[ SECRET POST #2682 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2682 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 024 secrets from Secret Submission Post #383.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice?

[(Anonymous)]

Hey FS. I've got a male friend. We're super close and have been best friends since we were kids. And I think I might be attracted to this friend. The problem is, I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, so I have no idea if it's attraction or something else.

I have zero desire in romantic or sexual relationships, and he's not an exception to this. I can recognize him as good looking, but I don't fantasize about kissing him or having sex with him.

But I've noticed recently that I'm drawn towards relationships in fiction that are extremely similar to ours, and I like reading romantic/sexual fanfic about these relationships. (I mostly read gen, but I still enjoy shippy fanfic. I like the idea of romance/sex more than the reality, if that makes sense?)

Do I have some sort of subconscious attraction to this friend and I'm just in denial? I've felt possessive of him in the past and liked the idea of being his "girlfriend" exclusively, but I think that has to do more with my boundary issues than genuine romantic interest.

I'm really hoping this isn't some kind of crush. He has a serious girlfriend and no interest towards me that way, and I thought I felt the same way. No way would I talk to him about this and potentially ruin our friendship over something this stupid, but I would like to know what this is so I can figure out how to deal with it.

(And I might be overreacting, in which case, I apologize for being a moron. This has just been worrying me a lot lately, and I can't read shippy fanfic at all anymore because it keeps reminding me of my friend.)

TLDR: I might have a crush on my friend. I've never had a crush before in my life, so I have no idea how to recognize one. Help?

Re: Advice?

[iwasanartist]

I have zero desire in romantic or sexual relationships, and he's not an exception to this.

You have answered your question. Being possessive of him isn't a sign of subconscious crush-feelings, it's a sign of being creepy.

Re: Advice?

[(Anonymous)]

It sounds like you can accurately call this a crush. You don't have to want to have sex with a person to be attracted to them. I do agree that you have to be careful about how you handle it.

As someone who's been in a very similar position (minus the asexuality) and did not act as I should have and did actually end up seriously wounding a close friendship (not to mention destroying the friendship I could have had with the girlfriend), I would really recommend getting some distance between yourself and your crush feelings for a while, if it's intense enough that you're worried. I don't mean distance yourself from your friend, but maybe take a break from shippy fic that reminds you of your friend -- play a really involved game or read something you'd enjoy, but have been neglecting in favor of feeding the crushfire -- and hang out with other friends a little more or work on projects that are just yours.

I hope I'm not projecting too much of my own ish on you, though I probably am.

Re: Advice?

[(Anonymous)]

n a nicer way than the above anon explained it, being possessive of your friend is more likely a sign that you're feeling insecure in your friendship with him - possibly because he is in a serious relationship, and the dynamics of your friendship might be changing e.g. he's probably started replying on his girlfriend for emotional support rather than you. Which isn't a bad thing. But might be making you feel less valued as a result.

I would suggest having a deep, reflective session on how you feel about him, his girlfriend, and you. And also what else is happening in your life - maybe you're stressed or feeling bad about something else, and it's manifesting itself in you clinging more strongly to this friendship.

I've been the clingy one in a friendship before, so I really suggest you nip this in the bud now if that is what you're feeling, because it definitely didn't end well for me and it also isn't fair on your friend.

Re: Advice?

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking as another ace, I don't think you have a crush. You might like a certain ship dynamic in fan-fiction because it's familiar and comfortable to you, not because you have feelings for the person it reminds you of. Most of us are subconsciously attracted to people who are similar to our parental figures, but that doesn't mean we desire sexual relationships with our family.

I agree with the above anon concerning possessiveness: If you're very close to someone, the thought of being replaced can make us panic and cling. As long as you don't let it get out of control, jealousy and/or possessiveness in that situation is understandable. I would consider setting aside some time to hang out with this friend, if only to reassure yourself that you're still a part of each others' lives. You could also try to befriend his girlfriend if you haven't already.

You're not being a moron, OP. You've just worked yourself up over something miniscule, probably because you deeply value your relationship with your friend and don't want to lose it.

Re: Advice?

[solticisekf]

If he's your best friend it's normal to be possessive. I think it's like how a family could be possessive of a new gf or bf. I haven't seen it in reality, but it's a theme in movies when a sibling is jealous of a hero's gf, or a kid of their parent's romantic interest. In Psych there was a fraze, I don't think it's a spoiler, it goes something like this:
"Date us, I mean me. If you're ok with my best friend Gus as a part of a deal"

Or when two friends in a movie have a crush on the same person and don't want to fight over it, so neither of them go after this crush.

Sometimes a person doesn't want to share their friend's attention and time with someone else. It's ok as long as this person doesn't interfere. Romantic relationship is usually exclusive and close, maybe that's why you think it could be attraction on your part.

Also fandom ships' dynamics are kinda removed from reality, even without soulmate AUs and a/b/o, so maybe you read fics too much or take them too seriously? Just a thought.