fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2482 ]

[ SECRET POST #2482 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2482 ⌋

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Specifically, what's the overlap between people bothered by cheating and people who've been cheated on? I know cheating in fiction bothers me even though I've never personally experienced it IRL, but I seriously doubt the reverse is true (people who are okay with fictional cheating despite having been cheated on in real life.)

So. Any thoughts anyone?

I've been on both sides irl and it doesn't bother me in fiction.

I've never been on either side, and cheating per se doesn't bother me in fiction OR in real life. It is the finer circumstances that make the difference.

I'm like you - never been cheated on but infidelity, even in fiction, is a deal breaker for me.

Never been on either side IRL but it's an immediate no thank you in any media.

I've never been cheated on and netorare is literally the hottest thing.

Never been cheated on, and cheating in fiction doesn't bother me as long as it is not done by the characters I am supposed to consider good people or if it is portrayed as a harmful/not good thing. That or if it occurs during very specific circumstances where the character would not be in control/aware they are cheating (mind control, character A thinks character B is dead but they are not, etc) or if the relationship they are cheating on was not one they entered in with their full consent. So, cheating within an arranged marriage or something like that would not bother me as much.

Basically, a lot of context.

Never been cheated on, but yeah, pretty much this. Context. Context. Context.

Agreed, it's all about context. I do hate fics that treat it as an excuse to 'bash' a character though. Like Xander and Anya are together but someone gets with Anya (or Xander) and the other characters then act like it's fine and justifiable and Xander deserved it (vice versa with Anya being cheated on too.).

I don't care about it in fiction or real life. I'll never understand why someone would care what other people do with their genitals, assuming all partners are consenting.

But why go behind your partner's back? If you don't think "only have sex with me" is a term worth abiding by, why not say that? The worst thing that can happen is that you'll lose that partner, and if you're going to trust one person enough to make them your partner in the first place, it's important that you be able to be honest with them. (Or forget about the whole "partner" thing, keep a stockpile of condoms, and just have yourself some casual sex with whoever's willing.)

If your partner is okay with you having sex with someone else, it isn't cheating.

If it is cheating, then all partners aren't consenting - all sexual partners are, but not all emotional partners, not everyone involved.

Even all sexual partners aren't if the cheater is having unprotected sex with both partners.

Re: I'm really curious about something

(Anonymous) - 2013-10-20 01:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I'm really curious about something

(Anonymous) - 2013-10-20 02:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: I'm really curious about something

(Anonymous) - 2013-10-20 13:52 (UTC) - Expand

All sexual partners aren't fully consenting if either of the cheater's partners agreed to intercourse based on the impression that the cheater was being monogamous with them.

Tbh, for all that cheating tends to be linked to sex, it's really more about disrespecting boundaries that both parties agreed to within the relationship. So, if it was expected to be monogamous? Then sleeping around is cheating, but if that was something both parties agreed they didn't want, then sleeping around wouldn't be cheating.

In fiction, I think people get upset over it either because past experiences, or because it hurts a character - usually involving character[s] they relate to.

I mostly get upset over it because there's often a moral dissonance where I'm supposed to accept this major lying and violating of boundaries as an ok thing because ~heat of the moment~, which is an excuse that just really doesn't fly any more after the age of 15 or so.

In fiction, I just think it's a lazy way to interject drama and the consequences are very trite, because the perpetrator always expects to be forgiven and considers it deeply unfair when they're not. So your first paragraph is correct, but it's not necessarily about how the character who's been cheated on feels.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2013-10-20 18:14 (UTC) - Expand

Outside of any emotional stuff, STD risks are a big reason.

A lot of people have unprotected/less protected sex with a long term partner because they know that if both of them came in without STDs and aren't having sex with anyone else (or anyone else that they haven't vetted) then there isn't much likelihood of any STD being passed between them. If one of them is cheating, then the other person is suddenly being put at a risk they have no way of knowing about and dealing with. If you don't know they are having sex, how are you supposed to know if they are having safe sex?

Not just STDs. In het relationships at least, there's also the possibility of conceiving extra-pair children. There's a situation in my best friend's extended family where a wife found out her husband had been keeping a whole other family on the side that she had no idea even existed. He had like four kids with her and three kids with the other woman. It was a huge clusterfuck all around. Everyone was traumatized (except for him, he refused to acknowledge he'd even done anything wrong, the creep) but especially the children. Just a total mess every which way.

Re: I'm really curious about something

(Anonymous) - 2013-10-21 14:15 (UTC) - Expand

It's not the sex, it's the "breaking of the contract".

In short, relationships are effectively emotional contracts. If/when you assume that one of the terms of the contract is that you only engage in sexual activity with each other, then if someone goes and has sex with someone else behind your back, then it's breaking the agreed terms.

As crude as the analogy is, it's a lot like how certain corporate contracts work. You can only do X business practice with Y company, and if you go and do X with Z company, either you pay serious penalties or the contract is nullified.

As others have pointed out, if your partner has agreed to you seeing others/sleeping with them/etc it's not considered cheating. And the idea that a relationship excludes sex with anyone outside of the relationship is very much a cultural construct, and not inherent to human relationships in general (i.e. in some parts of Japan, affairs are seen as acceptable as long as you continue your duties to your family at home). In both cases, there is effectively a "non-exclusionary practices clause" in the relationship "contract" - your first 'duty' is to your main partner, but as long as you keep that up respectably then whatever else you do apart from that isn't an issue.

Re: People don't like broken contracts

(Anonymous) - 2013-10-20 03:56 (UTC) - Expand

Re: People don't like broken contracts

nyxelestia - 2013-10-20 04:21 (UTC) - Expand

I've been cheated on irl by an ex-fiancee so...yeah. When it comes to fiction it really depends on both context, and how it impacts the story - which is to say, if it drives the story forward, then I may not like it but it doesn't really bug me that much. If it's just thrown in there for no real reason beyond ~DRAMA~, then it irritates me.

...But that really has nothing to do with the fact I was cheated on, tbh.

I have never been cheated on irl, and I enjoy it in drama if it's done well. My husband, however, was cheated on in a previous relationship and has no patience for characters of either gender who do it.

Like to me, Skyler White's affair was completely understandable because her husband was an emotionally unavailable, lying murdering drug-dealing dickweasel, and I liked the scenes that resulted. But in my husband's mind, she instantly became That Cheating Whore and he could never sympathize with her or even tolerate her scenes again (which was problematic, given how important her scenes are in later episodes).

TBH I feel bad for him for having this mindset because it seems to rob him of fully enjoying certain media.

I've been cheated on several times in real life and it bugs the crap out of me in real life. In fiction? If it's dealt with right, then fine. It doesn't bother me anywhere near as much.

I've cheated (in my ex- partner's eyes anyway) and been cheated on- it bothers me.

I never cared for cheating storylines, but I wasn't really bothered by them... and then I was cheated on for at least eight months by the man I was with for several years, and was very very much in love with. I was hoping for a proposal, and he was fucking another woman and lying to me constantly. He was a very good liar and I trusted him. It nearly destroyed me when confronted with the truth. Now I can't stomach any infidelity in fiction unless it's treated by the characters as the shittiest thing you can do to someone you love.

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