fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2625 ]

[ SECRET POST #2625 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2625 ⌋

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Why do the little mistakes I make cause me to feel like a horrible failure? My life is actually coming together. I'm in school. I have a job. I have career goals. I have a summer internship that will be amazing.

And yet I'm feeling like a failure because I made some stupid financial decisions and still haven't quite mastered the art of adult finances yet. Not even a big deal, just miscalculated on my loans a bit and forgot to pay one medical bill. But my brain is blowing it way out of proportion and telling me that I'm a failure as a person and am never going to amount to anything and can't do anything right.

Why can't I have perspective?

Were your parents perfectionists or otherwise very demanding of success?

(Not saying they have to be Tiger Parents or anything, but even a fraction of that extreme can be very damaging.)

Not exactly. But I was severely depressed in high school and it was mistaken by laziness for everyone, even my parents. And I experienced a lot of bullying both from peers and teachers.

So I have it in my head that I'm unlikeable. Like, I know my parents love me and all, but I'm never sure they or anyone else actually like me. And I'm always beating myself up over every little mistake or wrong thing I say. I still obsess over stupid things I said years ago.

Unlikable? Well, I think you're pretty cool.

Everyone makes mistakes, financially or otherwise. Don't beat yourself up over it, and especially don't beat yourself up over your past. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, and you deserve to cut yourself a little slack.

I get this way a lot too. Wish I had better advice for you but:

First off, you have to kind of acknowledge that a lot of this is irrational. Like you said in the OP, you worry about money and career and being an adult even though you know that, for the most part, you have things under control. You worry about your parents loving you even though you know that they do. So even though you worry about these things, you also know on some level that these are not rational concerns. Right? So just try to keep that in mind.

And try to just talk to people about things and open up - it can be difficult to do, but I often find that even just the process of trying to verbalize things forces me to put my concerns in perspective and brings me back down to earth. And people can be really understanding and helpful. Don't be afraid to lean on people, anon.

Feeling like you have no idea what you're doing is completely normal. I've got a career, an apartment, and I am the mother-trucking master at finances. I still feel like I'm a fraud at this whole adulthood thing. You are not alone.

I never like internet-diagnosing, but you sound kinda depressed. Is there anyone, a friend or a doctor, you could talk to?

You might also want to investigate financial literacy classes. Check your local library. They might know of something that can help you.

Oh, I am depressed. And on anti-depressants. Just on a bad period I guess.

Do you have a doctor/friend/religious leader/relative/anyone you could talk to about this?

Not really. Used up all the free concealing appointments at my university for the year.

Woops. Anon fail. Oh well.

Edited 2014-03-12 00:17 (UTC)

Hmm. Does your school have a psychology/psychiatry major? The teachers there might know of some resources in the community. I mean, it's their field so I imagine they have some local contacts who might be able to help.

Maybe? I'm in the law school, so I don't know much about the regular undergrad. I could check it out, though.

It's worth a shot. What have you got to lose?

Hey, I just wanted to say, I've dealt with depression (I have bipolar), and we're both in several communities so I've seen you around. If you ever need to talk, all my contact info is in my profile. (If you IM me please send a message telling me who you are first because I have gotten a lot of bizarre stuff.) I don't know if you have folks to listen, but that at least, I do well. :)

You can have perspective, but it's something you'd have to work at. I know what you mean about obsessing over small mistakes. It's anxiety-related, I think... I'll lie in bed trying not to think of all the stupid things I said or did over the course of the week/month/year/my whole damn life. It can be crippling, which is why you cannot let it happen.

Easier said than done. But I think being aware of this habit and actively working to stop yourself from listening to the voice that says you're a failure because you missed a bill payment will be a big help. Everyone's made mistakes like that, anon. You're not alone, and it will NOT ruin your life. You're not a failure.

Another thing that might help is deciding on a plan to help avoid those mistakes in the future. Missed a bill payment? Set yourself up a calendar for bills with due dates and reminders. Feeling like you're doing something and that you have a plan to deal with these issues might help you feel better.

I wish I knew what to say to help you...but please do get some perspective. I wish my life were half as together as yours.

I know. I'm trying. And I know that 5 years ago, there is no way I could have been where I am today. I'm making progress. I just can't seem to stop the thoughts that tell me it isn't good enough.

Chronic perfectionism?

Also, sorry for my earlier comment being kinda rude. Besides, I've been getting things together and doing much better lately than before, so I should not complain.

Edited 2014-03-12 03:53 (UTC)

Dude, please don't try and tell someone who sounds like they're experiencing depressive thoughts to get some perspective. There's a good chance that they already do have perspective and are fully aware that they have no logical reason to feel as shitty as they do, and then just feel worse because they feel bad, and fall into a negative cycle of feeling bad and then feeling bad about feeling bad and so on an so forth...

Depression and depressive thoughts aren't logical, and trying to approach them from a logical standpoint really doesn't help. The only thing I've ever found that helps (other than anti-depressants) is to try and block negative thoughts before you get pulled into them (and blocking does not involve going 'I shouldn't feel bad, stop feeling bad' it's basically going 'Nope, not going to think of that at all, lalala, ignoring you'.) but even then there'll be times you trip and fall into a pit of feeling like complete shit for no good reason because part of your brain is basically glitching.

Okay?

I have depression too and it's a big part of the reason my life is the shambles it is right now instead of being all orderly.

I was being a bit bitter and I realize that. I in fact apologized to OP elsewhere in the thread. This comment, days late, seems a bit odd in light of that.

Why can't I have perspective?

You're not old enough yet.

What you have described above, dear OP, is what is colloquially referred to as "being in your twenties." Your brain is finishing up the last bits of its development, so a stray wire may spark off here or there at random. The only prescription, unfortunately, is time, and the willingness to cut yourself some slack, because you're still figuring things out. It's okay to still be figuring things out. Even for the next ten years. And maybe even the next ten years after that!

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