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[ SECRET POST #2527 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2527 ⌋

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Lately I've started to think I might be asexual so I've been looking at different websites about it. I keep coming across people talking about 'coming out' as asexual and I don't exactly understand it.

If I had come to the realization that I was gay then I understand telling people that. But why should I be expected to tell my family and friends that I'm not interested in sex? Why is it any of their business?

I'm still trying to figure it out so I don't even know for sure if I am but I don't feel comfortable with the idea that if I do end up coming to that conclusion I'm supposed to tell everyone I know about it. Why?

Am I missing something? Can someone explain to me why it's something I should feel the obligation to tell everyone?

Some people like telling people so they don't make the assumption that they're straight, but I get not feeling the need to.

Edited (English is hard) 2013-12-04 01:32 (UTC)

I can see telling people if you want them to stop asking you about your love life.

I'm not asexual, but I think it has to do with people letting their families know so they'll stop trying to set them up with people or bug them about dating.

There's no necessary to coming out no matter what your identity is. It's about personal choice and what you're comfortable with.

I've told my family I'm asexual because they kept talking about it, about setting me up, making jokes about sex and me and just loads of uncomfortable things so I eventually just told them why I'm not interested in it.

But it's not needed. Tell who you want, keep it to yourself if you want, do whatever you want.

As someone with the libido of a dead fish I can tell you that you're not obligated to tell anyone, let alone everyone. It just might be useful information to share on a contextual basis, but you don't have to sit your parents down and say "mom, dad, I'm not sexually interested in anyone."

"well uh that's... we're okay with that, anony, but when are you going to give us grandkids"

lol It's more than that, though. Asexual means you lack sexual attraction, and that's something that is always constant. So telling your parents "Hey, sorry, I'm never having sex so no grandkids!" would be important if they want some.

... duh?

And, what adoption and/or sperm banks are barred to asexuals? You really don't need to tell you relatives the ins and outs of your sex life. It would be just as easy to say, "If I want to start that phase of my life, I will."

That is not something parents have the right to know, nor do they have a right to grandchildren. If they ask, you can just answer that:

a)I don't want children
b)I plan to adopt
c)I don't know, maybe
d)I want to be a foster parent
e)I am planning on using a sperm bank
d) I don't really care about having biological children
e) any combination of the things I listed about

Also your sex life be it the lack of, is no concern of your parents...

Well, it depends. There are a few reasons why people would mention they're Asexual: Parents want grandkids, someone wants to date/have sex with them, friends who want to hook you up with someone, etc

Are you serious right now? No, there is no obligation to tell everyone you know. Why would you seriously think that? If you're not comfortable doing it, don't do it.

People "come out" as asexual the same reason people come out as gay or bi or lesbian or whatever. Because they want people to know.

You don't have to come out as anything, ever! You are not required to be a poster kid or carry the flag for other people. Not ever! And the sooner people realise this the better!

Only person who would ever need to know you are Asexual is your partner, no one else have any right or need to know about your sex life or lack thereof.

I haven't come out as bisexual to half my family and I am at the moment dating someone the same gender as me, but I have dated men before. I have no idea what my family thinks my sexuality is, and to be frank I don't care, it is not something they need to know. Only time sexualities are needed to be known is if you want to date someone, and want to make sure you have compatiable sexualites.

Ignore all the nonsense about having to tell anyone anything because you don't. You don't even have to tell your family/parents if you don't want to. When they ask about grandkids, just say, "I'm not ready yet."

And if you want kids, adoption, sperm banks, and egg donors/carriers are all things.

We live in the age of the over-share but that doesn't mean you have to follow the trend if you don't want to.

No one is under any obligation to come out as anything - that would just be crazy. The reason I "came out" as asexual was mostly so that I can spread awareness. There are lots of people out there, especially in their teens and early 20s, who are extremely confused about "being different" from their peers, and when I was that age, there were no resources for asexuality. Young people should know that it's a possibility, and that if they happen to be asexual, it's okay. Like the websites you mentioned looking at - there were none, and so those who were confused had nothing they could even stumble across in search of more information.

And then there are those who think that sex is an absolute, a necessity, a simple fact of human existence. They judge people and call them liars or mentally ill or whatever if they say they're not attracted to anyone. I have seen this NUMEROUS times in my own life. I am out because I want to help spread the word, correct misinformation, and spread acceptance, so that these people are no longer the norm.

In short, I "came out" because someday I want it to not be a big deal to "come out" as asexual, and if I can help with that in some small way, then that's a good enough reason.

How much do you think the wording matters? I guess you could say I'm "out" to my family and friends in that I explained it to them, they know how I feel, and they know not to try to set me up and not to expect grandkids (in my parents' case) but I never specifically used the word "asexual" because it honestly didn't occur to me at the time.

I definitely understand where you're coming from as far as awareness, though, because you're right--when I was figuring it out there weren't any websites and for a long time I just felt like there was something wrong with me. I don't want any other kids to feel that way, but I'm wondering how important it is to say "it's called asexuality, and here's a website where you can go read about it" vs. "some people aren't interested in sex/relationships and that's totally fine and there's nothing wrong with it".

What do you think?

I think you need to say as little or as much as you're comfortable with and not worry about whether you used specific internet-approved words. =) I myself am comfortable speaking out and confronting people (well, most days), so I intentionally put myself out there, and explain in great detail if the subject comes up. Some people don't like conflict or just don't have the spoons/patience to deal with questions, so they don't ever say anything. That's fine. The outspoken people are trying to make it so the non-outspoken people don't ever have to explain anything if they don't want to. =) My way is definitely not everyone's way.

So if you want to be an advocate/resource, it is a good idea to use the specific words that other people are likely to use. If you just want to get the basic idea across to people who know you, use whatever wording seems most appropriate for your situation. (Honestly, not EVERY instance of low attraction/lack of interest in relationships and sex falls under the "asexual" category, despite what some folks say - so especially if you're not sure, there's a good reason to not be specific.) The main difference between those last two statements is basically education vs. reassurance, and either is a good thing to offer people, under most circumstances.

That makes sense. I'm not outspoken at all (I wish I was, I feel like it'd make my life easier in general) so I have a hard time with sharing personal things about myself but I wish I could be an advocate because asexuality is still something that very few people seem to know exists.

(Honestly, not EVERY instance of low attraction/lack of interest in relationships and sex falls under the "asexual" category, despite what some folks say - so especially if you're not sure, there's a good reason to not be specific.)

That's part of it, too, I think. I use "asexual" online because it's easiest (and online it's more likely that people will know what it means) but I'm not entirely sure how well it fits as a label, honestly. (In a way I kind of feel like my sexuality is constantly fluctuating...just when I think I have it nailed down, I'll figure out some other aspect of it or gain some new perspective on sexuality in general that makes me question mine all over again.)

The main difference between those last two statements is basically education vs. reassurance, and either is a good thing to offer people, under most circumstances.

The one thing I will do is say something whenever someone is giving someone else a hard time or saying things in general about how everyone needs sex and/or relationships and if you don't you're weird. Who knows if someone who's listening to that is someone that isn't interested themselves? No one needs to feel like a freak. I don't really do anything beyond correct them that not everyone wants those things, and if someone doesn't it doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. I wish I could be more outspoken about educating people, though...I guess that's something I need to work on.

No, you don't need to tell anyone unless you want to. Like you said, it isn't their business.

Probably necessary for people with families who are traditional and therefore particularly invested in that person procreating. Really, it depends on the situation and pressures you're dealing with.

There is no ultimate reason for coming out as gay, bisexual, trans, etc either, tbh. Unless the situation demands it, it's kind of a case-by-case decision.

It's not an obligation, and honestly the idea that asexuals are even capable of 'coming out' makes me feel so much second-hand embarassment.

But sadly people do like to make who you do and don't wanna fuck their business, ergo the need to tell them so they'd lay the fuck off already. I've mentioned asexuality to drop the hint so that people will goddamn stop asking me if I'm boinking my BFF yet.

I don't think you need to tell anyone your sexual orientation, no matter which one it is, but I'm really pretty private about most things. But yeah, being gay/lesbian/bi might be interesting to mention if you're in search of a partner. Mentioning you're asexual might be useful when you are still interested in a romantic relationship and there is an option for one, but you want to put a warning up that you won't be interested in having sex.

I only told my mother I was asexual after she kept annyoing me with her constant nagging about why she didn't have any grandkids yet and that she really wants some. Considering that she didn't believe me, because apparently, asexuality doesn't exist, I probably just should have thought up a different excuse.

I think it kind of depends. If you're looking at it from an identity standpoint (especially if you're aromantic) and you want people to stop bothering you about trying to find a relationship, I see where it would make sense.

Otherwise, I don't think it's completely necessary to tell people what you're into (or not) sexually unless you're planning on dating them.

Even the kid thing doesn't totally make sense to me because there's no reason an asexual person couldn't have kids if they wanted. It might make it a little more difficult or complicated, but it's still an option. Saying that was the reason for not having kids would be kind of like saying you're not going to have kids because you're gay, even though gay people are totally capable of having kids. If you don't WANT them that's a separate issue, and you can just tell people you don't want them. There are plenty of people who don't, regardless of sexual orientation.

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[ SECRET POST #2527 ]

Is it really necessary to tell people this?

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