[ SECRET POST #2379 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2379 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 046 secrets from Secret Submission Post #340.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Dysfunctional families

[(Anonymous)]

I try to stay away from anything family-focused because it's either, "You completely screwed me over and don't give a shit about me but I'll forgive you anyway and care more for you than you deserve because we're related," or, "Look, aren't our manipulative and abusive antics just ~so endearing~? Everything turns out okay in the end because family knows best so it's fine that we continually violate each others' personal rights and boundaries! LOVE US, DAMMIT."

And if it's not either of those, it's because there's some huge traumatic issue like rape or molestation or domestic abuse going on and it's just full of angst and police. I've never seen a representation where the members just simply don't get along and have that shown to be okay. I'm tired of running into shows preaching to me about how loving my family is OMG SO IMPORTANT regardless of the shit they pulled on me.

I think the only dysfunctional family I actually like and enjoy is the Winchesters, and that's mostly because it's set up that they're dysfunctional by virtue of being who they are and doing what they do, and it's still entirely believable that they care about each other in their own ways. Their actions make sense for the characters.

Re: Dysfunctional families

[blunderbuss]

I know how you feel anon. The societial concept that you must always love and forgive your family regardless of how well they treat you is probably one of the most damaging lies that we have. It gets even worse when actual conflict is mislabelled as 'dysfunction', like your legitimate feelings of anger and hate is just normal sibling rivalry that you're supposed to eventually get over.

There are a few 'make-shift family' movies that show that family is supposed to be about love rather than birth, but those are usually referred to as a 'surrogate family' that's an imperfect excuse for a 'real' one.

Re: Dysfunctional families

[(Anonymous)]

The idea that you MUST always love and forgive your families is damaging, but it's not a complete lie. People very frequently do love and forgive their families and/or old friends and people they've known for a long time regardless of the shit they pulled. It's part of basic human behavior where people we have close ties to generally get more of a pass for bad behavior than people we are more distant from, because it's statistically likely for people who are close to us to do the same for us when we're the ones who are behaving badly.

Re: Dysfunctional families

[blunderbuss]

The thing is though, if you want to forgive someone because you've been very close for a long time, that's one thing. But many times people think 'close' is the same as 'being related', so therefore being sisters for a long time is exactly the same as being friends for a long time, and deserves the same forgiveness. Which is of course bullshit, because you've never had a choice as to who your sister is.

Re: Dysfunctional families

[(Anonymous)]

There's a difference between "people DO forgive their families no matter what" and "people SHOULD forgive their families no matter what." The idea that forgiving and loving family members regardless of their actions toward you is a moral imperative IS a lie. People do it all the time, and that's their decision and they're entitled to make it, but that doesn't make it the only morally correct choice; that's what AYRT (or logged-in person YRT? I forget) was getting at, I think. Society is telling us all the time that you should forgive family just because they're family, and if you don't you're some kind of dysfunctional monster. That's bullshit.

Re: Dysfunctional families

[(Anonymous)]

It's not the idea that people do love their families that's the problem, it's the idea that people must love their families that's damaging.

You'll occasionally come across shows with a character that has distanced themselves from their family for whatever reason, and other characters will try to impress upon them why that's so sad and tragic, and they'll push the first to make amends with their family without even considering that the person may have a very good reason for the distance in the first place. And then the show will make it so that the family has let bygones be bygones and/or they've realized their mistakes and apologize, thus reinforcing the notion that family "forgives and forgets," instead of showing a more likely scenario where nothing has changed and the character is justified in their excommunication.

In fact, the fact that it is part of our nature to be more lenient to those closest to us should logically lend some support to the idea that when people distance themselves from their families (who would often otherwise be the person's largest/most reliable support system), they do so for very good reason. I know from personal experience that trying to survive without the safety net of a home to go back to or a family to rely on can be extremely difficult and trying at times, but it was still better than living with my family and putting up with their bullshit. We're not all cutting off our noses to spite our faces - sometimes the detriment far outweighs the benefit, and we shouldn't be made to feel guilty about getting out.

+9000

[(Anonymous)]

THIS. Everything you just said. Yes.