fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2729 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2729 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[killer is dead]

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03.

[Lackadaisy]

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04.

[Joe Trohman, Fall Out Boy]

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05.

[Yowamushi Pedal]

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06.

[How To Train Your Dragon 2]

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07.

[A Game of Thrones]

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08.

[Fruit's Basket]

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09.

[Community]

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10.

[Rythian, a.k.a Joakim Hellstrand]

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11.

[The Devil Wears Prada]

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12.

[Night Court]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 057 secrets from Secret Submission Post #390.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I'm sorry you're upset" is a non-apology.

Because it's not. I can feel sorry that you're upset, because I know how it feels to be upset, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I said anything wildly out of line that needs apologizing for, and I won't apologize just for having an opinion that differs from yours.

Granted, sometimes things are said that need apologizing for, but a lot of the time I feel like people expect an unreasonable amount of groveling whenever they feel slighted.

I kind of agree.

I don't really get this groveling forever (and it has to be perfect) thing that's sprung up in some internet spaces. A simple "What I did was shitty and I'll try not doing it again. Sorry" should be fine in most cases.

Yeah. Assuming what was done would even be considered shitty by anyone else who wasn't the person that felt offended. Sometimes a behavior isn't shitty, some people just have unreasonable expectations of how bubble-wrapped the world should make itself for them or they latch on to the most negative interpretation that could possibly exist -- sometimes interpretations that only exist if they deliberately ignore words -- and throw fits about it. It's like, I'm not shitty nor did I do a shitty thing, you just took something out of context and got pissy about it.

Again, this is not true in every case, but I've seen it (and experienced it) enough to know it's not uncommon these days.

Honestly, it would just be better to not say it at all, because it's a bit dishonest. It's better to say "I don't mean to offend you" or something similar. Saying "I'm sorry you're upset" is a cowardly way of heaping the source of the conflict onto them, is mildly condescending, and implies they aren't entitled to their feelings. It takes two to disagree, so take some responsibility for your part (not theirs).

And save the apologies for when you really hurt someone.

Thing is, I don't get to decide when someone is "really hurt." I can have opinions about the reasonableness of their degree of hurt, but to go farther than that WOULD be to deny their right to their feelings. And surely you've heard the "intent isn't magical!" mantra that comes from "I didn't mean to..."

So really, it seems like the only thing I can do in these particular cases is acknowledge how someone feels and apologize for causing that feeling. But it seems like there's always that next level of "RECOGNIZE YOUR WRONGNESS! STAND THERE IN YOUR WRONGNESS AND BE WRONG!!" that I don't think is always warranted but always seems expected.

No.

Can someone use "I'm sorry you're upset" in a cowardly, condescending way? Sure. But the phrase isn't actually cowardly or condescending. It can be, and often is, used as an expression of sympathy.

It isn't cowardly to say it when you're an objective third party.

But if you're arguing with someone and drop that on them, then yes, it is cowardly to say it. Because you're not sorry. You're just looking for a way to end the conflict and you're willing to push everything onto them so that you can come out smelling like a rose.

This.

I think it'd probably be better to phrase it as 'I'm sorry I upset you'. 'I'm sorry you're upset' kind of places all the blame on the other person for being upset, which isn't necessarily fair, whereas 'I'm sorry I upset you' shows that you acknowledge that your action/opinion made them upset and you regret that, without making you apologize for the action/opinion itself which you may not actually regret.

[ SECRET POST #2729 ]

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