fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2644 ]

[ SECRET POST #2644 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2644 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 062 secrets from Secret Submission Post #378.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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If you found out your SO had a secret fetish that personally creeped you out, how would you react? What would you do? It doesn't have to be something plausible or possible in real life, it could be something entirely fictitious, like shrinking, inflation, etc., just as long as it freaks YOU out.

Anon had a SO that had quite a few creepy fetishes and Anon broke up with them because of that, but gets flack from others for "being mean" and "not giving them a chance." All Anon's SO could talk about after they started dating was their multiple creepy fetishes and couldn't hold a normal conversation like they did pre-relationship, and Anon wouldn't have even been interested in them had Anon known, so Anon ended the relationship calmly and on good terms. Anon is not the only one who would have ended a relationship like that, right? Or are the others right in calling Anon a bully?

I have a couple fetishes that squick my boyfriend out, so I just don't talk about them around him. If your ex knew you weren't comfortable with their fetishes and kept bringing them up anyway, hell yeah you were in the right to dump them. If you're dating someone they should respect your wishes. :\

Edited (wrong gender whoops) 2014-03-30 22:08 (UTC)

It's perfectly valid to break up with someone if they talk all the time about things you're not interested in and won't listen when you say you want to talk about something else.

Sounds like Anon did the right thing. People are big on tolerance, but guess what? If something creeps you out, you can leave. Removing yourself from a relationship (especially when it's done civilly and in a mature fashion) is just fine. You don't need any justifications beyond not wanting to be in that relationship anymore and anyone who says differently can fuck off.

That said, the fact that anon's SO was obsessed to the point where they couldn't discuss anything else is not healthy. Kinks are one thing. When kinks turn into a hang-up and you can no longer communicate with anyone who isn't also into that kink, it's become a problem.

My girlfriend so very much wants to put something phallic inside of me. It's funny because she's never going to get to!! I've said "I'll take a length when you have the guts to go into a shop and buy the strap on in person".

Speaking as a straight guy that takes it up the butt from his girlfriend sometimes, you're missing out, man. Go help her pick out a nice one.

This is the second time you've commented about being nervous about stuff in your butt. Is there something you need to talk about, y?

Ha! that is true. but no, I just don't like the idea of stuff in my butt, and yet the world seems to be conspiring to populate my butt with stuff.

But why? There's nothing inherently gay or wrong with stuff in your butt.

There's nothing inherently right about stuff in your butt either, mind you (I ain't straight and I'm not a huge fan myself) but it's not something that should freak you out that much. You might really enjoy it, you never know.

Re: SOs, Fetishes, and You!

the_missing_y - 2014-03-31 00:40 (UTC) - Expand

Re: SOs, Fetishes, and You!

herpymcderp - 2014-03-31 00:59 (UTC) - Expand

Re: SOs, Fetishes, and You!

(Anonymous) - 2014-03-31 03:33 (UTC) - Expand

Re: SOs, Fetishes, and You!

herpymcderp - 2014-03-31 04:41 (UTC) - Expand

Conspiring? In ways other than your girlfriend being into pegging?

Re: SOs, Fetishes, and You!

the_missing_y - 2014-03-31 00:28 (UTC) - Expand

You sound like my husband, and that's perfectly okay! I don't know why it's such a bad thing to have preferences, some people just don't want to have stuff going up their pooper. I dunno if it's fanfic or what, but so many people seem to think that hitting the prostate is like pressing some magical button that'll make guys who previously wanted nothing up there all of a sudden beg and plead for it all the time. It doesn't work like that, preferences are preferences, and not every guy is going to enjoy something up their ass. It's just how it is.

Here's the problem, dawg: the second she summons the cajones to go and buy that strap-on, you're fucked.

Literally!

you sound like such a homophobic dudebro jsyk

Calling Anon a bully is absolutely ridiculous and not in any way supported by the facts you've related. Going off on a tangent: Words have meaning; people blatantly misuse them because the word has power; then the word ends up loses its power and original meaning because people insist on using it where it isn't appropriate.

Anon is fine for doing what they did. Not everyone's fetishes are compatible, and you aren't required to stay with someone who weirds you out sexually.

Just having a fetish that squicks me isn't a problem, it's how they behave. Like if I said "I really don't like that at all and don't want to hear about it," and then that was all they talked about, then I would end the relationship. If it was something illegal and they wanted to do it in real life, then I would end the relationship. Otherwise I'm just glad they feel they can tell me they have it and if it's not my thing I hope they have some sort of outlet for their fantasy, like movies or books or whatever (obviously something that doesn't include infidelity).

You would have to try really hard to find a fetish that I found really objectionable (the only examples I can think of offhand are scat and vomit play).

Even for fetishistic people, for the most part their wants in fantasy are different from their wants in reality. If I found out that a partner's wants in reality didn't mesh with mine (after having tried it out), then that would probably be cause for a mutual ending of a relationship and I would consider that pretty fair.

It sounds like you didn't do that though. You just assumed that their actual wants were the same as their fantasies and ended it on that basis alone. That's not bullying, but it's a very narrow-minded assumption and it might not have been called for. Depending on how you did it, it might also have been pretty hurtful.

Two things:

1) Your openness makes you very attractive to me. It's probably not a good idea to note this, but I am going to note it anyway, because...yeah.

2) I disagree with your assessment. Based on the information given, it seems like the individual in question was obsessed with his/her fetish, as evidenced by the fact that it's all s/he apparently wanted to talk about. Even were I in a relationship with someone who shared a fetish of mine, I would not want to talk about it all the time, and I would probably break up with someone who did.

In other words, I think the anon ended the relationship less on the basis of the SO's wants/fantasies and more on the basis of the SO's inability to focus on anything else.

1) I take that as a compliment. ;)

2) Rather than try to read into anything about the supposed behaviour of the ex in question (we only have one side of the story) my attempt here was to impartially answer OP's question and provide perspective.

It's often hard to think rationally about something when you're having an intense emotional reaction to it, and I suspect this was the case here. It's also easy to conflate "this thing is repulsive to me" with "because I think this thing is repulsive the people who like it are bad/repulsive", and it's important to understand that this is almost never the case. Just to repeat (because it is so very important) even with very extreme fetishes, fantasy desires are rarely exactly the same as desires for real life experiences.

I'm not saying OP was wrong to break up with said ex, however their thought processes and actions regarding the break up are probably something they need to personally examine, as well as their methods of communication about sexual needs for future partners.

No harm in having a fetish, as long as it's a fantasy. If my partner admitted they had a fetish I didn't like, I'd say so, and hopefully that would be the end of it. They are free to watch their porn and fantasize as they like, but I don't have to do any fetish I'm not comfortable with. If my partner couldn't live without the fetish, or wouldn't shut up about it, I'd probably end things.

If it was a kink that I wasn't necessarily opposed to, though did not share, I might try it (if it's feasible) for my partner's sake. Like, I don't know, blindfolds or light bondage or something.

You were right to break it off, anon. If they truly cared about you, they would have respected the fact that you didn't want to talk about the creepy fetishes, yet they kept pushing it on you.

Sounds like the source of the breakup was just as much, if not more, that SO had issues with normal conversations and being pushy.

I think the issue in your case is less that your SO had creepy fetishes and more that your SO seemed obsessed with said fetishes. Obsession is, generally speaking, unhealthy. But, apart from that, focusing on certain fetishes when a partner lacks interest in them is rather selfish. Successful relationships involve give-and-take and an understanding/appreciation for the other individual's likes and dislikes.

That said, when the likes and dislikes of two people diverge to a sufficient extent, the relationship cannot work, and needs to be dissolved. This may have been the case in your situation.

Either way, the "others" are wrong. You gave this person enough of a chance to see that it wasn't going to work, and you ended things on good terms. You don't owe them anything else. And you don't owe the "others" anything at all.

For me, I'd have to know what the fetish was. I'm pretty live and let live about most sex stuff, and I'm usually willing to work with a kink even if it's not my favorite.

For you, you don't have to stay with anyone you don't want to, for any reason. People telling you otherwise have a messed up view of relationships.

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