[ SECRET POST #2503 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2503 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 105 secrets from Secret Submission Post #358.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

08. http://i.imgur.com/su8X5xC.png

[(Anonymous)]

It's not necessarily you. Some fandoms/fannish spaces are apparently just as clique-y as high school, full of mean kids who like slamming the clubhouse door on new people.

(I also personally wonder if fandom has changed. In my experience, ten or fifteen years ago, when BBS and forums were the primary spaces, almost every fandom seemed a lot friendlier and welcoming of newbies.)

[(Anonymous)]

I think fandom is less welcoming these days, too. But like you, I was around in the BBS days and my age is one of the things that makes it difficult for me to connect with people in my fandoms because I usually only meet young people who are still in school. I don't care about their homework and I don't expect them to care about my mortgage.

It was easier for me when my fandoms were on LJ and we could be in communities together but now it's all on tumblr and it's almost impossible to avoid personal posts. I can tumblr savior stuff if they consistently tag but most of the people in my fandoms don't do that with personal posts.

[lyndis]

I'm caught in the middle. Older than most, with adult responsibilities, but I decided to go back to school after a work injury. I occasionally whine about homework (because I miss doing "real work") but for the most part younger people annoy me.

I have zero trouble making fandom friends, but keeping them? Eh, it's like real life for me. I'm pretty dull and I'm the type of person to have one or two really great friends and a shitton of acquaintances. I'm okay with that, though. But the younger gen comment reminded me of what it's like at college. It sucks. A lot of the young people are so ignorant about life in general and I can't stand hearing them talk. I think sometimes the same happens in fandom and my patience isn't what it used to be! D:

[egret]

Delurking to say this describes my experience exactly. Glad it's not just me.

[(Anonymous)]

The last few times I poked my nose into a new fandom space, I was pounced on by someone desperate to prove their fandom cred by trying to demonstrate that I knew less about the source media than they did or had a poorer understanding of its background/characters/etc. Basically, SJW crap but with fandom instead of social justice and bit less frothing rage. It has made me kind of gun shy about trying new fandom spaces.

When I used to post on BBS, it seemed like everyone was always happy and excited when new people joined. I never had a problem integrating myself or finding people to talk to.

Yeah, it's changed.

[nyxelestia]

It's...not as drastic as some people make it out to be, but definitely fandom is less friendly than when I first started out, and I've only been in fandom for about a decade. There was a bit of meanness back then, but it tended to be isolated incidents of cruelty that were painful but ultimately easy to ignore and pass off as singular assholes, rather than the kind of low-level but constant hostility you see today.

I have a lot of theories on on how and why it turned out this way, but most of them boils down to the sudden growth of fandom over the last several years, combined with the increasing parallel powers of anonymity and/or making a name for yourself online.

Re: Yeah, it's changed.

[hlagol]

If you ever get the writing bug and expound on this theory in multi-paragraph form, I would totally read it an comment. A+ for fandom change-over-time theories.

Re: Yeah, it's changed.

[hiyami]

I wonder if it has to be with the fact that before, it was mostly people who were a bit awkward / had unusual interests who spent time online. So they knew what it was like to be bullied or ignored and they were super happy to get to talk people with the same interests.
While now everyone and their dog is online, and that includes all the IRL bullies that used to not find any interest in being on a computer.

Also, it's become vitally important now to seek online popularity... the stories of cyber-bullying and those teenagers who committed suicide after being harassed on websites like Ask.com make it obvious.

[(Anonymous)]

Fandom has totally changed in the last few years. And you're right about it being super clique-y now. It used to be a lot friendlier and more welcoming in the past. Now... not so much.

[(Anonymous)]

Being interesting doesn't really make you friends, does it? It gets you attention from and included by a certain kind of person, but those people aren't necessarily going to be your close friends. I say this from experience of being an "interesting" person IRL. What makes you friends is trying to connect with people, not waiting for people to connect with you.

[fingalsanteater]

What makes you friends is trying to connect with people, not waiting for people to connect with you.

This is true, but fuck if it isn't frustrating sometimes. I'm usually the one doing the connecting to in my relationships and sometimes you just want someone to come along and be interested in you for a change.

[hiyami]

Yeah, but sadly the world is divided between people who are taking initiatives and people who aren't (also some people are busier than others, some are better at keeping in touch than others, but that's another factor)

After a while I have accepted that either I feel the relationship is worth doing the connecting, or it's not and then I wait.

I do try to be the one that reconnects when the last contact came from them and I couldn't make it to whatever activity they proposed because I was too busy, though. Some people are shy and will stop asking if they get a rebuff, thinking you looked for an excuse to not see them. *shrug*

[(Anonymous)]

Ugh and on my side I never know how to initiate/reciprocate because I feel like my "interestingness" is superficial and I can't imagine why people would want to talk to me.
I am sorry you get frustrated, especially because I am certain I frustrate people in the same way...

[fingalsanteater]

I'm the generally liked, unassuming, mostly unnoticed girl online and off, so this secret speaks to me. I feel yuh, OP.

[hiyami]

Your assumption is that being interesting = being liked.
A whole clique of people formed on my former board and created their own cliquy secret board, basically on the basis that they felt some people on my board were intellectual or elitist, while they were average so couldn't compete.

Mind you, there were only like 2 people who did, on occasion, make despising comments. The clique that formed of "average" people was by far the majority. But they never spoke out much about the issue, only left gradually to create their friendly board for uninteresting people.

Last I heard, most of them are still a big group of friends who meet on occasion (they're not in the same area).


Sooooo...
Basically your choice is to mimic what people who are popular do in your fandom circles, even if it's dull shit, and be all nice and smiles and not too edgy (a lot of people, even in fandom, react badly to anything too challenging). That should work.

Or trying to post interesting (but not agressively. That never workds) things and hope a few like-minded people will notice. That works, but it's slower, and only usually attracts a few people.

[lyndis]

I want to add that "aggressively interesting" = attention-seeking, sometimes. If you try to sound too "interesting" people will think you're a showoff, i.e., LOOK AT HOW COOL I AM WOW GEE WOW.

More than "being interesting" is "being friendly"--saying hello, asking people how they're doing, commenting if you can think of something to say (be it intellectual, witty, fun, friendly), and so on. I try to make new people feel welcome, I gradually immerse myself into a fandom, etc and so on.

However, I haven't really tried in a number of years to be noticed, but I will say that talking to people is the best thing. You can contribute fanart/fanfic/crafts to your fandom too and that nets you friends pretty easily, especially if you're the type of person who wants to improve; there are tons of english majors and hobbyist writers in fandom (in all fandoms, really) and they enjoy helping teach people how to write better and there are a lot of artists too, who can offer advice if you want it. And if not, people always like seeing fun new art and fanfic! :)

[ashcat]

I agree with this whole comment. Most people who I would term 'aggressively interesting' are not someone I'd want to associate with or my friends would. That type of attention seeking behavior is a huge turn off and if it's not to someone, then they will think you don't want friends since you aren't communicating with anyone or making friends then you must not WANT to make friends in that fandom. After all you're so cool/interesting you probably already have tons of friends or whatever you're trying to portray yourself as.

Being genuine and friendly will result in a lot more friends than interesting will. Be someone that isn't a big gossip, who keeps their confidences, who can be counted up on for others and that will net you way more friends :) and make you a good person if you care about that sort of thing.

Ask people about themselves, you're already in fandom so you have a built in conversation topic! Nothing invasive or divisive, what's their favorite character, favorite scene, favorite part... why? Build conversations on these types of things and then just share your thoughts too.

Making friends online and offline are all on the same principles. If you can master it on one you can translate it into the other :)

[(Anonymous)]

In my fandom, people tend to be attracted to the interesting people. And I don't mean, aggressively interesting attention-seeking people, just those who seem, ya know, interesting. I think it's a tumblr thing. Interesting posts=more attention, especially when there's a million other blogs out there with the same stuff.

[mimi-sardinia.livejournal.com]

I don't try to be aggressively interesting, that is a description I cannot associate myself with, so the idea of behaving that way does not sound like I would be behaving like my true self.

I just try to be me, and try to comment in places. If I can make friends doing that, then those are friends I want to know, not ones made by being something other than myself.

So basically? Be yourself, even if "yourself" is a putz (as your highlighted text puts it).

[(Anonymous)]

How to make friends 101*, online and off:

1. Ask people questions about themselves. Respond to their replies.
2. Remember things about them. Ask follow up questions later.
3. Establish points of common interest. Talk about those interests.
4. Start to plan to hang out together e.g. let's go have coffee, or let's chat at this time.
5. Note if they do the same for you over a period of time. If they do, they're a keeper.

Ta da!

*Note that none of these instructions are 'Be aggressively interesting. Wait for friends to surround you, like moths to a flame.' No matter how interesting you are, no one is going to want to stick around unless you're interested in them as well**

**Unless what you really want is adoring fans rather than actual friends. In which case, you need to be powerful and interesting - ever considering becoming a BNF?

[(Anonymous)]

... and what if you do 1, 2, and 3 and get treated as if you're invisible? ` Especially 3 (and I'm not talking about swaggering in and being all "Well, I'm here now!" in a discussion, I mean repeatedly making small attempts to join in conversations over a period of months and being entirely ignored. )

There are fandoms I'm almost literally bursting to talk about with someone, and I've given up hope that I'll ever find any place to do so.

[arcadiaego]

Was the placement of nos 7 and 8 accidental??

[weaselbee]

I think I get what OP is saying. On tumblr and big fandom spaces it seems that you really only notice the more visible, active participants in fandom who are "interesting." Maybe they're BNFs, I don't know. The smaller people are harder to find. And these interesting people already have plenty of friends. For them and other people to notice you and take the time to forge a relationship, rather than just politely answering your question, it seems like you have to be interesting too.

[(Anonymous)]

How does being 'aggressively interesting' work out for people anywhere, let alone online, I just don't understand. To me, that translates to 'kind of intimidating', and what with the Internet being full of shy, awkward people, I just don't see how that's a good way of marketing yourself as an approachable person.

The folks online I see with tons of fandom friends are interesting and talented, sure, but they're also friendly, helpful, and humorously self-deprecating.