fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2670 ]

[ SECRET POST #2670 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2670 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Dan Vs.]

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03.

[Mysterious Cities Of Gold]

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04.

[Sherlock]

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05.

[Drazen Bratulic]

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06.

[Captain America]

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07.

[Smash]

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08.

[El Goonish Shive]

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09.

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10. http://i59.tinypic.com/2eebuv6.jpg
[porn, Frozen, illustrated]

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11. [SPOILERS for Shameless US]

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12. [WARNING for suicide]

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13. [WARNING for rape]

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14. [WARNING for domestic violence]

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15. [WARNING for rape/sexual assault]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #381.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My co-worker lives somewhat close to me. Once, when I was still pretty new to the company, she asked for a ride home. It was the first time she really spoke to me, and I was surprised, but I wanted to make a good impression, and I can be shy and have trouble making friends. It wasn't really a big deal, since she was in the same direction as me (and it's maybe a five to ten minute detour). Now, though, she asks for rides all the time. Well, like once or twice a week. And it's usually in the morning - we have shifts at 6 a.m. and making myself wake up even just ten minutes earlier is obnoxious. But she doesn't have a car. She's sort of friendly to me at work (doesn't go out of her way to talk with me, but is nice when she does so) and we definitely are not friends. I don't claim she's malicious or anything, I think she's just the reserved type.

But I really don't want to give any more rides. Even if she lived just thirty seconds away, I still wouldn't want to become someone's one-sided carpool. Especially in the morning - I hate being relied on, too.

But I just can't say no. Each time she asks, I want to make an excuse, but I don't have any. Especially in the morning when it's not like I'd be doing anything before that. It's not even that far so I can't demand gas money. I have no balls and it depresses me. I don't think she's a bad person so it makes it tough to reject her. But it's like, every time I resolve myself to find a way to say no, I can't actually make the words go out. And I don't want to have an awkward relationship with her if I do explain that I don't like to give rides. What can I do to be really subtle and have her take the hint, without ruining things or coming across as a bitch?

Just fucking say no. Don't make an excuse, don't waffle, don't act like it's your fault that she's been taking advantage of your kindness. You have admitted she isn't your friend and you aren't getting anything out of this arrangement, plus you aren't obligated to do this by any stretch of human decency. There is no way she is going to take a hint, as she is getting rewarded by the fact that you are too weak to stand up for yourself. Even if you tried hinting she would ignore it and continue to ask for rides.

If you really are that much of a pushover that you can't bring yourself to say, "I'm not a taxi, sorry." then you deserve the situation. You are an autonomous being and you are responsible for making your own decisions, so tell her the pool's closed.

Just straight-up say that you're sorry, but you can't give her rides anymore. Apologize if it's going to be inconvenient to her, and maybe give her a week's notice or something (although she seems to be able to get a ride otherwise, so maybe not), but it's your car and your decision. Don't bother making something up as an excuse, because you'll never remember it, and don't say anything about not liking to give rides--she knows this is a favor you're doing for her, and it's your right to revoke that favor.

(reply from suspended user)

To be honest, I doubt that there really is any way to subtly get her to take the hint - and quite frankly, that sort of thing comes off as more passive aggressive than just flat-out telling her "I can't give you rides that much/any more".

Mostly, I'd just suggest telling her that you can't be the one to give her rides all the time, and ask her to see if she can get some rides from other co-workers so she's not relying on any one person to get to work. And hell, just say that as much as you like her, you can't really deal with having someone rely on you like that. Or, just tell her giving her a ride tends to create a lot of small bumps in a smooth routine for you - all of them small, but all of them adding up to make giving her a ride a hassle for you. As much as you like her*, you need her to find some other coworkers or methods of transportation. (Don't say 'you would appreciate it' - that makes things even more awkward than they already are.)

If possible for you: I do suggest saying that you don't mind giving her a ride when she's running late, bad weather (if it's public transportation), or when her usual ride is unavailable. Hell, if you can, maybe just say that once or twice a week you can still give her a ride, but the rest of the time she needs to find some other way to get to work. Explain that you don't mind giving rides every now and then, but you don't carpool and hadn't expected to be in a carpool situation when she first started asking for a ride. Tell her that when she looks for rides with other co-workers, she should explain upfront that she's looking for a regular carpool arrangement and not just a ride in a pinch.

* = whether you actually do or not; saying it might save you some problems down the road (no pun intended)

Hopefully that helps. :)

You should probably just say you've had some timing issues and won't be able to give her a ride. But if you're interested in getting gas money, gas money isn't supposed to cover the detour; it's supposed to be a contribution to the gas expended getting both of you to work.

Seconded on the gas money. It would be polite for her to chip in.

Tell her the truth: that it's cutting into yor sleep and really starting to wear you down, so you can't do it anymore. That isn't an excuse. That's why it's such a pain in the ass to get up those five or ten minutes earlier. Your body has a schedule and she is breaking that. If she doesn' respect that she never liked you in the first place.

I actually feel sorry for the girl. No car and now soon to be stuck.

On the flipside, you are under no obligation to give her rides. You don't owe her anything.

Still, I kind of feel sorry for her. If she is the shy type, imagine how much fear she had to swallow to ask you for a ride in the first place.

I don't think the OP needs a guilt trip. As for her coworker, she gets herself to work most days. She's not going to stuck if the OP stops giving her a ride.

Sorry, but why do you feel sorry for her? Seriously don't get it. It's one thing to shyly ask someone for a ride once, or even every once in a blue moon. But it's not shy if it's happening once or twice a week. If she got by before OP, and is getting by other days, she'll just have to figure it out and I'm not sure why she deserves sympathy.

It's not your responsibility to get her to work - it's hers. What would she do if you weren't around? Sure, it's nice to have a free taxi service but that doesn't mean you have to give her rides.

So, you can put up with this, getting more and more resentful, or you can end it.

Next time she asks, just say, "Sorry, no." If she pushes it then say you're heading in another direction (if it's after work) or you don't want to get up early (if she's asking for a ride in the morning). It's your time and your car and your gas - you are doing her a regular favour with no reciprocation. You aren't responsible for how she gets to work.

come up with excuses every time, and eventually she will stop asking you. or ask for gas money every time.

tell her there is something wrong with your car, and ask to get a ride with her!

I do think if the distance adds up over time, gas money would be appropriate.

Good people, smart people above have it right. You say no. Bluntly. Because denial is always better then passive aggression.

This person couldn't' do passive aggression anyway. For one thing they'd feel like shit. This leads to the other thing: They are better then you.

Not giving a ride is a perfectly fine thing. Doing this flighty bullshit that confuses people but eventually comes across as you being a fuck would make op a shit person. Like you. You apparently think this is a good thing which means you are a shit person.

da

I'm honestly curious about this whole "subtle and slightly passive aggressive" vs "frank rejection" thing. I feel like where I'm from, confrontation is a bad thing, and people are expected to take hints. While in theory I understand that honesty is the best policy and so forth, I don't think most casual relationships can survive confrontation. Most people, at least where I'm from, I think, would take "No, I don't want to give you rides anymore, sorry" as something embarrassing, awkward, and even mean-spirited to say so outright. I feel like giving an excuse once, twice, should be more than enough to get the point across to any rational person, all while avoiding awkward confrontation and giving any hurt feelings an "out".

I mean, there's a difference between an elaborate lie and a "Sorry, I don't really have the time tomorrow". But it would never occur to me personally to think badly of anyone who made an excuse or two to demonstrate a point, whereas being frank might come across as a little more "mean" to me. The same as asking someone out on a date. If they make a polite excuse, they aren't interested - and no raw feelings and hurt ego from flat out saying you just don't like someone that way.

I'm not trying to say culture is an excuse for bad behavior, but just that I can't comprehend how making an excuse or two, with the intent that a presumptuous co-worker will get the message, makes someone a shitty person. I honestly feel that in my area, it'd be "worse" to be direct unless no other option is reasonable. After all, I can understand wanting to maintain a tolerable relationship with a co-worker, even if they aren't a friend.

NO.

You would think folks here would understand this better then most... A lot of people around here are awkard. Lacking some social perceptions. May have had some history with social problems.

So the rejection, when they figure it out, feels like just that. Not that somebody dindn't like giving them rides, but that somebody didn't like them period.

Furthermore, you presume this will work. Some people keep asking. And asking. And now you've made it look like you'd do it but just couldnt that one time. So when you finally have to tell them directly, you make yourself a liar previous. Better a little mean then a lot mean.

And I can tell you as a guy we fucking HATE the excuse being used as actual rejection. Because then we go into doubt mode. Did you really have an excuse? Are you saying we should try again? Because we like you, so first impulse is to try again! Some folks are oblivious enough to not get the hint for a while. and maybe they have doubts, but they aren't sure so they want to keep trying but are afraid too and goddamn it what is she thinking yadda yadda. I mean, that's exactly the kinda drama that makes teenage years so miserable! And when they do get the hint, possibly when a third party beats them over the head with it, or when you've done it far more times then you probably planned, they feel like an idiot. And quite possibly resent you far more then the girl that told them they weren't interested the first time and saved everybody a lot of trouble.

In short, I legitimately think far more poorly of the person like you that makes excuses because even if you aren't trying to be passive aggressive that's how people are gonna take it. It's weakness in a different form from being a doormat, but it's still weakness that leads to hurt feelings. Better to be direct.

Just say you can't give her a ride anymore. If she asks why, just say that you can't anymore. Personal reasons. Because it's too early. You just don't feel like it.

"Sorry, I can't."

Repeat as needed andd on't make excuses or offer explanations. Before you feel bad, remind yourself that while you're not going very far out of your way to give her a ride, your co-worker has not done the decent thing and at least offered to chip in some gas money, buy you breakfast now and then, etc. It's basic courtesy. If she can't do that, she could find a ride elsewhere.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2670 ]

Giving co-workers rides?

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You fucking pussy piece of shit

Re: You fucking pussy piece of shit

THAT'S WORSE!

Re: Giving co-workers rides?

Re: Giving co-workers rides?