fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2538 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2538 ⌋

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I'm sorry to offload my worries, I just need to get it out somewhere at the moment.

My grandfather is dying of cancer, they found out about two weeks ago and he's only got a short time left to live. This is the first relative I'll ever experience die and I really don't know how to deal with it.

My father made me the offer to read him an email that I write, like a good-bye letter. And I've written one, but it seems so insufficient and shallow.

The worst part is, I didn't have a lot to do with my grandparents the last few years and I'm holding quite a few grudges over it... and I've forgotten a lot about them. So writing about my fond memories with him and how I'll always love him felt very fake.

But still I'm crying and very confused about my feelings and I don't know what to do at the moment. Also I'm thinking maybe I should've held back the letter and let someone else look over it and see if it's really as shallow-sounding as I think or if it's okay. But at the same time I would beat myself up forever if I had sent it too late. Just I don't want anyone in the family to think I just crapped up the letter? There's a lot of thought in it but idk... just a lot of saying thanks for this and that, it's pretty random.

This post doesn't have a point sorry :(

My grandfather died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I was never close to him or my grandmother, so I didn't feel sad about it. I did feel bad that I didn't feel bad about it, though. I can understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry that's happening to you, OP. :(

I don't think there's ever anything we can really say that won't seem insufficient and shallow in the face of the death of a loved one. Our words just don't hold up to it. I think as long as you've put what thought and love you can into the letter - and it sounds like you have - you've done what you can; ultimately, there are no words you could find however long you searched that would be sufficient for this purpose. And I'm sure he'll appreciate that sentiment, and the meaning behind it. And like you say, it's better to say it, even in a way that's flawed, than to leave it unsaid. No one will think you crapped on it, and if they do... well, screw em.

I'm sorry for you, anon. It's always tough to be in a position like this. You have my sympathy. Just remember that it's okay to grieve and that however you do it, whatever you feel, it's ok. We are complicated, and this shit is complicated, and often shitty. You'll be okay. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry I don't have anything much to add, but what anon said is true; I don't think there's any right thing to say in this kind of situation because nothing will ever feel like enough. Do what you can; it'll be appreciated.

I've had to "say goodbye" a fair few times and I can tell you everything you wrote is ok. Even if it felt hollow to you, just hearing from a relative (however estranged) can be a great comfort. Don't worry about your relatives thinking you crapped out the letter - guarantee you they're ALSO having a hard time sorting out what they feel and finding the right words to say. Everyone grieves differently - there's people who won't find a single word to say but will be there with silent support, there's people who can't STAND to talk about it and disappear until they deal with it on their own, there's people who channel all the feelings into activity... and, honestly, nobody will have the emotional energy in this situation to judge your letter.

Also, please know it's OK to feel the anger and the grudges you're feeling. One thing I did that helped a lot when someone I had VERY mixed feelings for passed away was to get out two separate pads and spend a bit of time writing down all my grudges and anger on one and all the positive memories or associations on the other. Then I burnt the negative one. It can be cathartic to just get it all down and out (or imagine yelling it - even REALLY yell if you have the privacy).

[ SECRET POST #2538 ]

saying goodbye to my grandfather

Re: saying goodbye to my grandfather

Re: saying goodbye to my grandfather

+1

Re: saying goodbye to my grandfather