fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2792 ]

[ SECRET POST #2792 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2792 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 047 secrets from Secret Submission Post #399.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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God, this is depressing. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be treated like crap, but what you're describing sounds like you're living in a basement, hissing at sunlight, and refusing to see anyone or do anything.

That's not healthy, man.

Depressing for you, maybe. Plenty of perfectly happy (and yes, "healthy"), and adjusted people are more than content to be alone, and choose to be alone over the company of others.

But this person isn't choosing to be alone because they like to be alone. They are choosing to be alone because no one else measures up to fictional standards. That's not the same as finding solitude enjoyable.

What's wrong with that, though. If they have standards and people don't meet them, then...? Are you saying they should lower their standards to match yours? Why should they?

Lots of people use that excuse to hide away from society forever, I know. Some people are genuinely happier alone though.

If your standards aren't based on reality, yeah, there is something there to be adjusted. OP says it themselves, they don't have that wide a life experience. There's a step in growing up it seems they haven't made yet.

I'd say it depends. Fantasy and fiction are not necessarily unrealistic. If I see a guy who I really like in a story and decide that this is it, I'm not going to date anybody who isn't at least as kind and caring as this guy is, and I don't find anyone like that, is that necessarily unhealthy? Should I settle for more of an asshole? Because ~reality~?

Giving up and declaring that the world will never meet that standard is probably not a good sign, I agree... but that sounds like a sign of depression and not a sign of delusion to me. Either way I don't think having the standard in itself is bad.

DA

Gonna repeat what the person said above it. If those standards aren't realistic, then yeah. And it sounds like OP might have an unrealistically idealistic view of what people should be like based on fiction, combined with an unrealistically negative view of actual, real life people who they have judged as universally unworthy.

Motivation counts in these sorts of things, is what I'm saying. If you really can't stand be around people (and I generally can't - I'm a hermit and very happy not being around people), that's totally valid. But I'm doing that because I feel better with limited social contact - not because other people have failed me in some way.

I don't blame anyone for me not wanting to be around people. That's all me. The world didn't somehow fail me when it didn't provide me with my favorite fictional characters.

In other words: at some point, you either choose solitude because you like yourself, OR because you're licking your wounds. The OP is the latter.

It doesn't have to be an OR - it can be an AND.

I mean, as a general rule, I like solitude and being on my own. I'm pretty deeply introverted at times, and during my more extroverted moments, I don't like "connecting" to people so much as emotionally shallow interaction.

But that preference came from somewhere, and a lot of it was just due to the difficulty of being with others as a child - I had trouble getting along with kids my age or even kids a bit older (hell, I still do), and teenagers and adults obviously had no interest in hanging out with a child. On top of that, dur my middle teen years, due to logistics it was often difficult for me to see my friends outside of school. I was very much a social as a child, but by the time I was both old enough to be able to spend time with people I actually liked/felt comfortable with, and was able to "get there"/had the money and transportation to go see them, my preference for solitude was pretty much set in. I don't mind people, but can only handle them in small doses and otherwise I like to be on my own.

I think OP can be solitary just as a way of licking their wounds, but also because they prefer it. As some others have pointed out on here, even if the OP technically has options (which they may not have, anyway, going by the "limited funds" line), what if being solitary is still just preferable to those options? Sure, OP could lower their standards for partners...but what if, for them, being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't meet their original standards?

As you've mentioned elsewhere, yes, it sucks that OP is basically giving up on looking for someone. But subjecting yourself to an experience you don't want because everyone thinks you should sucks even more.

It seems more like a lesser of two evils situation, and in that context, OP has a point - why shouldn't they just be by themselves with fictional company, if it's not otherwise negatively affecting their health? What is so bad about it?

You are correct that it can be an either/and situation. Our life experiences do color our choices.

I suppose, technically, there is nothing wrong with it. Any harm they do will be specifically and solely to themselves, which is better than harming others.

It's just a shame to see someone give up on themselves.

(no subject)

nyxelestia - 2014-08-26 02:32 (UTC) - Expand

If you want a god, but a god doesn't exist, and you then isolate yourself because you have literally impossible standards, then yeah, you're the problem.

Especially since OP isn't actually happy.

"Lowering standards" and "settling" are very tricky things. What people mistake as "lowering standards" is actually being open to the fact that everyone is their own person and shouldn't be rejected simply because they don't fit your "standards mold" to a T.

There's a difference between saying, "He's not quite what I expected, but he is kind and sweet and knows how to make a mean chicken cacciatore!" and going "Well, FUCK, that guy totally wasn't Prince Charming, might as well go down to the SHITFACE BAR and pick up a total fucking LOSER because OBVIOUSLY there's nothing better!"

False dilemma
A false dilemma (also called black-and-white thinking, bifurcation, denying a conjunct, the either-or fallacy, false dichotomy, fallacy of exhaustive hypotheses, the fallacy of false choice, the fallacy of the false alternative, or the fallacy of the excluded middle) is a type of informal fallacy that involves a situation in which only limited alternatives are considered, when in fact there is at least one additional option

1) "He's not quite what I expected, but he is kind and sweet and knows how to make a mean chicken cacciatore!"

2) "Well, FUCK, that guy totally wasn't Prince Charming, might as well go down to the SHITFACE BAR and pick up a total fucking LOSER because OBVIOUSLY there's nothing better!"

3) "He's kind and sweet and knows how to make a mean chicken cacciatore, but he doesn't share my interests and he's not intelligent enough for me."

4) I'm sure you can think of more on your own

Hyperbole, have you fucking heard of it.

I fail to see where I said people were limited to only two choices in the world, but I hope you have fun in your hunt for logical fallacies.

Falsely arguing that the other anon set up a false dilemma. It's like an inception of falseness.

Trouble is, the real false dilemma is actually in the secret:

Option 1: Perfect person who is has all of the traits of a fictional character.

Option 2: Abuser.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2014-08-26 11:15 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2014-08-27 11:35 (UTC) - Expand

If 50% of the subjects fail to pass the test, there's a problem with the subjects.

If 100% of the subjects fail to pass the test, there's a problem with the test.

But enjoying being alone it's not what the secret describes.

It doesn't sound like OP prefers to be alone over being with people because they like being alone, though. It sounds like they prefer to be alone over being with people because no real people are as perfect a fit as fictional people, and/or they think all their real life relationships do/must involve abuse and humiliation?

That's how I read it too. I am a rock / I am an island...

It doesn't sound like they're choosing so much as they're giving up.

I agree. It's fucked up and it seems like fandom just nods and agrees with this shit.

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