[ SECRET POST #2442 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2442 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.


__________________________________________________



09.


__________________________________________________



10.


__________________________________________________
















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 045 secrets from Secret Submission Post #349.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[vethica]

I dunno how it works for everyone, but I can find someone attractive in looks or personality without finding them sexually attractive. In fact, it is how I'm attracted to most people.

[republicanism]

..but how do you differentiate finding someone attractive in looks & personality from finding someone sexually attractive? 'attractive in looks and personality' is all that goes into sexual attraction for me but i wouldn't consider myself demisexual

[vethica]

Like, getting turned on when thinking about them? That's sexual attraction, yes? If not, then I've been defining it wrong.

[republicanism]

ok so, from threads i am gathering that you consider yourself some variety of demisexual (correct me if i'm wrong). would you say that the reason for this is because 'attractive in personality' plays a much bigger factor (or maybe is the only factor) in sexual attraction for you? i'm honestly not trying to be a jerk or anything, i'm just curious

[vethica]

No, don't worry man, I don't mind being asked legitimate questions. :) I'm going to say that I'm not sure I can answer this, though, because I've only been sexually attracted to one person, and that's not really much of a sample size. I was romantically attracted to both his looks and personality before we started dating, but didn't become sexually attracted to him until we'd been together a few months. Sorry about the anecdote, but I think what I'm trying to say is: the reason I identify as demisexual is that I apparently do only experience sexual attraction under the limited circumstances described by demisexuality. So the only factor in my sexual attraction I can point to with certainty is "being in a romantic relationship with someone for a few months".

Did any of that answer your questions? Sorry, I'm kind of tired. ._.;;

[republicanism]

nah i think i get it. everybody has different experiences in terms of sexual attraction, but it becomes much more confusing (to me, anyway) when you consider that sexual attraction is also a concept sort of invented en masse, and people who study it extensively have only done so in terms of other categories--like the ones this op thinks of as legitimate, which are actually pretty restrictive considering the fact that sexual identity as a concept is relatively new. and some of the same people who cite the kinsey scale will be just as quick to defend how every category are absolutes exclusive of all the others! wacky.

when i think of it as attraction to looks, attraction to personality, and sexual attraction all being things that are separate but have some influence upon eachother then it makes more sense. i think i was getting hung up on the word 'attraction' in general.

so yeah, anecdotes have value. most of this shit started with anecdotes anyway.

[pantswarrior]

Oh hey, I can answer that. I'm asexual, not demisexual, and so although I can identify people who look or present as attractive to me, physically or personality-wise, they're attractive in pretty much the same way as my pets.

Much as with my rabbits and cats, I want to maybe snuggle up to them and touch them and pet them and maybe rub my face against them. And just as with my rabbits and cats, I do not want to have sex with them.

Like my crush on DeForest Kelley was well known in my circle of Trek fan friends, and someone once asked me what I would do with him if I had him alone for a night. I was like "...Uh. I guess I'd have him settle down and get comfortable and then I'd lay my head on his chest. :D" I think that was a disappointing answer...

[republicanism]

i think what was confusing me was the terminology--i don't think of 'attractive' as the same thing as 'aesthically pleasing'. i can certainly understand being able to evaluate whether or not someone (or something) is aesthetically pleasing without wanting to have sex with them (or even kiss them), and i think everyone is this way on some level. to use your example, i would never describe a pet as 'attractive' because i would never do anything sexy (which isn't limited to straight-up sex) with a pet. i suppose this is just arguing semantics, though.

i don't know i guess i just think about these things too much. what does 'sexual attraction' really even mean for most people? i'm sexually attracted to some people that i still wouldn't have sex with. it seems like there's a lot of lines being drawn but no consensus as to what they actually mean.

it's just... confusing, you know? if attraction isn't explicitly sexual and sexual orientation is about attraction asnd dafskdfk sdn UGH i just don't
i can't

thank you for speaking to me i'm going to go have another beer

[(Anonymous)]

Look at it this way, a gay man could find a woman 'attractive in looks and personality' but definitely doesn't want to have sex with her.

On the other hand, people can find others sexually attractive but find them repulsive in personality. The whole "They were cute until they opened their mouth" thing.

[(Anonymous)]

Dingdingding! We have a winner.
I'm a gay woman and I can still appreciate a good looking man. Doesn't mean I will picture him when masturbating.

[(Anonymous)]

Uh-huh. As has been said, welcome to the majority of the population.

I can look at somebody and think, "Hey, he's seriously hot" without getting damp panties. I can meet somebody and think, "Wow, she's got serious babe-charisma going on" without wanting to fall face first into her lap.

If either of these people want to sleep with me, they're going to have to be around enough, become well-enough known by myself, before I start thinking, "Hey, she's hot and magnetic and the more I know her, to more interesting she is and she just smiled that way at me for the fourth time tonight, whoa-doggies it's gettin' hot in heeeeere..."

[vethica]

Hmm, okay. You'd say most people are like that?

[(Anonymous)]

A great many of the people I know are like that.

The progression goes a bit like this:
1. Yes, that is a handsome man/pretty woman. Goes about daily life.
2. Yes, this is a handsome/pretty person who is nice, funny, intelligent, a great conversationalist or whatever draws you to other people.
3. Yes, this handsome/pretty person and I have things in common and that pleases me. I would like to get to know them better.
4. *looks again at person they like and whose company they enjoy* Damn, they're even purtier than I thought.
5. I really want to sleep with this person now.

[vethica]

Would you differentiate between being sexually attracted to someone and wanting to sleep with them?

[(Anonymous)]

I will be back, because this is interesting, but the family just got home. :/

[(Anonymous)]

DA

Yes, but I think that has exactly nothing to do with sexuality, and everything to do with being a rational person not driven by a/b/o dynamics. I can find someone hot as hell and not want to sleep with them because, for whatever reason, it would be a bad idea. Most people do that.

[vethica]

Exactly; I'd differentiate the two in that way as well. AIRT seemed to be conflating them in point 5, though, so I was wondering.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm back.

I need to add the Great Big Caveat that the five steps also apply to people who are not considered conventionally attractive, and to people you first look at and think only, "This person is no masterpiece."

And in my experience, no I don't differentiate it when it has become my own personal emotional perception.

I can recognize that by many standards, Person A would be considered to have a handsome or pretty face. I can recognize that by many standards Person A would be considered sexually attractive. These two things can go hand in hand, or not.

To feel sexual attraction effecting me is a whole nother ballgame.

And once I feel sexual attraction, then I want to sleep with that person.

[vethica]

Ugh, I think I'm getting too tired to read and answer this correctly. I'm not even sure at this point why I asked that question. @_@ I can come back to it in the morning, if you're still interested. Just. I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you. You seem pretty chill.

da

[(Anonymous)]

"most" might be overreaching

but I'd say anywhere from 25-50% of the population, yeah

i daresay low sex drives/not wanting to bone everything in sight are far far more common than people think

it's just that a) not everybody likes to label themselves as gray-ace or demisexual or w/e (I reject those labels myself even though they'd technically cover me)

and b) western culture is so sexualized that there's social pressure on people (especially men) to make pretenses at hypersexuality even if they're not really feeling it

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

DA

SERIOUSLY. Just because I find someone sexually attractive, does not mean I automatically imagine us boning.

Re: da

[vethica]

I don't think that imagining boning has much to do with it one way or the other. I mean, I imagine having sex with people who I'm not sexually attracted to, so.

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

also wrt a) some people are completely unaware of the fact that labels exist for such things and/or they don't find it that central a facet of their identity

[(Anonymous)]

Except that many asexual people have either no desire to have sex or have no sexual attraction towards any gender.

[darkmanifest]

That's what I usually call the difference between an aesthetic (looks) or friendly (personality) attraction, and sexual and/or romantic attraction. And yeah, I'd say it's really common. Usually framed in comments like "I don't swing that way, but damn that person is hot!"