[ SECRET POST #2424 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2423 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 012 secrets from Secret Submission Post #346.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

12. http://i.imgur.com/KdGJKUi.png

[(Anonymous)]

If you think that liking the same fandoms as her would have held the friendship together, then that sounds like a pretty shitty friendship tbh. And you're probably better off without her.

You shouldn't have to force an interest in things in order to keep a friendship from falling apart.

[(Anonymous)]

I think a lot of people have felt this way. (hug) But it's not the fandom. It's just people, and to many people "internet friendships" are pretty unimportant or disposable. :(

[(Anonymous)]

she sounds like a terrible friend, op. if she is willing to break up a long-standing friendship over petty reasons and fandom crap, then you're better off without her. friendship should come naturally. it shouldn't be forced. just because you're shy and don't make friends easily, that doesn't mean you should have to settle with someone who makes you feel bad.

and having similar fandom interests (or other hobbies) doesn't neccessarily mean a friendship will work. i have met people with similar interests to me who i didn't mesh with at all, and i have met people that i have nothing in common with who ended up being amazing friends.

[(Anonymous)]

I had a best friend for 10 years. We had different fandoms. Vastly different fandoms, actually. I don't think being in fandom would've saved our friendship, as both of us had serious mental disorders to work through. I still miss her, but I have a lot more supportive friends in and out of fandom now to waste time pining for my old best friend.

Sometimes the reason you have a falling out could seem petty, but it's likely more that the straw broke the camel's back.

[(Anonymous)]

This x100. I had a friend for 15 years (we met in kindergarten) who I had everything in common with, then after a while we drifted apart and she finally decided to end it because I was "holding her back". I miss her sometimes. And it sucks going through childhood photos and having so many of her in them, because it makes me wonder what the hell I did wrong. But eh, that's how friendship works sometimes. People just get...tired of each other, I guess.

[(Anonymous)]

Losing, honey; losing.

[elaminator]

It sounds like you did everything you could to keep the friendship going but she wasn't interested. It happens, anon. I know it's rough, but it happens.

There was probably more going on than your tastes in fandom (even if she didn't tell you) and I doubt there was anything you could've done to salvage the relationship. Some people don't want to try to patch a relationship; they just want a clean break. Still, even if that's the case, don't blame yourself; it isn't your fault.

Maybe there were other factors, you know? It sucks not knowing, but it doesn't mean you weren't enough or that you made mistakes that drove her away.

[(Anonymous)]

I am wary of those who describe themselves as "quirky". What were the mistakes you made, and the hurtful things she said, OP? Let the fs hivemind analyze you, that you may traverse the trial by fire and come out a better, stronger person.

[(Anonymous)]

I know what you mean about "quirky",as it's used sometimes like "geeky" in a fake self-deprecating way, but sometimes it's used in a "um I'm kind of awkward and off with the pixies and have a strange sense of humour, please don't dismiss me off hand" kind of way, which I'm okay with.

[transcriptanon]

[Picture is the drawing of a (symbol, not actual fleshy organ) red heart split in two.]

Not secret: It's been over a year now since I had a falling out with my best friend at the time. We got along great, but she suddenly seldom spoke to me, and when I asked her why she said some hurtful things, and I'm sure I said hurtful things back. I apologized and tried to gently rekindle the friendship several times, but she wanted to go separate ways, so it ended.

Secret: I still miss her a lot and feel guilt over losing her, and I feel like if I had been into her fandoms this wouldn't have happened. We both belong to different fandoms and she was very passionate about hers. I was willing to dabble in what she liked a little bit, but I didn't really like any of the things she was into.

The break up wasn't about fandom, self, that's dumb. Then again, her reasons for that break up were petty, so maybe fandom was a part in what happened. I know I made some mistakes, and I feel guilty about it, but I almost feel worse that I couldn't be a fandom friend for her. We were close friends before this. I wish she'd forgive me and give us a second chance. Self, it's been a year. You need to move on, it's a part of life. Things probably wouldn't work out anyway because you aren't like her.

Bonus secret: I'm terrible at making friends and meeting people because I'm quirky, introverted, and shy. I've tried before but it never works out. I'm awfully disadvantaged when it comes to making new friends, whoops.

[(Anonymous)]

From the sound of things, OP, no, you're not like her -- you're not an asshole.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes friendships work and sometimes they don't. It just happens. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[(Anonymous)]

i feel like this could have been written about me. probably not, but who knows.

you're not the asshole, op.

[hiyami]

Don't dispair about making new friends. I was bad at it for a very long time but it got better. Never stop trying, but don't try too much, it throws off people if you come out as too needy. Balance is the most important thing.
People who will stand by you in the long run will usually take some time to befriend.

And it's also, mostly, about finding the right kind of people. People you get along with without having to be someone else entirely.
Again, it's a balance between being yourself and common sense, choosing what side of you to present to those people. Because not everybody will like every side of you.

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking as someone who is introverted and shy, I call bullshit on the 'it's hard to make friends because xyz' excuse. I'm sorry but social skills are exactly that: a skill. One that has to be practiced and learned and worked on. True, some people (extroverts, especially) are better at it than others but fandom is a totally different experience than real life.

Don't get me wrong, I know how crippling being shy can be (that stupid slow panic that builds whenever you think about involving yourself) but that's why fandom and, by extension, fandom friends are wonderful. You can practice being social (i.e. comment on here or elsewhere) and build on that. Yes, it's hard to make friends and, yes, like your former friend, it sucks to lose them, but fandom gives you so many opportunities to make new friends wherever you go.

I think it's time to let that person go, she's not worth torturing yourself over because, frankly, if you try (and keep trying) you'll eventually find some real friends that won't care what fandoms you're in one way or another (and that's a good thing!).

/rant (sorry, OP, I'm not singling you out or trying to invalidate how you feel; I just dislike seeing someone feeding themselves the same excuses I used to feed myself. Your friendship is worth more than that *hugs*)

[(Anonymous)]

I'm surprised by the number of people who are calling your former best friend an asshole. I don't think you are either, but we don't really know what happened here. I mean, you say she just suddenly stopped talking to you. She must have had a reason for deciding to break it off. Maybe she thought your personality and hers didn't mesh well anymore. Maybe she had real-life issues that drove her away from you. Maybe she had a whole list of completely and 100% valid reasons for breaking it off and going her own way. And we don't even know if she did try to talk to you about them, but she just couldn't get the words across right. We know that you say that her reasons were petty, but we don't know what those reasons are or if they were just petty to you.

That isn't to say that you're an asshole. I just don't think anyone's an asshole here. People drift apart. That happens, and it's okay. I just don't think that dwelling on that relationship is healthy. Focusing on how she broke things off with you will result in you will encourage you to find things that were wrong with her, rather than devote your energy to finding another circle to hang with.

And yes, I do agree with another commenter that it takes work to make friends. Lots of people online are awkward. Some people even suffer from social anxiety. It's hard for all of us to push to find people to talk to, but if it helps, a lot of folks who have the roughest time tend to find friends by going to communities where people talk about things that interest them or are relevant to them. Maybe give that a shot, and you'll find someone else to help you along. :D

[(Anonymous)]

Let me help put another nail in the "if only I'd liked the fandoms she liked" coffin.

Last year, a dear friendship I'd had for over a decade came to an end. We met through fandom, were very close for a while, even to the point of co-dependency for a few years. Even if we had different specific interests, they were always in the same general category (like we had the same favorite mangaka, but he loved one series she wrote above all others, I loved a different one).

Why did the friendship end? I started taking responsibility for my issues and getting help. My friend decided to stay in denial. When I found myself talking like a battered wife, enough was enough.

I'm in a much better place now, and although my friend pool is really small right now, they're all people who are truly loving and supportive.

I hope you find some new, good friends soon, OP!