship just because they like the person! That's just absurd!

Maybe they're closeted and going through the motions, making the nonace person feel like they're wanted when they're not, pretending to be sexually attracted to them.

But I mean that's totally cool if you're in a disadvantaged group you can totally do horrible shit to other people

...You do realize that there are plenty of non-ace people who knowing choose to be in a relationship with someone whose Ace, right?

...because maybe they just like the person a whole lot? You can want to be with somebody and want to spend your life with them without wanting to bang them, and some people are cool with that.

Sex and sexual attraction are not actually inherently necessary to an emotionally intimate relationship. Making sure both parties have their sexual needs and desires fulfilled goes a long way into making the relationship work and last, but those "needs and desires" can amount to, "not having sex that much/at all."

--different anon in a sexual relationship and still understands asexual relationships

This still sounds like the sexual person isn't being wanted, though.

I mean if you want to just be fuckbuddies, fine, but don't call it a romantic relationship. If you want to be in a romantic relationship and don't want to have sex, that's fine too.

But having sex free of sexual attraction in the context of an emotionally romantic relationship sounds like the nonace person is either being used as a sex doll or otherwise suffering and no, that's not terribly cool. That is sad.

I mean a woman and a gay man can totally have a sexual relationship but if she is in love with him and he's just fucking her because "hormones" I'd feel bad for her. How is this different?

da

What? Obviously, it's different because the ace would be in love with the sexual person. Maybe they'd even want to have sex with their partner sometimes, because it makes them happy to make their partner happy.

I don't really understand what your issue is. Are you saying that an asexual person can't have sex with a person they're in a romantic relationship with? That makes no sense. What makes you think the sexual person would be being "used"? Admittedly it can be hard for a relationship to work out when the sexual needs of the people involved are that different, but it's not impossible.

/diff

I'm asexual. If I were in a relationship with someone who wasn't and I loved them, and they wanted sex, they would get sex, provided I wasn't completely exhausted or in immense pain or something. Not because I was sexually attracted to them, but because I loved them and would want to do everything in my power to make them happy (because that would make me happy too!). I wouldn't feel like I'm being used as a sex doll at all.

It's perfectly possible as long as both people in the relationship are open and communicative about things. Some people don't mind doing things they don't really care about if it makes someone they care about happy. The anon above who compared it to going to a partner's business party (that one is not really interested in) is exactly right, it's like that.

Of course, I'm only one asexual and I'm only speaking for myself.

"The anon above who compared it to going to a partner's business party (that one is not really interested in) is exactly right, it's like that."

...this doesn't sound terribly romantic.

I guess I don't understand why a nonace person would want a sexual relationship with someone who approaches sex as a chore--a chore done out of love, but still a chore.

I mean obviously people deal with it but it sounds dismal.

Because the happiness of making my partner happy >>>>> the "pain" of doing a "chore". (I find sex neither painful or a chore. I won't go out of my way to get it because I simply don't care, but having sex with my partner would in no way inconvenience me.)

The comparison to the business party works because it too is something I don't care about, but will be happy to do for the happiness of my partner.

I don't understand why it's such a difficult concept to understand. Some people are perfectly happy just making other people happy.

...how the hell are you coming to the conclusion that the non-asexual person is being taken advantage of? Surely if anyone is using anyone, wouldn't it be the other way around?

I suppose if you're in a group deemed disadvantaged for some reason you can't possibly do anything hurtful.

I'm talking about asexuals who still want to have sex (but are still called asexual?). Basically having sex without wanting their partner sexually. Or something.

I'm beginning to think the term "asexual" is becoming increasingly meaningless. I have no problem with people who aren't attracted to other people but if asexuals want sex then there must be a better term than one that has the word sex in it.

They are having sex without desiring their partners sexually because their /partner/ wants sex even though they themselves lack that drive. Left to their own devices they would probably never initiate and wouldn't miss it if they weren't getting any.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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