fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2795 ]

[ SECRET POST #2795 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2795 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Law & Order: Criminal Intent]

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03.

[Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers]

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04.

[Jeeves and Wooster]

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05.

[Yahtzee/Zero Punctuation]

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06.

[Markiplier]

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07.

[Jackie Chan Adventures]

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08.

[The Parent Trap]

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09.

[Alexander]

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10.

[Starsky and Hutch]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 012 secrets from Secret Submission Post #399.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Whenever I'm watching or reading something with people in an opposite sex relationship (or even with real people), I have a hard time identifying with them, at least unless I make a specific effort to. My initial impression is usually that their relationship is just superficial/not real/they don't really love each other like my girlfriend and I do. I have to sort of mentally pretend that one of them is the other sex (not literally but I don't quite know how to explain it) to 'get it' that even though the situation is different, their feelings are the same. And I don't have this problem with gay guys, just straight people. In a way I guess it's like the idea of having feelings for someone of the opposite sex is so entirely foreign to me that I almost find it hard to comprehend? I'm not totally sure how to explain but hopefully this makes some sense.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I feel like it makes me a bad person but I don't know how to stop.

Well, realizing that it's stupid is a start. Sounds like a lack of empathy.
But on the other hand, a lot of straight relationships in media are shallow, so I might be being too judgmental.

OP

Yeah, I realize it's not a good thing, and once I stop and think for a minute I realize how dumb it is, it's just that initial thought. I don't know how to change that reaction, though.

But maybe you're right that a lot of straight relationships in media ARE pretty superficial.

I don't know if media is necessarily a good judge of empathy levels here because SO VERY MUCH of it is just so badly done. A ton of big budget movies nowadays have a tendency to just throw in a romance. And it's inevitable cheap, superficial, and poorly done. And I say this as a hopelessly straight person.

I would suggest looking at the people in your life -- the straight couples -- do you judge their relationships as somehow meaning less or being less "real" than yours is? If you don't then I would say don't worry about your reaction so much.

You're probably just reflexively turned off by shitty writing.

OP

Hmmm, you might be right. Most of the relationships of the people around me I think are just as meaningful, but some of them I do think are less real. Like my brother and his girlfriend, for example. But I think that's probably more to do with who he is than the fact that he's straight (he changes girlfriends so often it's hard to believe he's capable of having genuine feelings for anyone).

Do you have to identify when them in order to enjoy them?

Most of the characters I love the most are nothing like me in any way shape or form. I just find them interesting and well written. For example: I love the character Hannibal but I am not an upper class, refined, male, European psychopathic cannibal. But, dammit, it is sure fun to watch him go.

OP

Kind of? It's hard to explain. There are some I do enjoy, but I feel like I'm missing something when I can't identify with them, like I'd probably enjoy them a lot more if I could. I realize this sounds stupid.

I'm asexual and I have the same thoughts when I see any character in a relationship. I don't want to disdain people for caring about something I think is utterly silly, but I can't help having those thoughts. I also can't see any of my OCs as anything but asexual, which is troubling because I don't actually want them all to be.

OP

I forgot to mention that in my original post, but that's an issue with me too. I don't usually write anything because I'm not good at it, but I'm always having ideas for things I'd like to write, and they always involve only gay characters. If I ever get around to writing any of them I feel like it would be wrong (and unrealistic) to make EVERYONE gay but writing about straight characters just doesn't appeal to me at all.

NAYRT

You don't necessarily have to put all your characters in relationships, though. So there could be straight supporting characters who are single, or whose partners are offscreen most of the time. Depending on their role in the story it might not matter to the plot if they're gay or straight, so you could just not get into it. (Does this even make sense?)

Re: Finding it hard to identify with people/characters of a different sexual orientation?

(Anonymous) - 2014-08-29 14:23 (UTC) - Expand

Same, except rather than relationship, the sex part.

I love relationships and romance... but chaste. Haha.

DA

Same! I feel like the OP does about gender but with sex.

It only makes you a bad person if you approach others of a different orientation and go "WTF, people? That can't be real!" If you simply don't "get it" then that's okay. At least you make the effort to understand.

That said, for the most part, I just kind of go "hmm, okay" around gay relationships unless it's something that's specifically touched my heart. I don't treat it like it's any less valid than hetero stuff, even if I don't personally relate to it.

OP

Oh, no, I would never tell anyone that! It's just something I'm thinking to myself. I've been thinking about how it's hard to relate but maybe the point is that I don't NEED to relate. Maybe just saying 'alright, that isn't my experience, but it's theirs and it's just as real to them as my relationship is to me' and leaving it at that is actually okay.

Okay I don't think it makes you a bad person. And I don't feel that way. There are straight romances I like.

But I do get bored with seeing mostly straight romance.

OP

Like I said above, there are some straight romances I like, I just feel like maybe I would get more out of them if I could identify with them? Or maybe not.

It does get really old, though, that it seems like there has to be a (straight) romance thrown into EVERYTHING these days.

ayrt

it's tiring because it's so disproportionate, the stories tend to blur eventually because they always RAMP UP THE DUH-RAMA (excuse my sarcasm there is more to follow). Especially when it's ~FORBIDDEN LOVE~ and I'm supposed to feel bad because society is so against their love for some reason*. So yeah. I feel you anon.

*irl, any relationship can be difficult, gay people are not the only people who struggle, and class and/or race differences in a relationship can lead to a lot of outside pressure and discrimination. I'm talking about fiction, and in fiction I can only see the same conflict play through so many times.

No, I don't feel that way and do enjoy straight romances too. (When they're well done, anyway. Like any other romance.) I don't think this makes you a terrible person, but I don't understand why any relationship would feel less valid or real because of the characters genders, ...I guess it's just one of those things you can't explain. As long as you aren't dicks to other people over it I suppose it's fine? At least you realize it's a thing.

OP

Yeah, I don't really know how to explain it. I guess just that it's so outside my own experience it's hard to relate to? Maybe I'm putting way too much emphasis on gender and thinking it makes things MASSIVELY different when in reality it really doesn't? I'm not sure.

Whatever the reason, I'm definitely not going to be an asshole to anyone about it and tell them their relationship isn't valid or whatever. It's just one of those weird things in my head.

I guess just that it's so outside my own experience it's hard to relate to?

I'm sure everyone has moments like that about something! You seem very self-aware so I think you'll be okay. Again, it doesn't make you a bad person, it's just a thing you got hung up on.

Reframing the situation like you do is probably not a bad idea, as long as you then flip back to remembering they're a straight couple with the same feelings as a gay couple. The fact you realize this is an error in your thinking and you're trying to correct it is a good thing. There are straight people who should try the same exercise with gay couple.

I know how you feel, OP. Sort of. I try to imagine loving a girl (I'm a straight female) like I'd love a man, emotionally, and I just can't. I see gay relationships being just as real as straight, but there's this tiny little part of me that thinks that a gay woman or man can't possibly love their partner the way I love mine. But hopefully this means I just can't identify with it.

So what do you do in your relationship like

Constantly stroke his beard

Gaze upon his penis

Casually mention your vagina

Participate in mixed doubles tennis tournaments

NAYRT but I feel like it was a pretty reasonable thing to say

like

it's not about what you do in the relationship, it's about imagining having the feelings you have about a person towards a person of the other gender

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