fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2631 ]

[ SECRET POST #2631 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2631 ⌋

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My last non-kid-having friend just found out she's pregnant. She's the oldest of our group and the only one that's actually mature and responsible so I'm sure she'll be a great mom but I hate being the only one left without kids and a husband. I basically lost all the rest of my friends when they had kids. Now that their kids are a little older they do have "girls nights out" but I've only gone a few times because they literally talk about nothing else except their husbands and kids.

I mentioned how I felt to my mom and she told me I'm being selfish and that getting married and having kids is a part of life that everyone eventually does and if I want to be the "weird one" and not do those things myself then I'm just going to have to accept losing all my friends. Gee, thanks Mom. :/

:(

Your mom sounds really bitchy.

You should seek out new friends. Is there a hobby or a sport you could pick up that would let you hang out with new people? I'm not saying ditch your old friends, just find new ones to fill in the time.

Seconding this on both accounts.

Also maybe try to catch your friends alone? Maybe they're not in super mommytalk-mode when they don't have other mothers to share their motherstory stuff with.

Seconding both of you. This is great advice.

I'm inclined to agree with this. My siblings are older than me, and they're really in that domestic stage of life - neither of them have kids, but when they're with my Mom or even together, they're all about what their new wallpaper looks like and stuff like that; when I get them alone, we talk about our shared interests. So maybe that's the trick - with the understanding that when you're the only non-Mom there, they may talk about their kids a lot.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You're not weird. Lots of people don't want kids. I'm one of them. And there's no reason we can't be friends with people who have kids as long as both sides are willing to put in a bit of understanding and effort. Have you talked to your friends at all about how you feel excluded?

What on earth? First off, your mom is wrong about everyone having kids or that it's the only fulfilling and selfless path in life. It's great to want a family and kids if you can financially and emotionally support them. But please, don't ever have kids because you're being pressured to or because someone tells you everyone else is doing it. Kids aren't for everyone, and amazing selfless people who are happy with their lives and who don't have kids exist. Likewise, there can be some pretty selfish parents out there. Also, kids can sometimes pick up on not really being wanted by their parents, so it's not really fair to them.

Have kids because you want to raise a kid to see them grow into their own individual with their own aspirations in life. If you can never see yourself being happy with kids, then keep ignoring your mother about this. It will save you from lots of disappointment and family dysfunction. And just a reminder, there's plenty of successful, happy, and selfless adults who never want kids. Stay strong, anon.

There's absolutely nothing selfish about not having kids if you don't want them. In fact, having kids just because it's socially-expected when you actually don't want them is much worse, imo, both for the kids and the parents. Besides, getting married and having children aren't typically just things that happen to people -- you don't mention whether you want a husband (or are even into guys -- or romantic relationships), but if you DID, it's not like you can just pop down to the husband store and pick one out.

It's completely understandable and valid to feel lonely and abandoned when your friends stop being available or only talk about things that are completely irrelevant to your life when you do see them. If you're looking for solutions, I might suggest trying to expand your circle of friends by participating in groups, clubs, or activities where you might meet some like-minded people with whom you might have more in common? Regardless, you're not selfish or weird, and your feelings are legitimate.

Echoing everyone else: seek new friends! There are plenty of people out there with no interest in having children. Not having kids frees you up for hobbies and travelling and loads of things that you wouldn't be able to do otherwise.

Join a club or pick up a new sport or activity. Heck you could even try volunteering.

I came about this from the opposite direction, OP. I was the first person in my group of friends to have kids. And, I don't know, it's so different, having this other, tiny person that you have to consider 24/7. I tried to stay up with my circle of friends, and stay included, but it was impossible. I was excluded more and more often because I guess I was a wet blanket? I don't know. We barely ever talk now. I've made new friends, but the loss still stings.

This was me too. My husband and I had our first kid really early in our first year of grad school. We lost every single friend we had. We were 350 miles away from home and every single person we'd befriended dropped us like hot cakes because we couldn't go out to the bar at the drop of a hat. It was super demoralizing and lonely.

I don't understand why people over the age of 21 think you're useless if you won't do bars. Even when I was 21 I didn't like drinking that much. People suck.

Are you having these issues because you wish you had a husband and/or kids? Or is it that you prefer to be single/child free, but don't like the disconnect with no longer really being able to relate to your friends?

Either way, I'm sorry. :( Most people do end up having kids (though your mom is dead wrong, it's not a thing everyone does and she shouldn't be talking like that) and it does change peoples' lives. I do think they probably don't realize they're alienating you, but it would be nice if they made more of an effort to include you.

getting married and having kids is a part of life that everyone eventually does

Hahahahaha no. There's plenty of people who either A) don't have kids/don't plan to have kids, B) who aren't the primary parent of their kids, or C) whose kids are grown so they're free to socialize. All those people are potential new friends, OP, and they're probably looking for new buddies, too, when theirs start falling away to new parenthood. Just, whatever you do, don't let attitudes like your mom's pressure you into reproducing before you're ready, or at all if you aren't interested, just to not be the "weird one".

Okay, here's what you do. Invite your friend over for some pretext, but spray some cooking oil on the top of your front steps (works best if it is a really long set of steps). Afterwards, offer her some raspberry leaf tea to calm her down. Also you probably want to crush up some birth control pills into that tea, nice high dose.

Problem solved.

You mention that she's the oldest, as well as the fact that she's the more responsible one, so I actually think this might bode well for you, depending on what you mean by oldest/mature/responsible. Olderish Moms don't always get sucked into the same "Mommy culture" as the young ones,* and if she's more mature she might be willing to go out of her way a bit more than your other friends.

*Of course, all parents are, well, parents, and they do generally think about their kids/spouses constantly and whatnot. But some need everything to be about that; others can handle having other interests.

I would add that I think it's generally healthiest for parents to have lives outside their spouse and kids (at least when they don't have a literal infant to care for, and even then, phone calls/one-on-one visits in their home can still be a thing). If you burn yourself out it's not good for anyone. They have to be motivated to do that, though.

Find some childfree/childless peope and/or some parents of older kids to be friends with. (Most people stop with the talk-about-nothing-but-kids syndrome once their kids are older.)

Your mom sounds like she wants grandkids and is laying on the guilt. Getting married and having kids may be what a lot of people do, but it's also natural to miss your friends when you are parted from them for whatever reason.

Bah. My sis is not married, no kids, and nearly fifty. And, ah ha, *happy*. You need to start looking around for some new friends who have outside interests and ignore the shite out of the stuff your mom is spewing. Yeesh.

First off, don't listen to your Mom.

Second, a lot of F!Sers are giving good advice from what I've skimmed. I'd also ask, do you live anywhere near a major or somewhat major city? For some reason a lot of single people are city dwellers, and there's a lot to do in cities. So maybe try socializing outside your area?

First off, your mom is wrong about what's right for you. Everybody but you is wrong about what's right for you.

Secondly, it really sucks to be in a group of people who are so defined by their children that that's all they can talk about. I have two kids, and I hate that shit.

Thirdly, if you really value this woman's friendship, talk to her about this. you think you're losing her friendship anyway so what do you have to lose? It's possible she doesn't realize how you feel about this. It is possible to have friends with kids who don't let that consume their relationships.

finally, *hugs* I don't want you to be lonely. Lonely sucks.

Find new friends to do stuff with? If you no longer fit into this particular scene it may be time to move on and find some people who don't have kids.

And they are out there. Disregard your mom. You are not a freak for being single and/or childless. It's unusual, yes, but some people do go through life without ever marrying or having kids, and that's not selfish or messed up. It's just what works best for some people.

Wow, that wasn't a very nice or logical thing to say. Your Mom sounds like she's a bit stuck in the past.

I'm in my 30s and while I have a husband, I have no children and no desire to have children. I understand that kids are time-consuming and such, but I find it really dull that these small snot factories are the only thing worth talking about with some parents. I was afraid of getting married because I didn't want to lose my identity and be wrapped up in being "wife", so even though I got over that fear, the fear of losing myself to "mom" is way way more. At least I can reason with my husband, I can't reason with a screaming poop factory.

All that to say, I totally feel your pain, OP. I had friends, close friends, that dumped me when they got pregnant. They just stopped talking to me and wanting to hang out with me and traded me out with other moms and moms-to-be. And while I can understand the need to surround yourself with a support group that's Been There, I still wish I'd at least been given a chance and not just totally cut out. It actually got to the point where I hated pregnant women, because I was transferring that pain onto them.

Your mom is wrong. It's not too much to expect at least some attempt to keep you included regardless of whether you have children or not, especially if you're still making an effort to be involved yourself. Even so, it's a dread I feel every day...when is this friend going to cut me out because they have a kid? When do I have to stop being friends with you because I can't commiserate about changing diapers and getting spit up on?

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