fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2555 ]

[ SECRET POST #2555 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2555 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Attack on Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin]

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03.

[The Muppet Movie]

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04.

[Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]

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05.

[Frozen]

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06.

[Once Upon a Time]

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07.

[Dissonance]

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08.

[Zooey Deschanel]

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09.

[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]

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10.

[Eona: The Last Dragoneye]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 038 secrets from Secret Submission Post #364.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 2 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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05. http://i.imgur.com/oJZRpU5.png
[Frozen]

I feel you, OP, though it's not a parent for me. Taking care of others versus taking care of yourself is a very tricky balance.

Do you have your own therapist? If not, can you get one? It's good to have someone else who knows what's going on in your head so they can help advise you on when you need to put your own needs first.

[Picture is Elsa from the CGI animated film "Frozen". She is a young woman with light skin, blue eyes?, very light blond hair pulled back and wearing royalty-style clothing looking sad and teary-eyed. There is some text written next to her picture: "Elsa: Don't let them in, don't let them see; Be the good girl you always have to be; Conceal, don't feel, put on a show; Make one wrong move and everyone will know."]

[Text from the secret maker]

One of my parents has been in a pretty unstable condition lately, both physically and emotionally. Because of this any show of negative emotions makes them stress out and ends with them becoming sick.

Ever since I saw this movie, I use this mantra to keep everything bottled in. It really helps me maintain a cold, unfeeling exterior, allowing me to continue functioning and allowing them to be calm and happy.

I know this is not healthy, but I don't know what else to do.

Secret Because: Isn't one of the themes of this movie that holding everything in doesn't work and ends up making everything worse?

Some background info on this secret. My mother has cancer, and it's been really hard on her obviously. Since I am the only child still living with her, the responsibility of staying calm and unemotional falls on me. As i don't want to stress her out any more than she is, I do whatever i can to not be sad or depressed or angry. Usually this is ok, but sometimes it gets to be a lot to handle.

I understand this. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer less than a year after my father died. It's difficult to deal with. I really hope that you have some outlet to deal with it, even if it is just a friend to talk to. And I also hope that everything works out for you. *hugs*

I'm sorry, OP. That sounds like a terrible, depressing situation for the both of you.

I've been doing my best to take care of (and spend time with) my mother too (who, as far as I know, doesn't have cancer), so I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you guys. Obviously you mean well and I'm sure she appreciates your support, but you need to take time for yourself, too.

IDK how you do it without showing emotion. :( Holding all those feelings inside can be really toxic. I hope things improve, but try to think of yourself too; she wouldn't want you suffering either.

I'm so sorry, OP. If you can, get a friend to listen to you or, if you can afford it, a therapist. From experience, it's better to let it out than let it consume you.

Best of wishes to you and your mom, OP!

Edited 2014-01-01 01:13 (UTC)

Completely off-topic, but who is that in your icon?

She's Oruha from the manga Clover by CLAMP.

Please don't take this the wrong way but maybe therapy would be good for you right now. Someone that is there just to listen to you. Just because your mom is sick doesn't mean you should have to turn off your emotions. That isn't healthy and hopefully your mom wouldn't want that either.

This. It's wrong and unhealthy for you to have to turn off your own emotions to make someone else happy. You have just as much of a right to be sad and depressed and angry as she does.

This. You don't necessarily have to see a psychologist, you could see a counsellor. Going to therapy doesn't mean you're weird or strange - people go for all sorts of reasons, help with career & finance issues, marriage/family stuff.

If you have someone to vent to (even if it's just a friend), it could help you keep up your strength.

I agree with all of this. As someone who has been through a similar situation (but nowhere near the same *hug*) it's important that you take care of yourself, too. Best wishes to you and your family, OP.

Many cancer support groups also extend help to the family members of those with cancer, OP, and I really recommend trying to find one. My mum had cancer and I know how utterly soul-destroying it can be, so please find yourself some help and support.

I really think you might have found a good coping strategy. As others have said, Elsa was trying to suppress her feelings, not just trying no to show them. As long as you acknowledge how you feel to yourself and don't try and pretend to yourself it's not happening, there's nothing wrong with remaining calm on the outside.

I work in setting where we hear some incredibly disturbing and tragic stories. What we have to learn and practise is a professional detachment, getting emotional isn't going to help our patients, we need to be calm and help them, try and reduce their distress rather than add to the chaos and pain. That's exactly what you are doing in a way, imagine if your Mum went to see the Oncologist and they started crying? I really feel it's a useful skill OP, as long as you can express your feelings to someone else, as we would do with a supervisor for example.

Also you might find it helps to play the soundtrack? Those songs are fantastic and maybe the emotion in the songs will help you express how your feel, you know that thing when you sing along to something and the emotions can be really cathartic.

I've been reading a lot about self-compassion lately and it sounds like it could maybe be useful to you. Make sure you're being kind to yourself inside your head and comfort yourself for your suffering. Kristin Neff's book "Self Compassion" is great, and she has a website and videos too. You're going through such a hard thing and you're obviously a caring and loyal person. I hope you find relief.

Elsa was trying to not even feel things because she wanted to control her powers.

However, getting through the day, we often conceal our emotions to varying degrees. Some situations warrant more conealment of emotions than others, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Additionally, there are some people who just never show much emotion in the first place and that isn't because they don't have emotions - they just don't show them.

Try "disconnecting" your facial expressions and body language from what you are actually feeling, rather than "not feeling" something in the first place so as to not impact your expressions and body language.

In other words, focus on the "conceal" bit - and forget the "don't feel" bit.

I hear you, secret poster. My situation isn't exactly like yours, but they line up on the parts about family, illness, and everything in the lyrics you posted. Thanks for introducing me to those lyrics, by the way- they're incredibly apt and I'll be thinking of them.

It is the point of the movie, but it's a different situation. In yours, the outcome of more stress for your mother would also be more stress for you. So I don't know if you can do anything else for the time being.

This being told, as others have said, it would probably help you to find an outlet where you can express your feelings and talk openly about your concerns, whether they are related to your situation or not.
Before escalating to therapy, try to find support groups for caregivers, either online or in your area. There has been more of those in the past years, as people have finally realized that those who help also need help to be able to go on.

And that they have the right to live, and not feel 100% bouncy all the time.

Take care of yourself.

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[ SECRET POST #2555 ]

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Secret 5 - Frozen (2013 animated film)

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There's a difference between SHOWING emotion and FEELING it.

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