[ SECRET POST #2711 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2711 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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10. http://i.imgur.com/xX3TpPn.png
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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 017 secrets from Secret Submission Post #387.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

12. http://i.imgur.com/rVv7QJ0.png

[kallanda_lee]

I think you have two options here.

1) they are a hypocrite and doing it for the attention

or

2) they genuinely think/feel otherwise now.

I case 1) I can see your frustration, in case 2) you should probably cut them some slack.

[(Anonymous)]

I know this is going to make me sound awful, but it's hard for me not to be bitter about it because it wasn't just some minor thing. It involved a trauma I went through so it's hard for me to not be upset. They probably do think otherwise now so I'm thankful that they won't hurt somebody else's feelings who went through the same thing at least even though they are still ignoring mine.

[pelespen]

Eh, I don't think OP owes them any slack. Unless person in question actually came forward and apologized or reached out to OP on the matter. However, it's probably healthiest if OP could just walk away/let go. *shrug*

[misty_anon]

I don't think it's stupid and I don't blame you for feeling bitter. I'd hope that maybe they feel differently about those issues now, otherwise they just come off as a huge hypocrite.

[(Anonymous)]

"Past". I think the key word is "past".

But hey, if you consider them a friend, ask them about it privately.

[(Anonymous)]

Fuck them.

There's plenty of other people out there who are capable of being better friends,

[insanenoodlyguy]

But they are in fact being a better person now? Maybe OP is the inferior friend here, just saying. They sure are rather bitter.

[(Anonymous)]

Try might be hypocrites, but it's more likely that they followed the BNF in question and learned about the mistakes they were making from one of their sources. Education tends to change views.

[(Anonymous)]

*They

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, OP, I can entirely empathize, as I experienced something very very similar myself.

(And though I knew it was stupid to let one person poison the pool, the experience of being a witness to such hypocrisy entirely soured me on the fandom to the point that I entirely lost interest in the source material.)

[(Anonymous)]

In my experience a lot of sjw types like to play lip service to issues on a large scale, but are pretty apathetic, unhelpful, or condescending when it comes to individuals. This might not be your friend though, you know them better than I. Maybe they have learned and grown as a person, and that's good if they have. However, if they have been shitty to you in the past, I think you have the right to be bitter about it.

[nyxelestia]

In many ways, this has been my experience. I absolutely respect that online activism can and does have big impact - especially when it comes to social issues in the media, which is what fandom activism tends to be about and is massively influential in our media-dominated world. On the other hand...well, I've mentioned before the hilarity of being called a racist by someone in fandom the same day I got my NAACP membership card in the mail.

It's great that people spend so much time and effort, online, to effect change in the media, which is often seen as the bridge between online culture and the offline world. That is valuable and important work, and I absolutely attribute a lot of new, positive trends in the media specifically to online activism and social justice culture.

But at the same time, I have work to do in real life. Excuse me if I don't care about the finer points of how some actress is appropriating my ethnicity's culture because she's wearing a provocative sari, I'm too busy trying to get fucking pepper spray out of my clothes from the political riot at my school.

(This actually happened - that particular cultural appropriation issue was white people beating themselves up over nothing, while that protest/riot actually changed a policy that impacted academic mobility in a classist context.)

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe you could tell them in an email something like, "You know I'm glad you support ___ now, but I've never felt that support from you when I was dealing with ___, and it kind of hurts."

Depending on what they say, you'd know where to go from there w/ the friendship.

Either that, or just keep quiet and let the friendship stay on a non-trusting basis. (I tend to do this about things, not sure it's the right way tho.)

[forgottenjester]

I can understand your frustration. Maybe you can bring it up to them in private?

You've kind of answered your own question

[elephantinegrace]

You said your friend's a BNF. Of course she gets a lot more attention than the average person in fandom. And as far as fighting against things that she's supported in the past, sometimes people change (gasp!) and if those things she's said hurts you still, tell her. It sounds like she's in a mental place where she can receive those criticisms and respond maturely.

The question is, are you holding a grudge to make yourself feel like you're a better person than she is or are you holding a grudge because you're hurt by her hypocrisy?

[(Anonymous)]

I said pretty horrible things in the past but now I do whatever I can to make up to the opinions I used to have because I have changed and I deeply regret having been an asshole. And it took me years to properly apologize to the people I had hurt with my words in the past. People can change.

I can understand that this is frustrating and angering, but, if they're your friend, talk with them about this. In my personal experience, the reason why it took me so long to properly apologize to the people I had hurt is because I just didn't want to randomly open any scars for them because the things I had said were tied to very bad events in their lives that I reacted shittily to and I didn't want to remind them of these events. Don't assume anything, the only way to make sure of what's going on is to speak to them. Then perhaps they really are hypocrites who still believe the things they said against you and are posing as defenders of the oppressed because it is fashionable to do so (I met someone who did that, too), but wouldn't you want to know for sure which one it is?

Best of luck to you.

[diet_poison]

You might consider talking to them about it (nicely, of course) and explaining why you feel upset by it. I'd be upset too.

[logicbutton]

I agree. OP, tell them what you told us. If they really do get it now, I bet they'd welcome the chance to clear the air.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Everybody is saying I should talk to my friend and I know that's what I should do instead of sitting around being hurt, so the next time this sort of thing comes up I'm going to bring it up to them. I'm kind of afraid to bring it up now, so I don't want to make a big deal out of it unless it's relevant.

Thanks everybody for the advice even though I just came to complain.

[(Anonymous)]

You are not a shitty person for being upset that a friend treated you badly. You don't owe forgiveness to someone who never asked for forgiveness.

That said, if you want to keep them as a friend and this bothers you, talk to them about it. You want to forgive them, but that might take them acknowledging that they did something that upset you. If they won't acknowledge that it was wrong then you know they're just a hypocrite.

[(Anonymous)]

I understand, anon, how that can feel like a betrayal. I've had friends do that with lesser things, and not even so much SJ, and it still feels shitty. You might be right that they've overcompensating for their lack of support for you in the past. It's possible they might not even realize it.

Or they could just be completely full of shit, I dunno. You would know your friend better than I would, and recognize whether this was a one-time oops or a frustrating pattern with them.

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe it's because of you that they realise these problems exist, and now they know more they feel like they want to help. I know that I was ignorant about a lot of stuff when I joined fandom and it's slowly taught me a lot, I was probably a dick to start with, so I can see how it would happen. I'm sorry you had to be the one to teach them, I guess. I hope if you get a chance to talk to them they support you now. If that's how it is, and they are a BNF that will teach others about these things, then you will have helped a lot of people, I guess, so I hope it all works out, OP.

[arcadiaego]

I think you're being very reasonable by the terms of fandom. And yeah, that kind of behaviour can be annoying. :/

[(Anonymous)]

One more reason why fandom and activism shouldn't mix.