fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2558 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2558 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Frozen]

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[Cabin in the Woods]

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[Trailer Park Boys]

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07. [posted twice]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

08. [SPOILERS for Elementary]

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09. [SPOILERS for Zelda comic]

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10. [SPOILERS for Breaking Bad]

[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

11. [SPOILERS for Dan and Mab's Furry Adventures]
[WARNING for suicide]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #364.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I can't be friends with anyone who knowingly cheats on their partner or knowingly goes after someone in a committed monogamous relationship. I just can't see the the same way anymore, and how easy it is for them to hurt someone like that for their own selfish reasons. I also think in the back of my head, if they can do something like that to them, they can do it to me.

I guess this makes me a harsh person, but I can't change how I feel. To me it's an end of a friendship.

This is something I really struggle with because nearly all of my closest friends have been participants in cheating, and a few of them have the old "they were the one in a relationship, it wasn't cheating for me" train of thought which I completely disagree with. But then, they're my friends. I just try to remind myself that nobody's perfect and that most of these behaviors were when they were all young. But yeah.

Could I ask you if your friends who do this tend to take responsibility for their other actions? It's just, I did drop a friend who I found out was cheating by knowingly going after someone in a committed relationship, and she would always try to pin the blame on other people for stuff she did. I didn't notice this until after I ended my toxic friendship with her, but when I look at it in retrospect of how she acted, I'm glad I got out because she was a really selfish person who refused to take any responsibility for her life.

I used to feel bad about cutting contact with her, because she left a lot of screaming messages on my phone and in my Facebook inbox about how I'm such a bad person for not being a loyal friend. But now that I'm out of that environment with her, I can't help but feel I made the right choice.

ayrt

Tbh it sounds like you totally made the right call on that one.

The weird thing is that my friends who have cheated are usually the type to really take responsibility for their actions, but when it comes to the cheating they excuse it all or say it's a blameless act. It's really, imo, out of character and I think that's why I can keep them as friends, because it is so out of character.

Is it, though? The kind of thinking where you justify an act that looks very inexcusable from an outside perspective tends to be the kind of thinking that's surprisingly pervasive. It's sort of like saying that someone is a great person, but occasionally they do this out of character thing and rob a convenience store. But! They have a good reason for doing so* and they're not really at fault even though they took the money. Is the person who stole a good person who had this weird glitch about robbery, or are they a thief who mostly manages to behave themselves?

I could see a justification for your friends dating a person who's cheating, but calling it a blameless act is maybe pushing it a little far. Nothing that you have the choice to NOT do that results in so much pain is blameless.

* For this analogy to work we must assume that this reason isn't stealing out of sheer necessity, because your friends don't need to have a relationship with a person in a committed monogamous relationship, they choose to do so.

Thanks. I feel a lot better health wise too. I have a heart condition, so I can't take a lot of stress. And my ex-friend would constantly pressure me to do certain things I wasn't comfortable with because of this "no responsibility" attitude. I kept refusing to do it and she'd give me hell for it. So thank you for reassuring me that I made the right choice.

Well, your friends have a point but there's no honor in being an enabler for bad behavior, either. I hope they at least acknowledge that much. When you knowingly engage in a relationship with someone who has to cheat to do so, it's like sneaking someone vodka when you know they'll get drunk and do something horrible. Sure, they'd probably get drunk and do something horrible anyway if that's what they're into, but you don't have to be the one supplying the booze...

Same here, minus the worry that they could just as easily betray my trust. For me it's more that I really have no sympathy or respect for anyone who could do that to another person. Any respect and affection I might have had for that person plummets to zero the second I find out they cheated and after that it's like my brain goes "okay no more being friends with you!"

Haven't read the comments yet, but kudos to you, anon; this means you have discerning taste in friends. People like that are not worth the time of day.

[ SECRET POST #2558 ]

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