fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2308 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2308 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Reading discussions here over the past few days, and idle musing on my own got me to thinking. I'm a trans man dating a trans woman, and one of the biggest issues is "passing"...

I don't really act much different from usual - I was always something of a tomboy - but I guess I do try to consciously thinking "what would a guy do/say here?".

My girlfriend is really big on shoes and purses and all things "girly". I support her choices, but I can't help sometimes thinking about how us trying to fit in goes along with reinforcing gender stereotypes, and I feel guilty, and all mixed up.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, really, but - thoughts?

I think both you and your girlfriend should dress and act exactly like you want to dress and act! Seriously, do what you feel is right for yourself don't let people dictate how you should act based on how they feel is the "correct" way to act.

No one is responsible for an entire community, we are only responsible for being ourselves and of course being decent human beings, but that goes without saying.

DA
But isn't that part of the problem? It's hard to know what you actually *want* to dress and act like. Do I really want this or am I just fulfilling a role? It's all part of the self discovery and it can be very confusing.

I dunno? I am not trans* so I can't exactly speak for that, just in a general what I think and feel.

I would assume that something like that comes with time, just like everything else? If you today want to dress and act really feminine or masculine that is what is correct for today, if you change your mind tomorrow or the day after or the week after that is also okay. Maybe over the years you will figure out whom you are, and even then that can change, which is true for everyone.

Personally I dress completely different from day to day, some days I dress really feminine and other days I dress in suits, I have some aspects of stereotypical Queer in my clothes and interests, some that aren't. Society has shaped me, just like it has shaped everyone else, but it is none other than yourself that can figure out what is the correct way for you to be.

~~if I didn't make it clear enough nothing that I said is specifically about trans* persons, it is just about people in general, which off course trans* persons are too!~~

Well said bb, well said.

DA

Maybe it's both? Filling a social role, AND something you want to do?

But social constructs are just that - constructs created by people. YOU can change them and mold them, make them different, make them better. In fact, you and your girlfriend are already changing them by living your lives the way you want to.

You don't have to follow the textbook guidelines of "how to be a guy" or "how to be a girl" - you can pick and choose, and maybe make those gender roles a lot more freeing for everybody else in the long-run.

But that's just my 2 cents.

I think people put too much emphasis on gender 'specifics'. I'm a cisgendered woman, but I've never cared for shoes, never owned a purse, and I'm not too fond of pink. None of that changes that I am a woman, though.

If you feel you are a man, than whatever you naturally think or feel is what a man would think/feel, because you are one.

Well, imo, the problem isn't so much with things being coded as masculine and feminine, so much as the way a lot of people end up degrading someone's individual identity for breaking the mold.

It's important to adhere to certain norms when you need to pass and fit in, and I don't think there's anything wrong with occupying "stereotypical" gender norms if it's something you feel is necessary, and more so if you enjoy those things.

You're just living your life, and you shouldn't have to put yourself on the line just because the rest of society is kind of shitty. Respect and acceptance doesn't really require you to change yourself when you're not hurting anyone to begin with.

I've often wondered if we didn't have such set ideas about what a girl/boy *should* be then would there be less trans* individuals? I know some people feel in the wrong body from birth, but not everyone is that way (speaking from personal experience and several trans* friends).

A lot of my trans* friends have all gone through hyper gender phases, where they are super into anything masculine or feminine, depending. Kind of an extreme way to show that they are a man/woman. They tend to fade a bit with time and become more themselves once more comfortable with their transition. (Though that does include some who just really do fulfill the stereotype interests.)

(I hope this makes sense and isn't offensive. I'm not always the best at getting complex thoughts into words.)

Act and dress how YOU want to and punch anyone who says otherwise in the face.

[ SECRET POST #2308 ]

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