fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2285 ]

[ SECRET POST #2285 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2285 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[NCIS]

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[Kirk Cameron]

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[Lindsay Lohan, Sean Penn, Sean Bean]

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[MCU/Marvel movies - NOT the comics]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

10. [SPOILERS for Spartacus War of the Damned]

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11. [SPOILERS for Dangan Ronpa]

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12. [SPOILERS for The Walking Dead]

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13. [SPOILERS for House MD]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

14. [WARNING for rape]

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15. [WARNING for abuse]

[the beatles]

Notes:

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Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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f!s, I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I broke off a friendship last night and it's been killing me inside all day. I've been friends with this girl for a couple years now and I really love her, but it's gotten more and more difficult to interact with her lately, to the point where it seems like we can't go a couple of days anymore without her doing something that leaves me so upset I just want to stop talking to her.

I took a break for a couple of months and had only sparing tumblr contact with her, but I came back last week and I've already left again because I just can't handle being made upset enough to cry just before bed.

I think we're just fundamentally incompatible because of the differences in the ways we resolve our problems. I don't want it to be true, but I don't think either of us are ever going to change. It hurts. I wish I could go back to the way things were when we first became friends, but it's too late. I've already said goodbye.

Since I'm wasting all this space I guess we can turn this into a thread for stories about leaving people behind and how it's affected you or something. How have you guys gone about the healing process?

Mostly time. It really stings at first, and everything reminds me of them, and I question myself ten ways to Tuesday about what I could've done differently, and I question every other relationship in my life as well. And then slowly, it gets easier, and I don't mind so much, and they mean less and less to me, and I start to feel more secure in my other relationships again.

What helps besides waiting is to put energy into the relationships in my life that really do work, so instead of feeling isolated and lonely and like I've lost something terribly important, I get to experience some positive social interaction with people who get me and remind me that I can still have friends.

Give it time and it'll hurt less.

I had a huge, huge, HUGE blowout with a friend of mine a year or so ago. We'd been growing apart since she got a WoW account and also she's hugely emotionally stunted and is basically like a teenager. She's actually older than me and is absolutely impossible to deal with when she decides you're wrong, and takes everything -- EVERYTHING -- as a personal attack.

It sucked to cut her off, but the truth is I was done with her bullshit.

I think we're just fundamentally incompatible because of the differences in the ways we resolve our problems.

I had a friendship like this once, too. Going to her for advice was kind of horrible, because we just looked at things so differently that any solutions she offered didn't work for me, and then I'd feel bad that I couldn't do it and it made me not like myself even more and feel even more jealous of her for her practicality and sensibility and all those things I admired about her. And still do admire her for, I guess.

I didn't even have the bravery to say 'I need to take a break from you' to her, even though I really did because she had seriously hurt me a few times and hadn't apologised adequately or at all.

It all ended with me messing up (oversleeping on a day we were supposed to go out) and her coming over to my house and shouting at my mother for the crime of telling her that sometimes bad things happen and we have to deal with them when they do.

To be honest, that's the only thing that still bothers me - that she shouted at my mother instead of me, and was so rude when normally, all she ever talked about was how people needed to be good-mannered and so on.

How did I heal? I guess partly by going through it all in my head, looking at the mistakes we both made, and coming to the conclusion, like you have, that we were just incompatible as friends and that at least I am not in that bad relationship anymore, even if I do miss the good times we had and regret that things couldn't have been more amicable. By finding other people to have more awesome friendships with. By having fun.

By getting on with things. That's really all you can do.

Good luck, anon. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. :)

Ah, I guess it's different for rl friends, too. I should have mentioned that we're--we were--only online friends who'd met once. I don't know if being in physical proximity to her would have made it easier or harder to work this out.

I'm sorry yours had to end so dramatically, especially in a way that dragged your mother into it too. That's really not fair at all.

For us it has a lot to do with something I saw in another recent f!s thread--she's a venter and I'm a fixer. So whenever she tries to tell me her problems, I try to offer solutions, but then she shoots them down and leaves to work on her problems alone and I'm left with all her heavy issues festering inside me and it's infuriating. It sounds stupid and selfish when I write it out like that--she asked me herself "so you blame me for making you feel bad?"--but I just can't handle it. She said she'd stop venting but I don't think she can change that and I don't think she should have to just because I can't deal with it.

She said she would welcome me back with open arms if I chose it, and I think that's the part that hurts most of all. I want to go back. Instead I'm slowly cutting off the ties I have with her, and eventually there'll be nothing left.

I'm sorry for rambling. Thank you. :c

I suppose it probably might be a bit different, yeah, though I don't know about harder vs easier. I'd guess it varies depending on the friendship.

Thanks. It still could have been a lot worse, and my mother dealt with it, but... idk. I just wish she hadn't done that, when it should have been me she confronted about my mistake.

Ahh, I see - that must be really difficult. I generally don't mind people venting to me, but the negativity builds up, doesn't it? :( I don't think you're stupid and selfish for not being able to handle that. From what I understand you're infuriated because you can't help a friend, and also that she keeps on venting, which is, as far as I know, a perfectly natural response.

Oh, damn. :/ Yeah, I can see how that would hurt a lot, because you're in control of how it goes.

But still... you probably are doing the right thing.

It's fine (I've rambled too... oops). I don't mind at all. I just hope things turn out alright, anon. :)

Best of luck!

I honestly thought I was reading a post from my future self. (Or my friend-like-this, but she was talking to me today so that can't be.) I'm sorry, I won't be any help, but I just want to let you know that you're not alone in this situation. I really hope that things will get better for you, and you'll be able to forgive both yourself and her. It's okay to do what you need to to take care of yourself. And I'm proud of you for taking that step - it's not easy to admit that someone you love is hurting you and end the relationship.

this past school year I lost my best friend who I even considered to be my [non-romantic] soulmate. after a long period of fighting and making up and still not being back to normal then fighting again, I finally kind of realized that she actually treated me like shit and I can live without her. it might hurt for a long time, OP. it might always hurt. but you will move on and you will be okay. just spend more time with other friends and try to peacefully let it go.

I'll try to take that advice. It's difficult because I'm away at uni and the only real friend I have here is infinitely frustrating to spend any long period of time with because she...I don't know, she always seems like she's one step behind my thought processes, and it's not like we really share any interests. But I'm trying to branch out and make some more friends. I hope it works.

I had the same problem! the only other friend I have really just doesn't click with me as well as my old friend, and sometimes it seems like she just doesn't get me. it takes time, but I'm sure you'll meet new friends soon!

The guy I'd been seeing for years gave me a This Is How You Suck lecture. I think he actually had some idea that he was giving me helpful advice on how to improve myself. I haven't spoken to him since. Unfortunately, all my plans for how I would construct an awesome life that didn't include him--word of which would somehow get round to him through mutual friends--have kind of gone by the boards.

Find distractions. Preferably offline or creative in nature.

This isn't really the same but I lost a good friend of mine two days ago. She joined a secluded convent and can only have limited contact with her immediate family. I am not her immediate family. I will never see or hear from her again for the rest of my life. I'm not Catholic so I hardly know much about it. I found out all of this because she sent me a letter which sent me scrambling to contact her so I could say goodbye. I was able to over text.

I'm happy that she found her path in life but I'm not going to lie. It hurt. It still really hurts. I cried. A lot.

The way I remain happy is to not only remind myself that's she's happy, but also that I have other people who love me who are still here. It helps that I wasn't the only one to have to say goodbye to her. I found out while my other friend who I watch Teen Wolf with was over and she did a great job at hugging me and distracting me and generally being really great. But the biggest thing that has helped me is that I keep reminding myself that I have to move forward. Time won't stop while I'm sad. I have things to do, people to see, and places to be. I can't stop. I don't want to. So I keep moving forward.

Edited 2013-04-06 01:39 (UTC)

Wow, almost thought this post was about me. But I don't have a tumblr.
Cannot help, sorry. Wallowing in my own misery right now.

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