fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2643 ]

[ SECRET POST #2643 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2643 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 075 secrets from Secret Submission Post #378.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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... if I don't want a female boss because I've had bad experiences in that department?

No? It depends on what they were and whether they were directly linked to her being female or not.

If it's "I don't want a female boss because god females just gossip so much and are petty bitches" then yes.

If it's "I don't want a female boss because I'm horrifically embarrassed of meeting coworkers in the bathroom and we necessarily share one" then no.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does.

Nah. You can know, logically, that not all female bosses are going to be shitty, but if in your personal experience all the ones you've had have been, it's perfectly understandable that you'd be wary for another.

Thank you. You win the thread for seeing that a bad experience can make someone dread the idea for PERSONAL reasons.

Exactly! The only time I've ever been mugged it was by a Native, so now I dread the idea of running into any of them in the street for PERSONAL reasons.

...No, wait, no I don't. That would be insanely racist. Not to mention colossally stupid.

I've known friends who were horribly bullied by girl classmates and this didn't like hanging out with girls as much. Kind of shortsighted sure. But I didn't attack them for being sexist because that would be the last thing they need and would probably only cement their feelings of avoiding female peers. It's not reasonable of course.

But dreading having a female boss is not the same as saying "women should not be bosses." OP never said, they don't think women should be bosses just "I had a bad experience and don't want a female boss personally. It's having a personal worry due to a bad experience. What if OP had a male boss who creeped on them and thus they were afraid of having any male bosses. Would their feelings of dread be legit? A feeling is different from an act.

Edited 2014-03-30 02:47 (UTC)

We're not talking about whether or not their feelings are "legit". We're talking about whether or not they would be "sexist". That's was the OP's original question.

And yes, yes it would be sexist. In my comment below I point out that I've only ever had bad male bosses. Were I to take from that a dread of male bosses, that would be sexist. Were I to take from by bad experience with the mugger a dread of Natives that would be racist. The OP's reaction is sexist. Whether you think it's "legit" or "valid" is a completely different discussion.

(I had a similarly bad experience with female classmates and avoided girls for a few years as a child because of bad feelings. But those feelings were sexist, and stupid. I got over them. Hopefully OP will too.)

Re: Does it make me sexist against my own gender...

jaybie_jarrett - 2014-03-30 02:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does it make me sexist against my own gender...

ariakas - 2014-03-30 03:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does it make me sexist against my own gender...

(Anonymous) - 2014-03-30 03:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does it make me sexist against my own gender...

ariakas - 2014-03-30 11:04 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Does it make me sexist against my own gender...

(Anonymous) - 2014-03-30 12:03 (UTC) - Expand

Sure, attacking them would be wrong, but enabling or not questioning that misconception isn't the solution, is it? Your feelings are your feelings, but they're not always accurate. The question is, should people not question their feelings when they're based on biased experiences?

I had a bad time being bullied by white guys when I was a kid. Should I avoid them for life? Should my friends all pat me on the back and confirm that white guys are terrible and I'm right in viewing them as a group of homogeneously awful people?

Or... should they tell me that they understand my past experiences and those bullies were assholes, but they hope I will find out for myself that not all white guys are abusive jerks?

Re: Does it make me sexist against my own gender...

jaybie_jarrett - 2014-03-30 03:45 (UTC) - Expand

My mother was horribly bullied in middle school. My mother was also the only white person in her middle school. These have combined in a truly unfortunate fashion; basically, she has trouble handling being the only white person in sight. Is it racist? Sure. She knows it's racist. It's also a whole slew of other problematic things. There's not much to be done about it.

I don't know if it makes you sexist but if it's interfering with your work you should try to get over it. We don't get to pick our bosses, unfortunately.

Does it make you sexist if you think your experience with one female boss somehow equates to all women being bad bosses? Yes, pretty sure that does. That individual woman being a bad boss says nothing about how other woman would be any more than a single bad man boss means that all male bosses are bad.

If you think all female bosses are bad and women shouldn't be in a boss position, yeah that's sexist. If you are just kind of personally uncomfortable and would prefer a male boss but will work with whatever boss you get and treat them respectfully, no that's not really sexist.

Like, I prefer a female doctor but I don't think men shouldn't be doctors. People have preferences, and that's okay. It's more to do with the motivations and how you act on those preferences, I think, that makes it sexist or not.

It makes you sexist against women, yes.

Women are not the borg. one bad boss does not mean all women are bad bosses.

(reply from suspended user)

It makes you a moron. Are you legitimately saying you would rather have a male boss? That's really really fucking stupid.

Why, exactly, is that really really fucking stupid? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what the OP was saying.

Yes. Women aren't all the same, and if you're using a previous experience with a bad boss to posit that all women are bad bosses then that's silly.

Also, since you seem like the kind of person who needs this sort of thing explained to her, discriminating against people because of their race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, social class, etc. because you had a bad experience with a member of that group is not a good thing to do.

Yes. LOL.

Not necessarily. If you can honestly say that having a bad experience with a male boss would make you hesitate to work with male bosses, I'd just say you're a little high-strung and probably need to work on that. If it's something exclusive to your female boss, you might be a little sexist.

You sure as hell have to ask yourself why that is.

Yes, yes it does. Have you never had bad experiences with male bosses? If so, you need to ask yourself why you still want them and not female bosses. If not, give it a couple more years, and you will. When what will you do, want no bosses at all?

Because most of my past work experience is in a heavily male-dominated industry, the all of bad bosses I've had have been male. The two female bosses I've had were great. But given that I know how statistics works, I don't automatically assume all male bosses are awful and don't want to work with them. That would be beyond idiotic.

Replace "female" with "black". How does that sound then?

Look, we've all had bad experiences with people, but letting bad experiences taint our expectations of whatever group those jerks belonged to as a whole isn't great and I'm sure you know this, so I don't know why you're asking. That's what stereotyping is, after all?

Or look at it this way: I'm sure you've got some habits or quirks that might rub someone else the wrong way. Do you expect to represent the whole of whatever group you belong to? Like, if you were a Chinese woman and you did [insert annoying thing here] would it be okay for people to assume that every Chinese woman is going to do the same thing because it's a monolithic group?

Yes, our previous negative experiences make us wary. But it's your responsibility to try and keep an open mind in spite of that unless you're okay with stereotyping and being a bigot. I'm very sorry if that sounds harsh, but I get a little impatient when topics like this come up because it usually only happens with minorities. Very rarely do people say ooooh, I had a middle aged white guy boss who was a real asshole, so I don't want to work with any of THEM again...

yeah thats misogyny. i get having bad experiences but it's definitely sexist

Yes and no.

A lot of people become wary - often irrationally wary - of new situations resembling an old one if the old one is loaded down with bad memories. The trick is to not let it take over you.

Sexism would be saying that due to your own experiences with female bosses, you think all women are bad bosses and any good female bosses are outliers/exceptions to the norm. Or, sexism would be that because you had bad female bosses, you will be hostile and uncooperative with this new one just because your new boss with a woman, because "you just know" they'll be bad.

It's all right to be wary or nervous about something which has given you bad experiences in the past - just don't let it take over your worldview or reactions. Go in trying to make the best of the situation, regardless of your own reservations. :)

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